I’ve been avoiding writing this blog because of how bad today was.
I knew as soon as I woke up that it was going to be a bad day, and I think that made things worse than they needed to be. I don’t really want to go into detail but I got really upset over something that wasn’t a big deal at all. I should have handled the situation way differently.
I ended up scaring my boyfriend into thinking I was going to kill myself because I wanted to go for a drive. The whole situation was bad and I really don’t even want to think about it. But in that moment, I did want to kill myself. I am sick of getting in these moods and having to overreact to every little thing. I can’t control it and I feel like I’m a completely different person. I feel like a monster. I don’t want to go through these episodes anymore, and that is why I have suicidal thoughts.
I hate it, but it’s something I’m going to have to deal with for a little while longer. Once I’m all healed up everything else will stop. These crazy mood swings will stop.
I really fear that one day I’m going to be so terrible that it ends up breaking me and my boyfriend up. I would be completely devastated if that happened. I need to control it for the sake of our relationship. I know he says he’s there for me and we will get through everything, you just never know. I can’t risk losing him.
I finally calmed down and apologized to my boyfriend. I want to keep apologizing. I feel like a complete asshole who doesn’t deserve him.
I really hope tomorrow is a better day. Today was a mess.
Photo by my boyfriend