There has been something I’ve wanted to get off my chest for a while now. I frequently think of things I want to write about, just to let it out, and I never do because of what this blog was originally intended for. The more I think about it though, the more I realize that this blog is actually my outlet and I need to use it for ANYTHING I need to get off my chest, not necessarily just my depression and anxiety. This recovery process is a part of my whole life, and my whole life has an affect on my depression and anxiety, so why not write about anything that comes to mind? With that said…
Something I’ve owned for years and years, but stopped wearing shortly after entering a relationship that I’d end up being in for 2 years. A relationship I thought at the time was perfect. A relationship that sometimes I feel destroyed me more than my physically abusive relationships.
I have always wondered how people stay in bad relationships. I always thought that if I was ever in a crappy relationship, whatever the reasoning may be, that I would leave immediately. I have been in physically and verbally abusive relationships. I grew up with an abusive father and a mother who gave too many second chances. As soon as the opportunity presented itself, I left those relationships, and broke off contact with my father. I always felt like I was strong enough to leave, and I always did.
However, my last relationship before my current one was a little bit different. I didn’t realize how bad it was, how bad I was actually treated, how twisted that family was. I didn’t realize any of this until my current relationship, where I truly have a man who loves me, a man deserving of the title of “man”, and a man who’s family is like my own.
My last boyfriend never hit me, he never yelled at me, he didn’t cheat on me or really even hurt me in any way except one. He allowed me to lose myself. He allowed me to forget who I am and what I love. Once you have lost yourself, it’s really really hard to find yourself again. I’ve been slowly putting the pieces back together but I feel like I’ve still got a long way to go.
During this relationship I was constantly put down for the things I loved, for the things I believed in. I was disliked for the things that I liked, for the things that made me who I am. It was everything, from my hobbies to my clothes to my beliefs. I actually stopped wearing my favorite leggings because every time I put them on I was made fun of. I stopped doing the things I love, I couldn’t ever express my opinions or beliefs without backlash. I could no longer be myself.
Unfortunately I didn’t realize what was happening until the damage was done. It was a slow process that took a long time. I can’t say I wasn’t happy, in the moment I absolutely was, but when I think back on it now, I wasn’t happy. This girl, that was no longer me, was happy.
It’s little moments like just changing out of my work clothes and putting on my favorite leggings without a care in the world that make me realize how shitty my last relationship actually was. I know even reading this I want to tell myself to stop being a bitch about it because it wasn’t that bad, but that’s why the stigma is still there, because people think that because it wasn’t “that bad” that it is ok.
It. Is. Not. Ok.
It’s not ok to, for lack of a better term, harass someone to the point where they stop being themselves. It’s not ok to be hateful towards people with different views, interests, preferences, etc. It’s not ok to do this to anyone, let alone your own girlfriend.
You need people in your life who will support your interests, your beliefs, and you in general. To have someone knock everything you do will destroy you.
I am so beyond lucky to have gotten out of that relationship and now into one where when I put on these leggings, I hear my boyfriend jokingly catcall me and tell me my ass is out of this world (so punny 😂). I am able to do the things that I love, express my opinions and beliefs and actually have conversations about them. I’m able to just be myself around this man.
After I broke off the relationship, I was talking to someone about the whole thing. They ended up breaking off their relationship after hearing about what I went through and realized myself. I was able to help someone else get out of a bad situation with my personal experiences. I really liked that and I think that’s another reason why I want to start writing about anything I think of. It might just help someone else.