Today was an ok day.
This morning I had to run to the bank to pay my boyfriends car loan. I’m not paying for his car, he was just working all day and couldn’t make it to the bank before they closed. I didn’t mind doing the favor since it got me motivated to get out of the house.
When I got back home I just relaxed and watched YouTube videos. I watch a lot of make up tutorials, Roman Atwood, and Guy Tang. Youtube actually brings me to a happy place, especially the vlogs that Roman Atwood makes with his family. I ended up getting a little sleepy and tried to doze off but was in and out of sleep.
I spent my boyfriends lunch with him and when he left I cleaned my make up brushes. There is so many that it actually took over an hour. By the time I was done with that I wanted to head out to Durand to take some pictures.
When I was getting ready to head out, I had a sudden panic attack/break down. I have absolutely no reason why. I feel like it’s the universe being an asshole and making sure I don’t forget that I’m actually miserable. That this happiness that I’ve felt is temporary. I hate this feeling and I can’t stop it.
I managed to calm myself down but all I wanted to do was go to bed. I told my boyfriend earlier that I was going to go somewhere nice for the sunset of the skies cleared, which they did. I didn’t want this mental illness to control my life anymore so I managed to suck it up and put my shoes on (I had everything else all ready to go before having the attack), and I left. I think it was a little easier because I had started my car before getting ready because it’s so damn cold here. So either way I had to go out to my car. I’m really glad I went.
I think a part of my little panic was because I was thinking about finances. I’m really broke right now. Like zero dollars broke. I’m trying to sell things because I really don’t feel ready to go back to work. I really just need to heal myself before I start the everyday stresses that comes with a full time job. But I really need money. I don’t want to lose my car. My boyfriend has offered to pay my car for January. He owes me money for the cruise so he has been paying me back by helping me out financially over these past few months, and I can’t even begin to tell him how much I appreciate it. I know he owes me but I gave him no deadline and he has his own payments to worry about so I just really appreciate it. I was talking to my sister about everything because she asked me when I think I’ll start working again. She started asking me weird questions like how much it is and when it’s due. Then she offered to pay it for February. I literally started crying immediately. She gets so taken advantage of financially by other members of my family and I hate it and I try so hard to teach her how to tell people no. Then she goes and offers me a few hundred dollars to cover my car loan for a month. I told her that I won’t take anything from her unless I absolutely need it and I told her I will pay her back as soon as I get a job. I am gonna try my best to see if I can sell enough stuff to make the payment. I just have the best family and the best boyfriend.
Now I’m just relaxing for the rest of the night. My boyfriend has off the next two days so it should be pretty good 🙂.