Day 28/29

Yesterday and today were decent days. 

The past week or so has sort of been a wake up call. I have been in a very bad place this week. Some things happened that I would rather not write about but I wanted to reflect on what the outcome of those situations were. 

Like I said, it’s been a bad week. My boyfriends mom has actually gone through exactly what I’m going through. She also has a similar background relating to the “trauma” we both have faced. So she just really understands. I’m not saying other people I talk to don’t understand, but they don’t fully get it. They don’t know what it’s like to have had an abusive father, to know their rapist is still running around the streets probably ruining other girls’ lives too. They don’t know what it’s like to actually want to die, even when you are completely content with life. They don’t know that trusting people is nearly impossible for me. They don’t know that my brain messes with me so bad that I create giant problems out of tiny little things that wouldn’t normally matter on a good day. But my boyfriends mom has been through it, she knows almost exactly how I feel. 

I talked to her about everything after a really bad night/freak out/panic attack/suicidal feeling and it made me feel better practically instantly. Just talking to someone who has been through the same thing and truly understands, and someone who is now better really gave me hope. It lifted my spirits up so high that I actually feel better. I feel like it’s just not going to be bad anymore. I feel like I will be able to handle any situations way better. Obviously I can’t predict the future so I have no idea if I’m suddenly “better”, but I feel pretty amazing right now. 

I called my doctor today and made an appointment to talk to him about everything that’s been going on. Last time I mentioned it I didn’t necessarily tell how bad it actually was. I need to actually tell him what’s going on so he can actually help me. 

I don’t know if I want to do therapy honestly. I really just feel like if I open up to people around me more it will help me just as good as a therapist would. And for free and waaaaaaay less nerve racking. I will see what my doctor thinks. Maybe he will just prescribe a pill. 

I also took a St. John’s Wort pill. It’s just a natural mood enhancer herb. I don’t know if it worked because I think I threw it up before it got into my system. The pill didn’t make me throw up, so I’m considering trying it again if I wake up one morning feeling like it’s going to be a bad day. 

But the past 2 days have been pretty good. Things are looking up so I’m going to try to enjoy this wave of happiness. I think the majority of January and February I am going to be very happy. I am going on vacation in February, so I’m gonna be happy for like 2 weeks while cruising to Mexico while everyone back in Rochester freezes. I hope there’s a blizzard when we are gone šŸ˜‚. But not really, because I hate when my mom has to shovel the driveway šŸ˜³. 

This month I am going to start tanning too. I hate tanning, it’s scary. I’m putting myself at such a risk for skin cancer and I actually have a spot that I would like to get checked out for cancer. But I’m a young dumb girl who is going on vacation next month. I am a very very pasty person. My winter skin tone is so sickly and ghostly white. So I will FRY in Mexico! I have to start tanning a month before to gradually build a tan instead of burning myself. I just don’t want to burn. But anyway, tanning always makes me happy. Being in a warm cozy little enclosed bed and coming out gorgeous is the best feeling ever. I really love tanning because I have freckles scattered across the bridge of my nose and my cheeks and the tops of my shoulders. When I tan they really pop and I love it!! I just think it’s so cute, call me cocky. 

So I’ll be tanning until vacation then having a blast for 2 weeks with my amazing boyfriend, his cool best friend, and his awesome family! I’m so excited to be surrounded by such a great group of people for a nice long vacation. 

After vacation, it’s serious job hunting time. I am broke. I am really broke. I am depending on my tax return to get myself back on my feet and find a job. 

I am going to give a local bus garage a call about being a school bus driver. It’s part time, it’s pretty laid back and easy, I’d be keeping kids safe, doing something a little more meaningful, and the pay is really good. They also pay you during training in which they provide you with what you need to get your CDL, for free! 

My boyfriend and I would like to have a job driving a truck so already having my CDL would be amazing. 

There is just a lot of stuff going on that seems so good. 


Niagara Falls walk on New Years Day. šŸ’š

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Author: Michele

I am a 23 year old from Rochester, NY just trying to fight the monster in my head.

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