Day 56

Another day of extreme anxiety making me feel like shit. I feel so helpless right now. I don’t want to do anything, I don’t want to be around anyone, I don’t want to eat, I want to sleep but can’t. I’m struggling so bad right now. 

I’m trying so hard to stay positive, I really am. I’ve just been having a hard time this past week. The worst part about it is nothing is wrong. Nothing in my life is wrong, everything is good. I have a good family who is happy and healthy, my boyfriend and his family are fine as well. I have a roof over my head, I’m getting my bills paid, I’m getting stuff done to prepare myself for vacation in another week and a half. There’s nothing wrong and I’m just so sad and angry and anxious and just stressed out. Over nothing. That’s the worst part. Not knowing why I feel this way. 

Obviously my brain is “broken” or my hormones are fucked up (I actually am PMSing right now). It’s always the worst this time of the month but it hasn’t been this bad in so long. I haven’t felt just a bout of sadness and anxiousness this long in a long time. I don’t know what to do. 

There are so many things that make me happy but when I feel like this nothing makes me happy. I’ll throw out a fake smile, which my boyfriend has now learned to detect. There’s just no happiness in me. Obviously I know it’s there, I’m very happy with everything going on in my life…but I’m just not happy. 

I feel like there are so many things that I want to get off my chest. Things that are most likely still weighing me down, things I haven’t quite gotten over just yet. Just speak my mind, tell my side of the story, vent, whatever. I just need to get it out. So I guess I want to start that today. 

I’m just going to include any random rants in these blogs. Anything that comes to mind. This is a place that I want to be able to fully express myself and be able to look back on. I’ve wanted to do this through vlogs actually, but I can’t stand the sound of my voice 😂. 

I guess the first thing I want to vent about is rape. I was raped in 2012 by my ex boyfriend and I feel like it just really fucked me up. 

I guess I should backtrack. I met this kid at a job. I dated him for a while. He treated me like shit all the time. But I was young and dumb and “in love” (HA!). I guess I just don’t want to feel used anymore. I don’t want to feel like this “man” took everything I had built over the prior year and just burned it to the ground. I was in such a bad place before I met him (from a prior relationship, which I want to touch base on eventually). He brought me to such a good place in my life. I was happy, I was a completely different person with him than I was before him. But he cheated on me so many times, he treated me like shit, he took my political and religious views and constantly used them against me. He built me up so high just to break me down. And then he raped me. Trust me ****, I would have been much better off if you just broke things off. 

It was the night of a Halloween party I was at. I was lucky enough to be attending this party at my brothers house, with one of my girl friends. I felt very safe, secure. Untouchable. I have never ever been afraid to be a woman prior to this night. My drunk ass ex drove drunk to the party, admitted he cheated on me again (3rd times a charm, right?). He was my ride home that night but I wasn’t going to get into a car with a drunk man behind the wheel. I didn’t have my license at the time. We planned on sleeping in the bed of his truck that night since we couldn’t get home. I remember sobering up throughout that mighty and I was just beating myself up for letting this asshole into my life but I was “in love” and felt like it was the end of the world with everything that had happened that night. Then, I said no and he did it anyway. So there I was, in the middle of a park parking lot, being held against my will, being very aggressively raped. I can’t tell you how many times I said no, stop, get off of me, but he just continued to beat me down. That is my only memory of 2012. That is the only memory that still haunts me. I just want it to stop. 

I know it’s not going to happen overnight, but it’s been 5 years. Come on, 5 years ago. I want to tell myself to get over it, but I can’t. I will never get over it. It’s always going to be burned into my brain. The way I felt that night is still how I feel today. It has caused me to get really upset at people who give me a problem when I say “no”, for anything. Literally anything. I hate being like this but I feel like I have no control over it. It’s such an instant reaction. I try really hard to hide it or to make it less…dramatic…but sometimes I fail. 

I just want to be freed from that night. I don’t want to feel scared that I might be raped again. I don’t want to feel scared that my own boyfriend will one day not care if o say no and force himself on me. I don’t want to be afraid of going places alone. I don’t want to be afraid of going on vacation next month because we are going to be in a foreign area to me and that terrifies me. All of these fears are because of that night. I don’t want to be afraid anymore. 

I don’t know if writing about these things will help me, but it’s nice to get things off my chest. 

My boyfriend will be home from work soon so hopefully I can keep my mind occupied tonight. 

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Author: Michele

I am a 22 year old from Rochester, NY just trying to fight the monster in my head.

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