Day 6

Hello blog world. 

Today it kept really sinking in that my birthday is just next week. Less than a week away now. I’m really excited for it, I feel like it’s going to be a really fun and relaxing day. I look forward to the days where I have plans because it keeps me occupied and keeps my mind from overthinking. I hope one day I won’t have to think that way about making plans. I should make them to have fun or to get stuff done, not to make sure I don’t go crazy. 

Today was a decent day overall. My boyfriend woke up early this morning but we did manage to fall back asleep. I slept so hard it actually felt like I just turned into stone while sleeping. I didn’t move a muscle all night! I haven’t had a nights sleep like that in a long time. I’m very thankful. 

My boyfriend and I just relaxed for most of the day. We worked out before he had to go to work and both beat our record from last time. Progress! After he went to work I went to my moms house. 

I originally went to my moms house to ask her questions about our family history that I needed for the egg donor application. I told her about everything that’s been going on the last time I visited and she texted me today just checking up on me. When I visited today we ended up getting a little more in depth about what’s been going on but she still barely scratched the surface. The problem with my mom is she never thinks there is anything wrong with her kids. And that’s fine, I mean I guess I wouldn’t want to believe that my son or daughter could have a mental illness, but sometimes it really affects our conversations. She thinks she understands what’s going on but she thinks it’s the bare minimum. I do understand this and it helps me keep the conversation on track and helps me not flip out on my mom for not getting it.

She did actually ask some questions that sparked better conversation and made me feel better about the whole thing though. She thinks I made the right choice with trying to self heal instead of jumping straight to therapy or medication. I told her about the blog too, but she doesn’t know what a blog is so it was kind of useless. I just told her I’m using it as sort of an online diary. A way to vent, and a way to reflect on my day. 

After I went back home I ended up having to face a trigger. My boyfriend has issues controlling his anger. He has been working to change that and has been doing amazing but every once in a while it pokes its head out. I unfortunately have dealt with an abusive father who has anger issues and everytime my boyfriend reacts that way I just see my father. It’s absolutely terrifying. I honestly don’t think he’d ever do anything to me but there is always that “what if?”. And if he ever did, I think I’m strong enough to leave. As much as I love him, I won’t put up with another abusive man. 

I don’t fear my boyfriend at all. I am the most comfortable around him than I am with anyone else but when the anger bubbles up to the surface I get really scared. We are going to keep working on it though. He really wants to change and he has already done so good and has come so far. I know he can overcome it. 

Now I’m probably just going to relax for the rest of the night. I kind of want to go to bed early and try to get another good nights sleep…but I also want to go for a drive and just blast music. Decisions, decisions. 

Photo by me


Author: Michele

I am a 23 year old from Rochester, NY just trying to fight the monster in my head.

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