Day 35 & 36

Yesterday (35) I was in an off mood. I know why but I just wish it was for a different reason. I hate this reason. 

I hate when the reason I’m “off” is my boyfriend. It makes me doubt the relationship. Sometimes it makes me feel worthless, unneeded…other times I feel suffocated, trapped. I know that my mental health makes these feelings stronger than they actually are but it is scary. 

Sometimes my boyfriend can be really clingy, we both are. But sometimes it feels like too much. Yesterday I told him I was going to go to a local park with my sister and he got pretty upset over it because he couldn’t come (he had work). It made me feel like I shouldn’t go, like I have to do everything with him. I know I don’t have to, but when he reacts that way it makes everything feel like it’s too much. It’s not the first time that’s happened and probably won’t be the last. I don’t really know what to do. 

I’ve been getting better at turning my mood around before it gets to the point of no return. I haven’t been getting better at eating though. I feel like my eating habits have been getting worse actually. I just have zero appetite lately. I keep trying to eat things but I can’t build up my appetite enough to stomach any of it. I’ve tried all sorts of different foods to see if anything sparked my interest. Nothing. It’s not normal for me. I normally eat like a fat kid with an overactive appetite. The lack of food in me is obviously preventing me from getting the nutrients I need, which is in turn making me feel extremely weak, tired all the time, and with every moment that goes by I feel like my appetite just isn’t coming back. It’s bothering me in multiple ways, I just need to get some food in me. 

Today (36) was an ok day. I had a hard time sleeping last night but got up early anyway and went to my moms house. My sister and I went to the mall and we were going to go to a local park but it was pouring rain. I stayed at my moms house for a bit then went home. Since I’ve been home I just did some things for vacation and browsed all my social media. My boyfriend is home from work now so I’ll probably just hang out with him for the rest of the night. 

I just feel down right now. Could be just the gloominess of the day though. Here’s to a brighter tomorrow. 


Durand Beach

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Author: Michele

I am a 23 year old from Rochester, NY just trying to fight the monster in my head.

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