A Look Into My Miserable Mind

Most days I’m pretty miserable. It’s something I’ve become more aware of since starting therapy. I just don’t enjoy things anymore. I don’t know if I ever did.

It’s 10:08am on a Tuesday, I’m sitting out on the porch. There are birds chirping in the surrounding trees, light sounds of traffic from the main road, crunching of sticks my dog is chewing on, and a very aggressive wind blowing through my soul.

Why is it so fucking windy today?

Most days I sit miserable in my living room, dreading getting up to do anything. I don’t want to get up and prepare my dogs meals, I don’t want to prepare my own meals. I don’t want to get up to let Beedle go to the bathroom, I don’t want to go myself. I don’t want to go upstairs and have to interact with the other people living in this house. I don’t want to be spoken to. I just want to be left alone.

That’s all I want anymore. The more I dive deeper into the feelings that I’ve kept bottled up for years, the worse I feel. My therapist and other people keep telling me that it’s normal and it’s because I haven’t allowed myself to feeling these emotions. It’s overwhelming because I’m letting everything out all at once. 24 years of bullshit is pouring out of me and I can’t take it.

I don’t want to feel, I don’t want to deal with this shit anymore. I never wanted to deal with it. It just got to the point where nothing else was working so I finally decided to go to a therapist. I’m starting to think that maybe I’m just not meant for life. I really believe that.

I know what I’d be doing taking my own life. My dog would be wondering what the fuck happened to mommy, why is she never around? He is so attached to me. He loves me so much. Even though he’s “just a dog”, he’s one of my best friends and I know it’d kill him if I killed me. My boyfriend would be devastated. He loves me very much and I know he wants me to get through this more than anyone else in the world. But I’d like to think that he’d get over it and move on and be better off without me weighing him down. As for my family, I don’t know if they’d even care. I think they’d get over it the quickest and easiest. I think it’d be hard for my mom because she’d be losing one of her kids. I think it’d be hard on my sister who is dealing with similar shit as I am. But for everyone else, they wouldn’t care. They don’t care now, and I know that for sure.

I don’t have a job and I have no motivation to get one. Thinking about going back to work sends me into a state of mind that I don’t even know how to explain. It’s like I just completely shut down and basically feel like just a shell. I applied for disability but my therapist is confident I won’t get it. She said they don’t approve disability for depression and anxiety, but I literally cannot function. Maybe it’s something more than depression and anxiety, but I’m too fucking depressed and anxious to find out what is going on.

I want to give up.

I want to give up.

I want to give up.

I want to give up.

I want to give up.

I’m not happy with any aspect of my life anymore. I want it to be over.

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Doggy Guardian

The past few days have been really hard for me and I don’t really have a reason why. I’ve been thinking about a couple things that have been upsetting me and I’ve been trying to see them from a different point of view and it’s not really helping. I don’t really know what to do to feel better about this.

Lately all I’ve wanted to do is sleep. I’ve been struggling to sleep at night, and if I do I can’t sleep through the night. I’ve been taking naps every morning and have been struggling to get the motivation to come out of that nap and actually be productive.

My appetite has been non-existent, after being so good for over a week. It’s making me feel physically shitty, and I already felt mentally shitty. Today I’ve barely eaten anything and I just can’t bring myself to eat more. I had a granola bar and a glass of milk for breakfast, and a couple bites of deli meat for lunch. I want to make a sandwich but I know it will be wasted. Wasting food upsets me and not being able to eat really fucking sucks. Everything I even think about eating makes me want to throw up.

I hate getting into these moods. I can handle the random bouts of crying, I can handle not being able to handle situations. I can’t handle not being able to eat. It is literally killing me. I feel so sick, so weak. I look disgusting. I’m so unhappy with myself and it’s all because of my appetite. I’m trying though.

Beedle has been really helpful. I think I would be in a much worse situation if I didn’t have him. He keeps me motivated to get up and going because I have to take care of him and I feel really bad when I don’t give him a good day. On days like today, it’s even more difficult to get up and going, so the fact that I have to physically get up to feed him and to take him outside is really beneficial. The days I sleep through his lunch I feel terrible, so when I took a nap this morning and woke up at 1, and hour after his typical lunch time, I immediately got up and fed him.

Getting up off the couch and upstairs into the sunlight brightened my day. It was a gloomy rainy morning so I didn’t expect the sun at all. After Beedle’s lunch, we went out on a mile walk around the neighborhood. If I didn’t have Beedle, I absolutely would have spent my day miserable and in the dark. I’m very thankful for him.

He also knows when I’m feeling bad. He knows when I’m going to have a bad day. This morning I told my boyfriend as soon as I woke up that I didn’t feel good and it was physical and mental. After we went downstairs to hang out like we do in the morning, Beedle refused to come up on the couch with Joe. I was in the bathroom, and as soon as I came back he jumped up on me and laid his head in my lap. He is so sweet and Joe immediately said “see he knows”. The connection and bond I’ve developed with this dog is unlike anything I ever imagined. In all honesty, when we got a dog I really thought it’d take to Joe more than me. But he’s my little buddy, my little guardian.

I’ll continue using him to keep myself motivated. Him being happy makes me happy, and he’s happiest when he’s out and about just enjoying life.

Understanding.

At my appointment with my therapist last week I talked about something that’s been on my mind and affecting my life for the past 2 years. She asked me to explain everything in full detail, so I did and it made me realize a lot of things. I was able to look at this problem from a different angle and see why it was a problem in the first place. I also discovered what about this is causing me pain and I’m working at getting through that.

My therapist asked me to write about my feelings about this new found discovery, more than just being hurt. So I’ve been thinking a lot about this and I know why these things hurt me and how they make me feel.

A couple of my siblings have expressed their dislike in the way that I handled my break up with my ex fiancé, and I never really understood why. Now I have my theories on why these siblings are stuck on this, after discussing things with my therapist, and I’m slowly learning why they are causing me so much pain.

When my siblings told me their feelings they compared me to my father and that really upset me. It made me feel like a piece of shit, like the lowest of the low, undeserving of life. That’s how I feel about my father and that’s how I would see anyone who was compared to be like him. To have that coming from your family is even worse. Especially my brother, he was always someone I could talk to and would give me advice when I needed it. To hear him say that really just through me off. At this point after reflecting on everything I know he is just the biggest hypocrite anyway and my life is better off without him. As for my sister, her situation is a little different. She said things along the same line as what my brother said but I can’t just cut her out of my life like I did with him. She’s a hypocrite too and I’ve been ridding my life of negative people but she holds the majority of our family get togethers. If I cut her out I won’t be seeing my family on thanksgiving and Christmas. I can’t do that.

So for now I’m just dealing with it. That’s the attitude I have towards a lot of things. I’ve been anxious about my living situation. I’m very fortunate for my living situation but I’m getting to the point in my life where I want to be out on my own with my boyfriend and my dog. We have been talking about it a lot lately and are both very eager to get this show on the road. With time that will come, so for now we have to just deal with the little things. In the long run it will all be worth it. I’m just going to deal with it when it comes to my sister. I will be civil with her. I love my niece and nephews and want to be a part of their lives. I told her to stay in touch with me about their events so I can go, but I just missed my nephews birthday. I really don’t have an excuse, I just forgot. I have been really stressed out and wasn’t thinking about anything like that this weekend. I wish my phone actually had an alert on the calendar. I always set it up but it never seems to work. I need to figure that out since anxiety likes to make my brain focus on all the things that don’t even fucking matter. I’m going to text my sister sometime this week to see if I can come visit and talk to her.

The biggest thing that happened this past week really made me feel good. That sounds crazy to say because it’s about my other brother and his fiancé ending their engagement. That doesn’t sound like a feel good thing.

This past Tuesday, the day before my appointment, my brother called me late at night. I missed his call, an an hour had passed so I just texted him asking what was up. He finally responded on Friday morning saying he would call me after he got out of work that night. I never hear from my siblings like this. It was very strange that he wanted to talk on the phone that bad.

He finally called and told me him and his (ex)fiancé broke up. He said he wanted to call me because I’ve been through this kind of thing and he wanted to just tell me that he understands now. He said he was unhappy and couldn’t see himself marrying someone unhappy. I told him I was happy he realized this before marrying her and I hope he finds the one he needs to find. He says it might be sooner than we think…! I don’t know what that means exactly but I’m happy for him.

It felt good to know one of my siblings truly understood where I was coming from. The fact that this has happened within my immediate family twice within 2 years also made me feel better that maybe my siblings might see this as something that’s not so terrible. I hope that they treat him better than they’ve treated me, and if he brings in another girl sooner rather than later, I hope they are more accepting of her than they were to Joe.

That’s one thing that bothers me the most. I have been uncomfortable bringing Joe around my family who feels this way. It’s not fair to him for them to judge our relationship based on my past. My past shouldn’t matter to them. I also learn from my mistakes so for them to think I’m going to make the same mistakes as I have in the past just goes to show their own views on themselves and their inability to learn from their mistakes.

I honestly can’t wait for my next therapy appointment. I’m hoping this ends a lot of the anxiety I’ve been having about this and I can finally move on from it completely.

Rough Day

Today was shitty. Nothing bad even happened, I’ve just been in a very bad mood that I can’t shake.

I’m very irritable today, to the point where I’m just excessively annoyed at anyone who even comes near me. I’m in a mood where I don’t want to socialize and people just keep talking to me.

I had a plan of working on the garden today. This morning I had an interaction with someone I didn’t want to have and it wasn’t a bad interaction at all, I just didn’t want to have it. That kind of set my mood for the rest of the day. I didn’t want to go upstairs again because I didn’t want to have to talk to the people in the house.

After getting really moody and giving my boyfriend unnecessary attitude, I decided to take a nap. Beedle wouldn’t let me though, he was napping all day already and when I went to lay down, he decided it was time to get up. I decided I should just go outside and enjoy the day with him in the garden, and that’s what we did for like 10 minutes.

Howdy neighbor! Guess what I don’t want? You to talk to me.

My boyfriend lives next to his ex girlfriends parents house. She doesn’t live there anymore, but it’s still awkward as fuck when they try to have a conversation with me. I don’t even know what she said to me, I truly have no idea what she said to me. My reaction? To laugh awkwardly and go back in the house.

I get in these moods often. I would really rather go about my day without having to interact with anyone. I don’t know if this is something I should talk to my therapist about. I honestly just hate people and would rather not waste my time having insignificant small talk.

I don’t know what to do. These feels are going to come out the wrong way one day.

Step One…and a half

I just finished my first therapy appointment about an hour ago. I feel better now that it’s done and over with. I felt so nervous about it before going in and felt like I was going to throw up in the waiting room. I knew I was going to feel bad about it but I didn’t think it would be as bad as it was.

Once I was in the room with the therapist I felt more comfortable. I didn’t hold back, just let stuff start pouring out. She asked me a lot of questions because it was the evaluation and we ended up scheduling s second and third appointment over the next couple weeks. As difficult as it was talking, I felt like she was understand what I was saying and she seems like she is going to be able to at least get me going in the right direction.

She told me I should see my primary doctor about getting some blood work done and a general check up to make sure that it isn’t a hormone imbalance or anything like that. She also said I can talk to him about going on medication for depression and anxiety, if that is something I wanted to do. I’m going to call my doctor and schedule an appointment to get all that taken care of. In all honesty, I kind of want it to be a hormonal imbalance because medicine would fix that. I just feel like having a physical problem would be much easier to deal with than having it be a legitimate mental problem. I don’t really know how any of it works though, so I guess I should be careful what I wish for.

I feel better about the whole situation now that it’s been a little bit after the appointment and I’ve kind of settled down. I was a crying mess at the appointment and it just wasn’t fun, but I feel like it did actually already start to help.

I think it was actually easier to talk to her about what’s been going on because there isn’t going to be that biased opinion that I would get from people who know me personally. I think a huge part of not wanting to talk to people about this is because I would be receiving their opinion rather than advice or just a shoulder to cry on.

We’ll see what my next appointment brings and what some blood work uncovers.

Step One

Tomorrow is my first therapy appointment. I’m not sure what to expect, I’m not even sure what’s going to happen because it’s an evaluation. I’m a little nervous and I don’t want to do it.

I went out to my moms house for a little bit this morning. I talked to her about the appointment and she offered to go with me but I’m going to go alone. I told her I have a hard time doing this stuff with Joe, so I’m not sure how I’m going to do it with anyone else. I don’t like talking about my feelings, I never have, but maybe that’s the issue.

I’ve had a great lack of motivation over the past couple weeks and it’s starting to really get to me. I can’t figure out how to get myself out of this slump. I’m able to keep myself distracted throughout the day but as soon as I settle in with my boyfriend and the end of the day I start piling on the unnecessary thoughts of who knows what and it throws my anxiety and depression through the roof. Lately it’s been bouts of depression towards the end of the day and anxiety in the morning about the day. It’s annoying, frustrating, and honestly just really confusing.

I was able to get out of the house today though. I know the weather lately hasn’t been helping my situation at all. I know the weather has a direct affect on my mood, and I definitely have some type of seasonal depression. I can’t wait until I’m able to move to a sunnier place. I know it’s going to benefit my mental state just as much as my physical state once I’m out and about regularly. Beedle and I were able to go for a nice walk today, and it’s finally supposed to warm up next week.

Beedle in Parma Park 4/17/18

Joe and I are planning a mini camping trip this weekend. I’m very excited! We are going to try to go to the Watkins Glen area, hike through there with Beedle all weekend and visit our favorite restaurant out there, Seneca Farms! They have outdoor seating areas and are officially open for the 2018 season so I’m super excited to bring Beedle. That day we will probably give him more people food than he should have and he’s definitely going to get an ice cream cone!

I’m so excited for the summer. If I’m being honest, I don’t usually look forward to it. No matter how much I love summer, I’m never satisfied with how I spend it. We only get a few months of warm weather, and I’m sick of wasting it. I think having Beedle is really going to motivate us to actually live through the summer than we want. Not only is having Beedle going to help, but having the van is going to help! We are already planning our first trip for this weekend, and it’s still winter in NY. I don’t care if it’s actually spring, there is still snow in our forecast! It’s winter! WE DON’T MAKE PLANS IN WINTER! We literally do nothing all winter long unless we plan a vacation to someplace warm, which we didn’t get to do this winter. So the fact that we have a camping trip planned out for this weekend, and it’s going to SNOW today, it’s awesome. The van is a huge motivation to get off our asses as go explore NYS.

I guess this week is my first step into actually getting better. I’ve spent the last year struggling with this openly, and the last 10 years or so before that struggling with it privately. I’m sick of it controlling my life. I don’t want to not do something because I’m depressed or anxious about it. I have missed little things here and there because of it, and I’m not trying to have it make me miss something much bigger, something more important that I’ll actually regret missing. I don’t want it getting to that point. I won’t let it get to that point.

Don’t Let Your Fears Decide Your Fate

Today I made a great effort to get an appointment with a therapist. An appointment isn’t made, but the effort was.

It’s discouraging to seek help and not get it. I called several therapist offices in my area today. One of them couldn’t get me in until June, and I don’t know if I’d make it that long. Another place had silly requirements that I had to do, which I did do, before they’ll book at appointment. I’m waiting for them to reach out to me at this point. And another place my boyfriend called for me and left a message.

That’s what happened when I tried to seek help.

A while back I had been very suicidal and decided to contact the suicide hotline. I was afraid for my life, I was scaring myself and I truly felt like I was a threat to myself. Instead of acting on my suicidal thoughts, I seeked out help and I got nothing in return. The person on the other line just repeated everything I told them back to me. That’s all they did. “I’m sad” “Oh, you’re sad?” “Yeah, this is happening in my life and causing these feelings” “Oh, so this is happening and causing these feelings?”

This is how the conversation went, and this is what I’m afraid of for therapy. I don’t know who they hire at the suicide hotline, but let me tell you, that person wasn’t helping anyone. I attempted suicide that night.

This is why I’m afraid to go to a therapist. I’m afraid I’m going to pay a ridiculous amount of money to go talk to someone who isn’t going to be able to do anything for me other than repeat back whatever it was that I just told them. I need someone who is going to listen to me, actually hear and understand what I’m saying, and offer legitimate advice, assistance, medication, refer me to a specialist, whatever it may be, but I don’t need someone to tell me what I’ve just told them.

Having responsibilities in situations like this is the absolute worst. I am in a position right now where I barely have the strength to keep going and I have all these responsibilities, like my job and my dog. I called out of work 3 times this week, which now I want to get a doctors note for but I can’t get an appointment made! Anxiety caused me to call out of work 3 times this week, which is now going to make me more anxious going back because of the consequences. I’m willing to face the consequences, but the issue is my issue isn’t resolved. I don’t want to have to call out again, I’m going to lose my job. So now I’m limited to weekends, which a lot of therapist/doctors offices aren’t even open except for emergency services.

As for my dog, I feel terrible for him. Poor thing has had the laziest last 3 days because mom is mentally ill and can’t do anything. We went on a nice trip to the park the first day, but yesterday and today have been shitty days for the weather outside and in my mind. I just can’t bring myself to leave the house. But I’m very lucky, he is the absolute best dog in the world. He has been by my side and comforting me for the last 3 days like the little therapy dog we needed.

My boyfriend actually just called me as I’m writing this and told me the psychiatrist he called doesn’t take my insurance and costs $85 a session. $85 a session and you don’t take my insurance? No thank you. I don’t need more anxiety because I can’t afford therapy!

This has been such a discouraging day. I don’t even know what to do anymore. My job has an employee assistance program which helps with mental health so I think I need to talk to my supervisor about that and see if I can take advantage of that. I know a lot of my anxiety is coming from my job too, which is also something I need to discuss with my supervisor. I’m just worried the conversation will lead me to being let go instead of leading me into a position that will keep my mind at ease. I’m a great asset to the company, I just hope that’s something they’re able to see and work with me instead of against me.

I’m very nervous for tomorrow. It’s going to be a very long, very stressful day. I can only imagine I’m going to be balling my eyes out to my supervisor. I could barely ask to make an appointment for my depression and anxiety because I would start choking on my words. I hate this so much.

Please, just end soon. Please.