Day 42

Today was a slightly less good day. It was fine overall but there were some moments where my mood was off. 

I hung out with my boyfriend this morning until he went to work. He wanted to have sex before he went to work but I didn’t want to. Sometimes he makes me feel bad when I don’t want to have sex. It’s the way he acts. He almost makes me feel like I’m obligated to sleep with him, and I don’t ever want to feel obligated to sleep with anyone. That’s fucked up. 

I think I take it a little more to heart because I’ve been raped. My rapist fucked me up in a lot of ways and a lot of those ways are sexual. Just a slight feeling like I can’t or shouldn’t say no makes me feel like the way I felt that night. It’s a really shitty feeling and a really shitty memory that I unfortunately will never get rid of. I swear even if I end up with dementia and completely lose my mind, I’ll still remember that horrid night. 

I got in a pretty upset mood after that whole sex episode and I was afraid it was going to set a terrible mood for the day. My boyfriend was a little off from it too, I know he doesn’t like making me feel that way and I know he knows it happens sometimes. He went to work and I left the house not completely okay I guess. We were fine with each other but I don’t think we were fine ourselves. 

I enjoyed my 10 minutes of heaven in the tanning bed and went to my moms house to pick up my sister. We had planned to go to Turning Point a few days prior and she doesn’t drive so I had to get her. It’s kind of a pain doing all that driving knowing I don’t have an income. Gas may be cheaper than it’s been but it’s still expensive especially when you don’t have a job. My sister has been very generous to offer me gas money whenever I pick her up. She also buys me food and she filled up my gas tank and offered to help with my next car payment. I could not be more thankful to have a good family. 

My sister and I went to the park. I showed her where a serial killer used to dump his victims bodies. It’s crazy to think these things happen so close to home. My sister is into all that creepy ass shit. She watches a lot of scary movies so I knew she’d get a kick out of it. I’m actually trying to hang out with her more to break her out of her bubble. She is a very socially awkward and anxious person so just going out to the store or a restaurant or even a park is scary for her. People are scary to her. So I want to just take her on some fun adventures with me to hopefully show her the world isn’t all that scary. I want to go on a “double date” with her and her boyfriend too. 

When I was on my way back home I was jamming to some really good tunes and it turned my mood around. By the time I got home I was completely happy. My boyfriend was on break so we hung out for a bit. When he went back to work I just watched YouTube videos. 

When he got home I was kind of in an annoyed mood. I don’t really know why. I was trying to hold it back because I didn’t wanna make him feel bad but I ended up getting really argumentive and I guess angry at something he was talking about. I don’t know why I’m in such an off mood tonight. 

Hopefully tomorrow is a little better. 

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Author: Michele

I am a 23 year old from Rochester, NY just trying to fight the monster in my head.

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