Anxiety Always Wins – Not Anymore

My anxiety has been really bad so I wanted to write in the hopes that I find out why. I’ve been having really bad anxiety due to a few things going on in my life all at once.

My period. My sickness. My asthma.

I have really felt like shit for the past week because of all of these things, and on top of trying to feel physically better, I’m an emotional wreck. It’s lovely.

This morning I woke up feeling okay, but to a coughing fit. I slept in the basement which probably wasn’t the best idea for my lungs, since it’s always humid down there and I’m 99.9% sure there is mold somewhere down there. So I probably didn’t help my situation too much, but it was easier to sleep down in the basement rather than up in the bed. My coughing fit this morning woke up my boyfriend, who hadn’t slept well that night, so that made me feel kind of shitty too. I never thought I’d be the person in the relationship to be the one who always wakes up my significant other, but its been happening a lot lately.

I have been taking all sorts of different medicines, allergy medicine, OTC cold & flu medicines, teas, pills, etc. I’ve tried everything and my cough is FINALLY breaking up after taking Mucinex over the weekend. Mucinex is the only thing that actually seems to be helping so I stopped everything else and am only taking that.

I’ve had to use my inhaler so often during this sickness. The slightest bit of energy exertion completely destroys me when I’m sick because of asthma. A simple walk up stairs takes my breath away almost completely and I have to use my inhaler to keep breathing, or spend the next 10 minutes to an hour catching my breath depending on the severity. The issue with this cold is I am producing a ridiculous amount of mucus and its affecting my asthma way worse. I can’t cough up the mucus just yet so I’ve just been having an overall difficult time to breath, even when my lungs seem to be working properly.

It feels pretty similar to the issue I had last year, when I got sick and actually developed asthma. I haven’t had asthma attacks this bad since that time, so I’m assuming it’s just going to be kinda shitty any time I get sick for the rest of my life. At least with anything respiratory related. I need to go to the doctor to talk about it more and get a regular inhaler instead of the rescue inhaler I’ve been using. What I really need to do it get a new primary doctor so I can actually do all these things I always talk about doing.

It’s a little hard to take time off from work right now because I’m on a 90 day period where I can’t get time off approved, so any absences I have go against my attendance score. Maybe I can find a doctor who is open on Saturdays for regular appointments, but it just seems really unlikely.

Today on my lunch break at work I got a call from my boyfriend. He was really upset and I always feel so bad cause I can’t do anything to comfort him over the phone. All I can do is talk and I’m not really good at that in situations like today. I also don’t feel good myself so it was a little hard to focus on anything anyway, which made everything that much more difficult.

I have felt nauseous today, holding back throwing up several times. My bowels are screaming to me that I’m sick with some sort of stomach bug now. So I went from my period to a cold to a stomach bug, all while dealing with my anxiety and asthma. How am I not dead?

My overall mood has been surprisingly positive. I think it’s because all other aspects of my life right now are going really well. My relationships are all in good standing, my finances are under control, I’m working towards my future, I’m doing amazing at my new job and my supervisors are recognizing that. Life is pretty damn good right now. But I can’t help but get in moods of extreme depression and anxiety, to the point where I can’t stop shaking and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry then die. It keeps happening at random times, at any place. It’s gotten to the point now where I haven’t had an appetite in a few days and want to throw up anything I can choke down. These are always the worst times. I would deal with depression and anxiety every day for the rest of my life if I could just stop losing my appetite because of it. When I lose my appetite and stop eating, it causes a ridiculous amount of other problems for me. Particularly, I can’t poop, I feel like I’m developing a UTI, and I get really really weak to the point where I feel like I’ll pass out if I try to go make myself something to eat. It’s disgusting, its frustrating, and it affects my physical health and mental health.

But that’s whats going on today. I have no appetite, I tried choking down my lunch but only could manage a little less than half of it. I wanted to eat breakfast pizza this morning but I couldn’t bring myself to actually go through with it because every time I thought of it I wanted to throw up. So I had pretzels for breakfast this morning at work and a few spoonfuls of mac n cheese for lunch. I can honestly say I’m making progress when it comes to handling my anxiety, since I am forcing myself to eat today. Normally I would just starve until my appetite came back. I just don’t want to harm myself, I don’t want my anxiety to hurt me anymore, so I’m going to try to choke down dinner later too.

I need to try to keep myself occupied at work. When I have down time and I’m not doing anything I start to think, which leads to overthinking. Anxiety kicks in and all hell breaks loose. I want to stop that from happening.

I hope one day I can actually relax and just rest my brain without it leading to overthinking and anxiety attacks. One day.

Advertisements

Author: Michele

I am a 23 year old from Rochester, NY just trying to fight the monster in my head.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s