Today I made a great effort to get an appointment with a therapist. An appointment isn’t made, but the effort was.
It’s discouraging to seek help and not get it. I called several therapist offices in my area today. One of them couldn’t get me in until June, and I don’t know if I’d make it that long. Another place had silly requirements that I had to do, which I did do, before they’ll book at appointment. I’m waiting for them to reach out to me at this point. And another place my boyfriend called for me and left a message.
That’s what happened when I tried to seek help.
A while back I had been very suicidal and decided to contact the suicide hotline. I was afraid for my life, I was scaring myself and I truly felt like I was a threat to myself. Instead of acting on my suicidal thoughts, I seeked out help and I got nothing in return. The person on the other line just repeated everything I told them back to me. That’s all they did. “I’m sad” “Oh, you’re sad?” “Yeah, this is happening in my life and causing these feelings” “Oh, so this is happening and causing these feelings?”
This is how the conversation went, and this is what I’m afraid of for therapy. I don’t know who they hire at the suicide hotline, but let me tell you, that person wasn’t helping anyone. I attempted suicide that night.
This is why I’m afraid to go to a therapist. I’m afraid I’m going to pay a ridiculous amount of money to go talk to someone who isn’t going to be able to do anything for me other than repeat back whatever it was that I just told them. I need someone who is going to listen to me, actually hear and understand what I’m saying, and offer legitimate advice, assistance, medication, refer me to a specialist, whatever it may be, but I don’t need someone to tell me what I’ve just told them.
Having responsibilities in situations like this is the absolute worst. I am in a position right now where I barely have the strength to keep going and I have all these responsibilities, like my job and my dog. I called out of work 3 times this week, which now I want to get a doctors note for but I can’t get an appointment made! Anxiety caused me to call out of work 3 times this week, which is now going to make me more anxious going back because of the consequences. I’m willing to face the consequences, but the issue is my issue isn’t resolved. I don’t want to have to call out again, I’m going to lose my job. So now I’m limited to weekends, which a lot of therapist/doctors offices aren’t even open except for emergency services.
As for my dog, I feel terrible for him. Poor thing has had the laziest last 3 days because mom is mentally ill and can’t do anything. We went on a nice trip to the park the first day, but yesterday and today have been shitty days for the weather outside and in my mind. I just can’t bring myself to leave the house. But I’m very lucky, he is the absolute best dog in the world. He has been by my side and comforting me for the last 3 days like the little therapy dog we needed.
My boyfriend actually just called me as I’m writing this and told me the psychiatrist he called doesn’t take my insurance and costs $85 a session. $85 a session and you don’t take my insurance? No thank you. I don’t need more anxiety because I can’t afford therapy!
This has been such a discouraging day. I don’t even know what to do anymore. My job has an employee assistance program which helps with mental health so I think I need to talk to my supervisor about that and see if I can take advantage of that. I know a lot of my anxiety is coming from my job too, which is also something I need to discuss with my supervisor. I’m just worried the conversation will lead me to being let go instead of leading me into a position that will keep my mind at ease. I’m a great asset to the company, I just hope that’s something they’re able to see and work with me instead of against me.
I’m very nervous for tomorrow. It’s going to be a very long, very stressful day. I can only imagine I’m going to be balling my eyes out to my supervisor. I could barely ask to make an appointment for my depression and anxiety because I would start choking on my words. I hate this so much.
Please, just end soon. Please.