The Weight of Living

In a few short months it will have been one year since I’ve started this blog. My ultimate goal was to feel better, and I am happy to say that a few short months from my “goal” I am feeling genuinely happy. The thing is, happiness isn’t stopping certain thoughts. 

I think I have always felt emotions a little differently than the people I grew up around. My personality as a whole has been more “down” than most people’s, and its natural for me. I don’t know if anyone could ever understand what I mean by that, but as long as I know that is all that matters.

Growing up I remember very vividly moments where people have acknowledged my personality. They almost always assumed I was depressed or a bitch because I liked to keep to myself, and I still give off the same impressions today. The only difference today is, I am depressed. I might be a bitch, but I am definitely depressed.

Why? Why did I develop depression? Maybe it’s genetics. Maybe not. I don’t know, and I probably never will.

I’d like to believe that my depression and anxiety both stem from genetics, that way I have someone to blame, mom and dad! But putting the blame on someone else is never a way to solve your problems, so I won’t do that (even if it is one day proven that it is 100% genetics).

Most days I think that I am too smart for my own good. My brain knows about the bad in the world, and simply doesn’t think life is worth living in this world. Maybe I think too much about the things that might not even matter, but those things weigh heavy on my brain and my heart and give me those suicidal thoughts.

Now these things that I keep mentioning vary. I know that some of them are actual real life issues that are affecting the human race and this planet as a whole, and others are as simple as people not following the rules of the road when I’m driving home from work. Whether its big or small doesn’t matter, they all weigh the same on me. Heavy. As. Fuck.

So just imagine EVERY SINGLE ISSUE in the world, big and small. That is the weight on my shoulders. That is the weight I just can’t shake, no matter what I do. It holds me back in my day-to-day life and it is holding me back from a good future. I can’t stop thinking about these issues, about the actions of others, about the straight stupidity of others that is destroying this world. It pisses me off to no end. I wish I could vent about these things to someone, I wish I could vent about these things to the people who are doing them. I wish I could educate every single person on this planet who is doing something that is causing more harm than good, or is GOING to cause more harm than good. I wish I could say all of these things, but without sounding like I’m full of myself, or a know-it-all. I wish I could say these things without making people feel stupid, without sounding conceded or like I think I’m better than anyone else. Because I really don’t feel that way, I understand that I make mistakes all the time. I do bad things, I will own up to anything that I do. I just see people going about their daily lives in a fashion that I just see as so wrong, and I know that I can’t change people like that, but it would be so nice if I could. At least on the things that put my life and other’s at risk.

Maybe I will start a new blog strictly venting about these things that I think about. Maybe that will help me.

Anyway, I feel like I went off about the weight on my shoulders. Back to the rest of this blog…

When I was growing up people would assume I was depressed. My brother’s (now ex) girlfriend even asked my other siblings if I was depressed. All because I liked to keep to myself. So, I guess what I’m getting at is that depression doesn’t give a fuck what your personality is like. I don’t think that if I was a more “bubbly” person that I wouldn’t be depressed. I don’t think people should assume that a smile on the outside means a smile on the inside, because it really doesn’t. People may be able to “see” my depression (or so they think, because back then I actually wasn’t depressed), but they can’t see it all. I know tons of people who are the happiest people you’ll ever meet, and they suffer every day with this. Even when I feel happy, it’s still there. In the back of my head, I’m still thinking that I’d rather be dead.

So, I’d rather be dead. Let’s talk about that.

It’s never like a “I’m going to kill myself right now” type of deal. It is just a thought that stays on my mind until I start thinking of ways to actually do it. Luckily, depression hasn’t completely taken over, and I can usually get those feelings to subside for a little bit. But I think about it a lot, almost every day of my life. Yeah, almost every day of my life I think to myself that I’d rather be dead.

I could be at work. Rather be dead.

Visiting my mom. Rather be dead.

Playing with my nieces and nephews. Rather be dead.

Loving my boyfriend. Rather be dead.

Snuggling my cat. Rather be dead.

Playing video games. Rather be dead.

Stargazing. Rather be dead.

I truly would rather be dead. I have never just completely come to terms with that until now. Until writing this particular blog and actually typing that out over and over again, it put me in a position just now where I am okay with having those thoughts. I don’t know if they will ever go away, but for now they’re there. 

I am and will continue to do everything in my power to never act on this feeling. But it’s definitely there, and I don’t want to pretend like it isn’t. 

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A Glorious Day

“It’s a glorious Monday!” – no one, ever

Just kidding. Mondays aren’t all that bad for me, especially now that I have a job I don’t mind going to every day. Although Mondays aren’t too shabby, they are definitely not glorious.

This morning was one bad thing after another. I guess I don’t want to say bad, because the events that took place this morning really weren’t that bad. Just inconvenient, I guess.

99.9% of the time when I wake up I wake up shortly before my alarm goes off. This morning I woke up at what I thought was 4:30-ish. My alarm is set for 5:53am to get up for work. I thought I had over an hour to go potty and get the fuck back to sleep before the day of the week that everyone hates the most. Apparently it was 5:30 and I should change the clock on the oven in the kitchen. When I got back into bed my boyfriend asked me if I was going back to sleep. Already half-asleep, I said yes, and he told me we only had 20 minutes before the alarm was going to go off. Half-asleep, I didn’t really take in this information. I remember hearing it, but it didn’t really register and I fell back asleep.

20 minutes later. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. How glorious, right?

I hate waking up to an alarm. It is obviously unnatural, but what I hate the most is that it feels completely unnatural. It is something that humans have been doing for years and years. It’s something I have been doing since I’ve been waking myself up for school and now work. It is something we will never get used to, it will never become a natural thing.

Not only does waking up to an alarm scare the living shit out of me at 5:53 every morning, but my body is almost always like “no, its not time to get up yet, shhh!”, but I have to force myself to get out of bed still.

It makes me wonder if a world without schedules would be possible for humans. Could we, as humans in this day and age, live without schedules, or would our world completely fall without them? Would we have to revert back to a previous time in human history in order to successfully live without schedules, and never develop them? Or maybe, even waaaay back in the day when we were little cave people, maybe even then we had schedules. Maybe even the earliest humans had someone or something waking them up everyday for their daily tasks. I’m sure those tasks are much different now than they were, but maybe the concept has always existed.

No matter what was and what is now, a world without schedules sounds pretty damn glorious.

via Daily Prompt: Glorious

Colorado

Joe and I went on a road/camping trip to Twin Lakes, Colorado. It was one of the most amazing places I’ve ever been to and one of the best trips I’ve ever taken.

The drive down was surprisingly easy. I haven’t been driving for very long yet so I am always a little nervous before road trips. Honestly, I’m a little nervous every time I get behind the wheel and I have to go to a new location. We alternated between driving and sleeping and managed to get there in a little over a day.

We arrived in Denver a little later in the evening. The sun was setting and we knew we wouldn’t be able to find a campsite and set up in the dark, so we booked a cheap hotel for the night. First we stopped at a dispensary and picked up some goodies.

The dispensary experience as a whole was really cool for me. I didn’t really know what to expect, especially considering recreational marijuana is illegal in NY, and medical marijuana is still pretty taboo here, even though it is legal for certain medical issues. The first dispensary we went to, however, was extremely strict. They almost seemed robotic, like all the employees weren’t even real humans. It made the experience a little tense, almost like it was still an illegal activity.

Once we got our goods we headed to the hotel. Walking into the hotel, you see the lobby desk with an employee there. To the right you see the Golden Bowl, a foreign restaurant. I say foreign because I can’t remember what it actually was, but for some reason I feel like it was a Thai restaurant. I could be 100% wrong though! There were employees running back and forth between the hotel and the restaurant, I’m 99.9% sure they were running both! That was a little strange, but good for them I guess.

English was clearly their second language, so it was a little difficult to understand them. When he gave us directions to our room, he told us to go downstairs, but we were already on the ground floor. Let me tell you, I have never thought that I would stay in a hotel basement, but that is exactly what happened. Obviously we had our own room, but there were just a couple rooms down in the basement. There were a lot of doors that we didn’t have access to that just made the overall appearance of the place look sketchy. The windows were at ground level and the safety lock on ours was broken. Someone could have/already did break into that room from the ground window. The hotel room was dirty. The sheets were very clearly used and the shower was definitely not cleaned in between stays.

This hotel sucked. I would not recommend staying there, but it was a decent enough place to sleep for the night. We had just driven over 24 hours so I think we both just didn’t care. Now that I think back on it, I really feel kind of gross for having slept in that bed! I appreciated that my boyfriend booked that room for us though, it was definitely needed.

We got up the next morning and went out to hit up more dispensaries and headed towards Twin Lakes to find a campsite. The drive through the mountains to Twin Lakes was beautiful. We have the Adirondacks in New York but they aren’t nearly as breathtaking as the Rockies were. Every single place you look just takes your breath away. Every corner turned opens up a new view of sky high mountains, some topped with snow, others covered in thick trees, the rest almost completely barren. The sun and clouds would cause the shadows to dance across the mountains, completely changing their shape and sometimes their color. It was beautiful.

When we arrived in Twin Lakes we actually ended up staying at the first campsite we found. We looked for a few hours but the first one we looked at ended up being the best. We had a beautiful view overlooking the lakes and out at the surrounding mountains. We were on one of the dirt roads that lead up to the Mount Elbert South Trailhead, which we planned on hiking later in the week. After setting up camp we settled down and just had a very relaxing night.

We woke up early Monday morning. It was an unexpectedly cold night. Even with all the blankets and warm clothes we had it was still hard to get warm. Definitely a learning experience. We weren’t sure what to expect at that altitude, and will definitely come better prepared next time.

Besides the cold, it was a decent night of sleep. We honestly didn’t do a single thing on Monday. We hung out all day at the campsite, just going back and forth between eating, sleeping, and smoking. It was one of the most relaxing days of the trip and one of the most uneventful days of any trip I’ve ever taken.

After another night of freezing, we got up and got ready to tackle our first 14er, Mount Evans! Mount Evans is a 14er in the Rockies that you can drive up, then there is a small section at the top that you can hike to reach the summit. Joe drove, and had a few panic attacks on the way up. He is afraid of heights and cliffs so it was hard for him to do, but he did it! I was so proud of him. I’ve never wanted my fears to hold me back from doing things, so I’m glad he is pushing his limits.

Mt. Evans Fox

Not too far into the drive Joe spotted a fox just hanging out at one of the pull off parking lots. Clearly this fox knew where humans were and that humans meant food. He wasn’t afraid at all, cautious, but not afraid. Another car pulled in after us and attempted to feed the fox pieces of apples, but he wasn’t interested. I got a piece of beef jerky out of the car and he took a huge interest. I was able to get him close enough where I honestly thought he would take the food from my hand, but I didn’t want to risk getting nipped at or anything so I set it on the ground and backed off. I wish Joe had gotten pictures or a video of the whole thing, but we only have pictures of the fox himself. On our way back down we checked to see if he was still around but he wasn’t.

mount evans

Mount Evans was beautiful. The views were stunning all the way up and back down. Even writing this blog, weeks after this vacation has ended, I can still see the views so clearly in my head. There were 3 main sections that you could look out to that weren’t looking back down the road. There were random lakes scattered throughout the mountain. The shadows of the mountains were always changing as the clouds rolled across the sky. All of the colors of the mountains, from the different varieties of trees and plants, the striations of colors scattered throughout the rocky surfaces, the bursts of blue from bodies of water reflecting the sky followed by the blue fade as the mountains in the distance became part of the sky, these beautiful features come together in every scene in the Rockies.

lake2Before we arrived at the campsite again we decided to check out Twin Lakes to see if we could find a spot to launch our kayaks later in the week. The sun had just started setting, and the sky was turning from blue to orange and pink. I had already thought Twin Lakes was beautiful, from the view we had from our campsite. I had no idea it would be so much more beautiful up close. The surrounding mountains seemed to enclose the lake, like it was a beautiful secret. The reflections of the sky splashed the water with orange. We unfortunately didn’t go kayaking that night, but it was nice to finally check out the lake.


mount elbertOn Wednesday we got to take on our second 14er, Mount Elbert! This was the hiking trip that this vacation revolved around. It was an all day hike, about 8 miles long. We unfortunately didn’t make it to the summit, but we were so close! According to other people on the trail, we were about a mile from the summit when we turned around. I couldn’t go any further. My asthma was causing me to stop every few steps and my legs were starting to feel like they were getting to their half way point. I wanted to make sure I would be able to make it back down, so we turned around. I’m glad we broke the treeline, but I wish we made it to the top.


Next time we go to Colorado we want to climb Mount Elbert again and actually succeed. Maybe by then we will be able to successfully climb a couple 14ers in one vacation. We are going to work on getting in better shape and I want to look into my asthma a little more since I’ve only had it for a year now. I need to see what will make hiking easier on my lungs, I do not want asthma holding me back.

Mount Elbert was beautiful as well. Even though we didn’t get to the summit, everything that we saw was still just as stunning as if we were looking at it from the summit. It was an incredible experience and I am really looking forward to doing it again.

After our Mount Elbert hike we were completely beat, so we just hung out at the campsite for the rest of the night. Every muscle in my body was so sore that I could feel which muscles were being used for literally every single move I made. I have never had my whole body sore like that. Climbing mountains is a lot of work, but it was so rewarding.

Thursday rolled around and Joe and I had already decided to leave a day early. We were sick of waking up from the cold in the middle of the night every night, so we decided to cut the trip a day short. It gave us extra time back home to get ready for work again, so it wasn’t bad at all.

lakeWe finally went kayaking on Twin Lakes on Thursday. Afternoon thunderstorms were common every day so we made sure all our outdoor activities were done in the morning. It was a beautiful morning kayaking on the lake, surrounded by towering mountains in every direction. I think kayaking on Twin Lakes was my favorite part of the trip. I could have kicked back in my kayak and taken a nap, but there was a storm forming over the mountains in the distance, and the storms would roll down over the lake every afternoon.

When we got back to the campsite the storm was really making its way towards us. It was absolutely insane seeing a dark gray cloud rolling down the mountain and watching the rain start pouring down in the distance. Weather has always been very interesting to me, so it was actually cool to have so many storms on a vacation.

We napped through the storm and woke up to sun. After our nap we packed everything up and started our trip back home.

Colorado was one of the most beautiful states I have ever visited. I can’t wait to go back, and it will be a consideration when we’re looking for a new place to call home.

 

P E N C H A N T

Penchant. A word I have never heard until today.

These daily prompts that I’ve decided to start participating in are definitely going to broaden my vocabulary. I’ve always thought of myself as a pretty smart person, but I’ve never had a really good vocabulary. My vocabulary only seemed like it was so advanced because my sibling’s vocabulary was lacking. It’ll be good to learn some new words.

The English language is something I will never master. There are so many different words that mean the same thing, so I tend to just stick to the words that I know instead of learning a new word that means the same thing. However, different words make writing a lot more interesting. If everyone’s vocabulary was as basic as mine, or more basic, the world would honestly be pretty boring. The writings we all know and love today probably wouldn’t exist.

After a quick google search I found that penchant is just a fondness for something, or a preference. Easy enough. I have a penchant for a lot of things.

Astronomy. Video games. Nature/adventures. Reading. Learning. My cat. My boyfriend. Music. Food. Drivers who obey the rules of the road, which I would never recommend disobeying.

I’m sure there are a million other things that I could put on that list. In all honesty, penchant is probably a word that I will never use again.

It was nice knowing you, penchant!

 

via Daily Prompt: Penchant

D I S O B E Y

My first daily prompt. 5 minutes ago I didn’t know what a daily prompt was, but the prompt isn’t to explain what a daily prompt is, it’s to discuss the topic, Disobey.

Disobey. Something I feel like I don’t do very often, but by the time I finish writing this I might have changed my mind.

What does it even mean to disobey something? To what extent do you have to go against something to consider it disobedience? According to the wonderful world of Google, disobey means failing to obey a rule, command, or someone in authority. If you take that literally, I am a very disobedient person and I think most people would be too.

I would be lying if I said I never went against someone in authority. Whether it be my parents, my supervisors/managers at work, or people older than me (because some people think age = authority), I have definitely went against what they’ve said.

I couldn’t imagine what my life would be like if I had followed every rule, every law, every command I’ve been given since I was born. I would be a robot. I wouldn’t be myself, I wouldn’t be an individual. I wouldn’t have set the stage for the way my parents would treat my younger sibling. I wouldn’t have developed the relationships that I have. Everything in my life would be completely different.

If we go by my definition of disobey, I’m not a disobedient person. The true meaning of a word gets twisted throughout time, as people use it in different contexts and what not. To be disobedient definitely has a negative sound to it. It seems like a very negative word, but all it means to be disobedient is that you want change.

I don’t think disobeying something or someone is a bad thing. I do think going along with things that you don’t agree with is a bad thing. If you need to, go ahead and disobey.

via Daily Prompt: Disobey

Breathe

I have been awake since 2am, it is currently 5:44am, I have to be at work in a few hours, but I’m ok. 

Right now I feel ok. Everything is quiet and peaceful. There’s a slight glow in the room from the fish tank and all I hear is the clock ticking. My mind is clear, my body feels rested. 

I haven’t felt this way in a very long time. I honestly can’t really remember the last time I’ve felt this good. All I can do is hope it lasts. 

I think starting my new job has had a positive impact on my overall mood. I’m feeling very comfortable at my job and I’m good at it. I’m not dreading going to work everyday and I’m not stressing about work when I’m home. It’s really nice. 

For once I feel like I can just breathe. 

Anxiety

I feel like I’m on a never ending street called anxiety, but this street isn’t intersecting with anything, so I just have to keep going. 

I’ve felt this way for a while and it’s been really strong lately. For the past couple weeks I have had very little control over my anxiety. It’s affecting my sleeping habits and eating habits like it usually does when it gets this bad. I have no reason for it. There’s not really anything going on in my life that I’m anxious about. It’s just there. 

I really think that’s the worst. When I’m anxious or depressed with a reason, it’s fine because once that reason goes away I generally feel better. With this no reason at all nonsense I have NO idea why I’m feeling this way and NO idea when it’s going to go away. I don’t know how to turn it off. I even try to think of things that might be causing it but  I usually come up with nothing. 

Lately I’ve been thinking maybe it’s my vacation coming up, but when I think about all aspects of the vacation I don’t feel anxious at all. Maybe it’s finances, but I’m in a decent situation financially that I can only hope will continue to improve. My relationships are all good. I’m starting a new job that’s going to be a great opportunity for me again and that I’m actually going to enjoy. Nothing in my life is “bad” right now. That’s the worst part. 

I hope one day I don’t feel this kind of anxious anymore. It’s always the worst feeling kind and it seems to have the longest episodes. I think this is week 3. I’ve woken up every day with anxiety for 3 weeks. I’ve lost sleep throughout the night from nightmares, struggled getting to sleep at night because I can’t shut off my brain, for 3 weeks. 

I honestly just want a good night of sleep. Maybe I’ll feel better then.