Day 20

This morning I went shopping with my mom. It was nice to hang out with her alone. Having 9 siblings can be obnoxious sometimes. 

When I got home, my boyfriend and I just hung out and played video games. He read the last blog and we talked about the whole situation with Christmas night again. He thinks I don’t like his friends. Sometimes I don’t, but sometimes I don’t like a lot of people I love, including himself. It’s not that I hate them, or view them any less than others. I love his friends, they’re absolutely one of the most loyal group of people and I know he’s in good hands with them. However, they’re the most irresponsible group of people I’ve ever met. 

I asked him what he’d say if I asked him to stop reading my blogs. It’s not like I’m hiding anything, this is one public diary, but this is a diary and I’m going to speak my mind. I just don’t want to hurt him. 

Honestly, I want him to forget about it. He forgets a lot of things, so maybe he could forget to check up on the blog. He’s forgotten a couple times but goes back and reads them. I don’t know…I just don’t want to hurt his feelings. I don’t want him to take what I wrote the wrong way either. 

He went back to work. Will actually be home soon. I’ve just been laying in bed depressed since he left. I wasn’t even depressed at first. I like to lay in bed and watch tv or YouTube videos and was just doing that. But someone that lead to another thing and I ended up just thinking about things and getting depressed. I don’t get it. I was perfectly fine. Maybe not perfectly fine at all, because when I felt fine I felt like I wanted to kill myself. I usually only want to kill myself when I feel okay. That’s kind of scary…but I just think on all the things that are going on and all my bills that are coming up and I just get stressed out and think that death is the best way out. Things would be so much better if I were just dead. 

Of course, I’m being selfish. It’s selfish of me to think that killing myself would be best, when it would be worst for most others in my life. Honestly, I think I want to be selfish. 

So here I am, laying in a room with the blinds closed and the lights off. This seems to be a common scene for me when I’m depressed. The literal darkness is almost comforting, unlike the darkness in my head. But I should open the blinds. 

I don’t know what I want from life anymore. I feel like I’ve found myself over the past few months and it’s not necessarily what I wanted to find. I want to be happy and be able to live the life that I can envision in my future but there is always a part of my brain that thinks it would be better if all that never happened and if I just stopped breathing, that would be true peace. That’s how I feel on a daily basis. I have so much to look forward to, so much love and happiness and adventure and experiences to live through and memories to make, but I’d much rather curl up in a ball and close my eyes and just never open them again. 

Thoughts of suicide upsets me, not because I don’t want to kill myself or be dead, but because I know it will hurt 2 people in my life. My mother and my boyfriend. I don’t necessarily care what my friends or the rest of my family or strangers think on the topic, but my mom and my boyfriend would be devasted (I hope 😂). I love them both so much and I hate seeing them hurt. I don’t know what happens after you die, but what if I stay on this earth and I’m actually haunted by the pain that I brought them. Or maybe, like the atheist I am, I could just believe that nothing happens when you die and I will suffer no consequences if I succeed at killing myself. I will suffer no consequences. Selfish. 

Still, at this point in time, I don’t know if I’d actually ever act on these thoughts. I’m a very strong person, but I think when it comes to harming myself in any way, I’m weak. Probably shouldn’t let that let my guard down. 

I’m going to try to take a nap now. I’ll eat dinner when I wake up and hopefully just have a relaxed evening. If anything crazy happens, I’ll update this blog. 

Goodnight world, here’s to a better tomorrow. 

I deleted most of the pics off my phone so here is a side view mirror sunset 

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Author: Michele

I am a 22 year old from Rochester, NY just trying to fight the monster in my head.

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