Day 109

Today was a pretty good day but I’ve felt off for most of it. 

I woke up this morning and my boyfriend seemed to have a rough night. He was downstairs for a few hours before I got up. He ended up having a rough night because I had a rough night so it was kind of just a big mess but we were fine after talking and snuggling. I think we are both at the point where we don’t want our “little” problems to be big problems for the other person anymore. I say “little” because they may seem like minor issues to the other but to ourselves it’s a big deal. Anxiety makes everything a big deal…

Speaking of anxiety, I took a stupid little anxiety test a couple weeks ago when I was having a really bad attack. I wanted to try taking it while I was feeling those emotions. I feel like I can’t quite explain it unless I’m actually feeling it. I just remember that it’s a really shitty feeling. Anyway, I took the test and it spat out all of this stuff about the different types of anxiety I have and all that jazz. I have been getting emails from the lady who made the test and I kind of want to go through her program. I know it’s stupid, it’s some random quiz I found on the internet, this lady probably doesn’t exist and if she does she probably isn’t certified to give any type of advice…but I want to try it. While I can tell her emails are all automated, they were definitely written by a real person with real understanding of anxiety. I just feel calmer reading them. It’s weird… but once I start getting a paycheck and get back on track I might actually do it. 

Back to my day today…

After my boyfriend went to work I drove to my moms house to pick up my sister. We decided to go to Corbetts Glenn, a park with a gorgeous view. I love it here!

I want to keep going for walks every day that I can. Nature makes me happy, I am always just so relaxed and stress free when I’m out in nature. I want to feel that way at least once every day. It’s getting warmer so I can get outside more, hopefully that will lead to brighter days. I feel like my depression is pretty seasonal. But my anxiety has been non stop for a few years now. 

After we got back I hung out a little until my mom got up. We planned on going to my grandmas house to visit for her birthday. She is 90 years old! It was really nice seeing my grandma. I honestly think the last time I saw her was a year ago, for her 89th. I don’t want to only visit her once a year. I want to start seeing her more. I love my grandma and I think regular company will be good for her. My aunt lives with her but we all know my aunt drives her crazy 😂. 

I went home after and my boyfriend quickly greeted me and told me not to take my shoes off. I felt like I was in the car all day! I didn’t want to get in the car again. We went to run a quick errand and finally got back home, made dinner, and are probably going to bed soon. 

All day I felt anxious. I don’t know why. I’m not sure if it’s because my job is starting soon and that’s always a little nerve wracking or if it’s just all this other mysterious bullshit that anxiety likes to be triggered by. I guess we will find out when I start work. 

My boyfriend talked to me about that too. He said when my job starts I’m probably going to feel really anxious and stressed and I’ll want to give up but I have to just push through it and it will get easier. I know he’s right, I know that probably will happen and I’ll want to quit. The thought of backing out of this job has crossed my mind. I just keep pushing those thoughts out of my head though. I’m honestly excited to be working for the company that I am and I’m really excited to be working in this setting again. I’m glad that I interviewed with the store manager because now I have a good idea of how the management will be, and with this kind of management comes good employees which is a huge plus. I have had great luck with jobs when it comes to the employees and management, this streak is continuing it seems. 

So I’m definitely excited and definitely terrified but I know I can’t do it. I’m 108 days in since I started this little blog diary thing and at this point I’m feeling so much better than I did on day 1. It’s been 146 days of unemployment which has driven me mad, and I am really excited to get back to work.

I’m going to try to stay relaxed tonight. Just try to not have an anxious night. It’s impossible to control, but positive thoughts might do something. 


Author: Michele

I am a 23 year old from Rochester, NY just trying to fight the monster in my head.

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