It’s been one week since I started this blog.
I want to keep going with it. I think it is really helping me already. I only know of one person in my personal life who reads it, my boyfriend. He says it’s helping him, too. He wants me to talk to him more about this stuff, but I’m not a talker so being able to read my thoughts has been working well. He has been extremely supportive of this and has noticed a difference in me too.
I have noticed a difference in myself. I’m overall happier and I think it’s because at the end of every day I now reflect on everything that has happened instead of sit on it. Any issues I have will be written about, any good things will be as well. It’s been a great way to release some of the emotions that have built up throughout the day.
Today I’ve been a little on the down side, but I think it’s more PMS than anything. I actually believe I have PMDD which is Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder. In short, it’s just extreme PMS. If I wasn’t on birth control, my PMS would truly be 100 times worse than it is. I think my overall depression and anxiety would be worse too. I think if I wasn’t on birth control, I may have successfully acted on my suicidal thoughts. Maybe I just want to think that though.
Sometimes I feel like I actually want to die and I’m not having a depression episode. I will just be going about my day like normal and in the back of my mind I will be thinking about how much better things would be if I was dead. I try so hard not to think that way but it’s nearly impossible. I can’t really control my thoughts. If I didn’t have my family and my boyfriend, and now his family in my life, I would probably be dead.
It’s always scary when those thoughts come around. I hate it. I try to keep my mind off it but sometimes you just can’t. It’s like I’m trapped in my own head and swallowed the key myself. I want to break free so hard but I’m the only one keeping myself from that freedom. I just have to keep working on it. Every day.
Anyway, today was a pretty relaxed day. I had to stop at the store to finish up Christmas shopping. I went to my mom’s house this morning and hung out there for a bit. Whenever I go to my mom’s house I never do what I meant to do when I got there. I always end up just hanging out and talking to my mom and my siblings. I think it’s because I feel rushed when I go there. I am always on a time crunch and have to be finished by a certain time, but I want to spend my time there catching up with my mom and siblings. I should work on time management a little bit more or just make more time for them. My family is very important to me, I should make more time for them.
After my mom’s house I went back home, watched a movie with my boyfriend, and went to take pictures. I also worked on my boyfriend’s Christmas gift a little bit too. Since we are both struggling financially this Christmas we decided to not spend money on each other and if any gifts were to be exchanged they would have to be made. I like this idea a lot. I’m not a very materialistic person so a gift from the heart is always better to me.
It is now 6:35pm and I’m hungry so I’m going to make dinner and just relax for the night. I would like to read a little bit tonight before bed. I started a book called The Sun Is Also A Star. It is an extremely easy read but I think I will really enjoy it. Next I want to read a book called A Better Way To Think. It’s supposed to help people who have negative thoughts think differently. Maybe it can help me!
I think that’s it for today’s blog. Goodnight world.
Here’s a cute little duck I shot earlier.