Day 85-91

I’m slacking. I haven’t been keeping up with this blog but I wanted to update it and hopefully start actually doing it on a daily basis again. 

For the past week I have been applying for jobs and playing video games. I had 2 interviews, have another next week and will hopefully have a job soon. 

Job hunting has been stressing me out. It’s a really frustrating process having to start all over at a new job. I’ve been trying to stay relaxed but my anxiety has just been through the roof. 

I’ve been trying to keep busy but the things that I can do regularly keep getting canceled. My boyfriend plays flag football and they haven’t had enough people to play so the past few weeks they haven’t gone. It was fun going so I’ve been dying to go again but it keeps not working out. All the other stuff I ever wanna do costs money but I don’t mind hanging at home with my boyfriend playing video games or chess or watching tv. I really want to go bowling again soon. We went last week and it was a lot of fun. 

My mood has been relatively ok. I haven’t had any really bad episodes since I’ve been home from vacation. 

Day 83 & 84

I am really struggling right now. I haven’t been able to stop crying all day and I just want to curl up into a ball and sleep forever. I hate these days so much. I feel like a lot of my anxiety right now is being caused from not having a job and not having an income. I can’t pay my bills and one of my credit cards is going to a collection agency now. I don’t even know what to expect with that or how I’m even gonna settle it. I’m struggling so bad financially and it’s stressing me out so bad. My anxiety has already been so bad so this stress on top of it is just so much worse. 

I feel like I just want to die. I hate feeling like this and I don’t see a way out of it besides getting a job and making money again. And I’m trying so hard to get a job. I have applied to so many places and will seriously take the first thing I’m offered. I just need an income again, I need to pay my bills. 

This is one of the hardest days I’ve had in a while. I just want some sort of relief. I need some sort of relief. I’m not a religious person but God please just help me, I’m begging you. 

Day 69-82

So I definitely didn’t write a blog each day like I said I would. Any time I had down time I was dead tired and didn’t even think about writing. Just sleep. 

Day 69 was the day before the cruise. At this point I can’t even really remember what we did. I think my boyfriend and I went to the  Florida Keys this day for the majority of the day. We wanted to check it out and attempt to go snorkeling and hammock up. 

Unfortunately the water was really murky that day and we couldn’t test out our snorkel masks. The beach we went to was kind of dirty, in a natural way though. Just wasn’t that perfect white sandy beach I expected, but was still beautiful. We found a place to hammock up, which is extremely difficult on the beaches on the east coast of Florida and in the keys where we went. There are NO TREES! I don’t know how people survive without them bad boys shading everything, especially in that Florida sun. 

There was another place in the keys we went that was a little more private because it was right next to private property. It was a dead end that lead to someone’s private beach and mansion. There were no signs in the loop around indicating we couldn’t be there so we stayed. There was no beach where we were but there were reef rocks all over the place and my boyfriend started picking up all the snails and telling me all about everything. He loves the water. 

That night we had to prep for boarding the ship. We just made sure all of our stuff was ready to go and that everyone knew the plan for the next day. 

Day 70 was cruise day! My boyfriend had to drive the first car load of people and luggage to the cruise port. A 20 minute drive (40 total) turned into a 40 minute drive (80 total) because of that wonderful Miami traffic. When my boyfriend was driving the first load I hung out with his parents in the hotel. Me and his mom talked a lot and his dad just sat there ignoring us like men usually do when women get together haha. When we heard from my boyfriend, we headed down to the lobby with our luggage. Everything was great, we were about to be on a cruise to Mexico. 

When my boyfriend made it back to the hotel something was wrong. He was being completely rude to everyone and didn’t even look me in the eye once. Didn’t say a word to me. Instant bad mood. I hate when he gets in shitty moods because of traffic and I can’t do anything about it unless I’m in the car with him when it happens. I tried to not let it bother me but when you see your boyfriend you usually get a hello or a hug not a cold shoulder. The whole way to the cruise port I was pissed off. I really tried not to let his mood affect mine but I didn’t really succeed. 

I knew t wasn’t the time or place to talk to him about it with his parents in the car so I waited until we boarded the ship. 

The boarding process was a lot smoother than I remember it being. We got there kind of late so the main crowd was gone but it was still decently packed. When we got to our room I told him about how his attitude towards me made me feel and we both broke down. We both had been so stressed out, him especially, with making this vacation work. I think we both really needed that break down. 

For the rest of the evening we hung out until going to bed. I wanted to take a nap all day long but couldn’t, so I slept hard the first night. 

Day 71 – first day at sea!

Today we were at sea. The ship we went on, empress of the seas, didn’t have much to offer to people like my boyfriend and I. The ship’s activities overall favored drunks and teens. Our days at sea were spent eating food, taking naps, and hot tubbing. We went to the casino as well on those days. Today was actually my boyfriends birthday. I wanted to make sure he did everything he wanted to do. It was a great day for sure. 

Day 72- Cozumel, Mexico! I can’t believe we went to Mexico! My boyfriend and I got up and off the ship decently early. We walked from the port to an opening to the coast off the side of a very populated beach. When we got there we saw in the distance the cruise ship’s snorkeling excursion. We ended up snorkeling in the same spot for free!! It was absolutely beautiful. I have never snorkeled before and was just completely blown away by the life under the water. You don’t really realize it’s there until you see it. After snorkeling we headed back to the ship. I finally got a nap in and we ended up missing bingo but it was a well needed nap. 

Day 73 – Belize City, Belize. The majority of our day in Belize was actually spent on the boat. We went off the ship for maybe an hour, Belize is not a place I wanna be. There’s pretty much just one relatively small strip of shops. Along those shops are several signs indicating a security level, luckily it was at 1 in most places, 2 in one place…not even sure what they mean. And behind those shops were fences and barriers spiked with barbed wire. We bought a cutting board and got the fuck back on the ship. 

Day 74 – Costa Maya, Mexico. Back to Mexico! Costa Maya was just as beautiful as Cozumel, but the water was too choppy to snorkel. The current pushed and pulled too much. My boyfriend and I spent the day on the beach. It was amazing! 

Day 75 & 76 – our last day was at sea. On Friday morning we got off the ship and had to grab everyone’s luggage before heading to our next destination. We found a nice rest stop that night not too far from Cocoa Beach, which is where we spent Saturday. 

Day 77 – Cocoa Beach, Florida. Like to drink? Like to be surrounded by a bunch of annoyed people who can’t escape the sun? Come to Cocoa Beach!! I’m sorry if anyone who reads this lives there, it’s just not the place for me. My boyfriend and I spent the day playing chess on the beach and trying to escape the sun. We stopped at Cocoa Beach Pier, which was by far the most upsetting pier ive ever been on. When I walk on a pier I want to walk down a long open path into the middle of a body of water. I want to look to my left and see water, not shops. I want to look to my right and see more water, not a bar. 

That night we had the Dirty Heads concert, which was amazing and terrible all in one. Amazing because Ballyhoo and Dirty Heads put on a damn good show, but holy crap. THE SOUND WAS HORRENDOUS. Alan Shepard Park in Cocoa Beach has the crappiest sound system I’ve ever heard. I will never go see a show there again. I will definitely see Ballyhoo and Dirty Heads again though! 

After the show we drove about an hour north then went to bed. We got up early on Sunday and started our journey home. My boyfriend wasn’t feeling good so I took the first shift of driving. I got us to North Carolina, my boyfriend brought us to Virginia I think and we split the rest of the way home. This was my first road trip where I was actually a part of the driving. The only other road trip I’ve been on was almost 10 years ago so I don’t even like counting it. I did a lot better at driving than I thought I would, and it was a lot of fun hanging out with my boyfriend. 

During our vacation my boyfriend and I both had moments where we were paranoid or depressed or anxious. Some were a lot worse than the others, but we got through it all. It was really hard on both of us and I think it almost opened our eyes even more to the things we need to work on as individuals and as a couple. I have never wanted to try with someone so much in my life. I love this man to pieces and I’m so lucky to have him. He really keeps me together and I know I help him too. 

Since vacation has been over I’ve been applying to jobs. I’m hoping to get something soon, anything. I need money bad, I have bills coming up and I really don’t want to ask people for money. I hate borrowing money and the amount I need to borrow is honestly just embarrassing. I made some bad choices over the past few months of not having a job and it’s catching up to me and I’m starting to regret that decision but at the time I didn’t know what else to do. Hopefully I can get money rolling in soon. I just want to pay off all my debt, start putting money away every time I get paid. Being forced to spend my money on things that are necessities rather than wants is going to help me for sure. 

So I’ll probably just keep applying until I get something and slowly just start building myself up again. I’m feeling good, feeling motivated. It feels so good to feel this way. 

Day 68

I keep forgetting to write at the end of every day so it’s the morning of day 69. 

Yesterday we finished driving down to Miami. We are hanging out here until we leave for the cruise on Friday. We got to Miami around 7pm and went swimming at the hotel immediately. We had to test out our new snorkel gear which we will hopefully get to use for real today. 

So far it’s been amazing and it’s only the morning of the 3rd day 😍🙌🏻. 

Day 67

It’s 6:40 am on day 68 and I am sitting in the bathroom of a gas station in NC 😂 so far this road trip has been pretty fun and it’s been so nice to just have some time with my boyfriend. 

Yesterday I started getting a little off feeling but it wasn’t because of anything mental health related I think. So that’s good! Maybe this will be a 100% happy vacation. 

We are driving to Miami today and will hopefully be there before sunset tonight. 

Day 65 & 66

The last 2 days have been pretty crazy with finishing up everything for vacation. We got the car all packed and are leaving first thing in the morning! I’m so excited. 

My mood has been kind of off the past couple days. I think I know what’s causing it and I think that’s helping it not develop into anything completely outrageous and stupid. I’m just trying to not let these stupid little things bother me anymore. It’s not worth the stress and anxiety it’s been causing me. 

I’m going to continue writing my blog throughout vacation on a nightly basis. I’ll just leave them in my notes and will post them when I return. I want to remember these happy moments as well as possible so I think this will be a great idea. It’ll help me reflect on each day of vacation better too. 

I’m so excited to be leaving this crappy 20 degree weather for gorgeous 80 degree weather 😍. I can’t wait to start the trip!

Day 64

I have been so bad at writing these lately. Life’s just been kind of repetitive. Vacation is in a couple days so I’ll be missing about a week worth of blogs. I haven’t decided if I’m going to write each day and just post late or if I’m just going to write one big blog about vacation. 

I can’t believe it’s here already. 

I’ve been ok lately with my mood. My period has been kicking my ass but my mood has been relatively positive. My boyfriend woke up in a really crappy mood this morning so I was comforting him. I’m currently at my moms house but I’m gonna meet my boyfriend back at home soon. 

_________________________

My boyfriend ended up texting me he was home early so I stopped writing and went home to meet him. He’s back at work now but I have to leave in 40 minutes to get him. 

I’m ready for vacation! It’s going to hopefully be a relaxed night and tomorrow we will finish packing.