Day 110-129

Slack-a-lackin on these posts. 

It’s been 129 days since I’ve started this blog, since I’ve felt so weak and so empowered all at the same time. I finally gained the strength to start doing something about my depression and anxiety. How am I feeling today? Anxious. As. Fuck. 

I’m 3 hours away from home, family, friends, my boyfriend. Im all alone in a foreign place and I fucking hate it. 

I’m here for work, I’m training to hopefully get promoted…so lets backtrack a little bit to 4/3, the day I started working again since November. 

My first day back to work was pretty scary up until I actually got to work and it was fine. I met 2 other full time employees that were new hires and a few employees that have been working for this company for a while and are relocating to this store. My coworkers for the most part are super nice, there might be a potential sexual harassment situation and another employee who I am absolutely going to have a problem with but other than that, everyone is golden. 

The job itself has been a whole clusterfuck of “what am I doing, why am I doing it, do I want to do it” etc… I am having a less hard time than I thought I would but it’s still harder than I want it to be, for my mental health. 

I feel ok when I’m at work, there was one time when I went in feeling like the lowest of the low, like I was doing everything wrong and I should just stop wasting their time. But then my boss told me that I was doing really well and one of the stock guys thanked me for paying attention to detail and not only fixing people’s mistakes, but showing the other employees and advising management that they might want to touch on that specific thing in training again. My assistant manager has been actually listening to what I want and is willing to make it happen. I have NEVER had management like this. My last job was great, management was even better, but it took much longer for them to recognize my hard work and eventually I got too mentally unstable to even continue with that job. It’s unfortunate, but it’s ok. 

So right now I’m training 3 hours away from home and I’m freaking out. I don’t know why. I just miss my boyfriend, I miss my bed. I miss the comfort of my own home. I miss being able to go to the fridge for food instead of eating out. I bought pizza for lunch today and I’m eating the leftovers for dinner because I absolutely don’t want to leave this hotel room. I’m tired, my feet hurt, my joints hurt in general from being on my feet for 8 hours. 

These all seem like little things, even to me. I wish they didn’t affect me so much, so poorly. I wish I could be excited about being here and I’m really excited for this promotion, I just can’t wait til I’m back in my own town. 

I honestly think I’d be ok if I had someone here, I feel like I’m the biggest threat to myself when I’m alone. I still think about killing myself occasionally, and it’s been more frequent since I’ve been here. I don’t want to die, I just want to sleep for a very very long time…maybe forever. 

I’m trying to keep myself occupied but it’s really hard when you’re alone for 16 hours out of the day. Luckily I sleep for like 6 of those 16 hours but 10 is still too much time to think. I just wanna go home. 

I get to go home on Thursday after work. I should be leaving around 3 and I’m probably just gonna head straight home from work and just dive into my boyfriends arms. I miss him soooo much more than I expected. I obviously expected to miss him, but I literally want to cry just typing this. I love this man so fucking much it physically hurts to be away from him. Call me obsessed! I don’t care, I am 150% addicted to this man. 

I think I’m just going to stay in tonight and relax before a fun filled day of training tomorrow. My shift is a little later tomorrow which sucks, but it’s only by an hour. It makes the day feel 10 hours longer though! I love early shifts. The girl who is training me is super awesome too. She’s my age, and she told me she was afraid I was going to be some old crotchety lady like most are in that department. Its just so much better that I’ve been working with people my age. It makes the work environment much more comfortable for some reason. 

So back to the employees I’m having trouble with… there’s one guy who has brought up a sexual harassment charge on him from his old job multiple times and he’s a very handsy person. I just don’t want him putting his hands on me or on anyone else, especially with a history like that. I’m not even sure why you would tell people that someone reported you for sexual harassment, then proceed to put your hands in places they don’t belong. I am going to talk to my manager about it and see what happens. 

The other guy I’m having trouble with is this punky kid my age who I’m pretty sure is just hardcore into drugs and alcohol. I’m ok if you want to have a little fun on the weekends, fine whatever, but this kid comes in looking like he’s on drugs, complained about the “don’t come to work smelling like alcohol or you will be investigated” rule, and is he laziest employee I have ever met at any job. Ever. He is abusing the break system which I absolutely will mention to my manager, and he takes any opportunity he gets to slack off. I have always been a hard worker and it pisses me off that employees can get away with such laziness like that. If you don’t wanna be there, leave! They’re not paying you to stand around and do nothing. 

I don’t like getting people fired, I don’t want these people to lose their jobs but if you’re bad for the company then peace the fuck out. 

Enough about work, I need to talk about me. Over the past month or so I’ve felt more in control of my mental state than I have in a very long time. But it’s still sooo bad. I know this isn’t an overnight healing process, I know that I have about 10 years of fucked up history built up and it’s not going to go away anytime soon. I am just getting so fed up with feeling any type of depression, just wanting to break down and cry my eyes out for no reason whatsoever, or for reasons that are so ridiculous or completely made up in my head. I don’t want to feel anxious to the point where I can’t function normally. I can’t fucking poop normal when I’m anxious. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t hold a conversation or even keep my attention on something long enough to comprehend whatever it is that’s going on. I don’t want to feel that way anymore. For the most part I don’t, but every now and then, including now, I just want to break down. 

I think I’m just going to try relaxing for the night. It might be an early night for me, I’m really tired from today. I wanna get up early and grab Denny’s before work too, so the earlier I get to sleep the better. 

I know I’ve said this 100 times before but I’m going to try to write these every day. Bye for now 


Author: Michele

I am a 23 year old from Rochester, NY just trying to fight the monster in my head.

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