Day 109

Today was a pretty good day but I’ve felt off for most of it. 

I woke up this morning and my boyfriend seemed to have a rough night. He was downstairs for a few hours before I got up. He ended up having a rough night because I had a rough night so it was kind of just a big mess but we were fine after talking and snuggling. I think we are both at the point where we don’t want our “little” problems to be big problems for the other person anymore. I say “little” because they may seem like minor issues to the other but to ourselves it’s a big deal. Anxiety makes everything a big deal…

Speaking of anxiety, I took a stupid little anxiety test a couple weeks ago when I was having a really bad attack. I wanted to try taking it while I was feeling those emotions. I feel like I can’t quite explain it unless I’m actually feeling it. I just remember that it’s a really shitty feeling. Anyway, I took the test and it spat out all of this stuff about the different types of anxiety I have and all that jazz. I have been getting emails from the lady who made the test and I kind of want to go through her program. I know it’s stupid, it’s some random quiz I found on the internet, this lady probably doesn’t exist and if she does she probably isn’t certified to give any type of advice…but I want to try it. While I can tell her emails are all automated, they were definitely written by a real person with real understanding of anxiety. I just feel calmer reading them. It’s weird… but once I start getting a paycheck and get back on track I might actually do it. 

Back to my day today…

After my boyfriend went to work I drove to my moms house to pick up my sister. We decided to go to Corbetts Glenn, a park with a gorgeous view. I love it here!

I want to keep going for walks every day that I can. Nature makes me happy, I am always just so relaxed and stress free when I’m out in nature. I want to feel that way at least once every day. It’s getting warmer so I can get outside more, hopefully that will lead to brighter days. I feel like my depression is pretty seasonal. But my anxiety has been non stop for a few years now. 

After we got back I hung out a little until my mom got up. We planned on going to my grandmas house to visit for her birthday. She is 90 years old! It was really nice seeing my grandma. I honestly think the last time I saw her was a year ago, for her 89th. I don’t want to only visit her once a year. I want to start seeing her more. I love my grandma and I think regular company will be good for her. My aunt lives with her but we all know my aunt drives her crazy 😂. 

I went home after and my boyfriend quickly greeted me and told me not to take my shoes off. I felt like I was in the car all day! I didn’t want to get in the car again. We went to run a quick errand and finally got back home, made dinner, and are probably going to bed soon. 

All day I felt anxious. I don’t know why. I’m not sure if it’s because my job is starting soon and that’s always a little nerve wracking or if it’s just all this other mysterious bullshit that anxiety likes to be triggered by. I guess we will find out when I start work. 

My boyfriend talked to me about that too. He said when my job starts I’m probably going to feel really anxious and stressed and I’ll want to give up but I have to just push through it and it will get easier. I know he’s right, I know that probably will happen and I’ll want to quit. The thought of backing out of this job has crossed my mind. I just keep pushing those thoughts out of my head though. I’m honestly excited to be working for the company that I am and I’m really excited to be working in this setting again. I’m glad that I interviewed with the store manager because now I have a good idea of how the management will be, and with this kind of management comes good employees which is a huge plus. I have had great luck with jobs when it comes to the employees and management, this streak is continuing it seems. 

So I’m definitely excited and definitely terrified but I know I can’t do it. I’m 108 days in since I started this little blog diary thing and at this point I’m feeling so much better than I did on day 1. It’s been 146 days of unemployment which has driven me mad, and I am really excited to get back to work.

I’m going to try to stay relaxed tonight. Just try to not have an anxious night. It’s impossible to control, but positive thoughts might do something. 


The past couple days have been fun. 

The weather has been a little warmer so my boyfriend and I went on a (very short) hike with his best friend and dog. The dog was being a little crazy and my boyfriends friend didn’t want to deal with him so we decided to head back early and take a drive. Towards the end of our drive we hit a hunk of sharp metal in the road and it blew the tire. My boyfriends friend and dog got picked up and we waited for the tow truck to arrive. 

The next day it was even nicer. We took my boyfriends niece around the block on her bike then went for a hike again. We found a nice spot to put the hammock up and relaxed for a while. 

It has almost been a year since we started hanging out and our first time hanging out was at this park. I will always love going here. Not only did it give me the most perfect boyfriend I could possibly ask for, he is absolutely the best friend I’ve ever had. I’m so lucky! 💚

Today he woke up with a stye so he called off from work and we’ve just been hanging out. I was having a bit of a rough time this morning. I’m not sure why but at night before bed and when I wake up I’ve been feeling so anxious. I think it’s just a time when my brain starts running. I have literally been thinking of the most irrational and irrelevant things. I’m trying not to let it get to me or cause any unnecessary fights but it makes me feel pretty shitty. I broke down a bit this morning and my boyfriend just held me and talked me through it. We have been getting better at comforting each other even when we need to be comforted. I know he hasn’t been feeling the greatest for a while now and he still puts my feelings first. He’s been trying to just shut things out, keep work out of home sort of, but I think it’s making things worse. I told him he can talk to me about his day even if it’s the same thing everyday. I want him to be able to vent to me or cry on my shoulder. I know how much “bitching” about things can make you feel better. Crying about things makes you feel better. 

Right now we are just hanging out. He is studying for his CDL and I’ve been playing video games. I start my job in less than a week so I’ll have something to do for 8 hours 5 days a week. 🙌🏻 

Things seem to be looking up. 

Day 92-104


Remember when I said I wanted to start these back up on a daily basis? Complete fail. 

The past few weeks have been pretty boring and repetitive honestly. 

I have been applying for jobs every day. I had a few interviews and finally landed a job. It pays more than minimum but less than I was making at my last job…quite a bit less. But it’s full time and it’s going to help me get back on my feet. I emailed my old boss and he is fully aware that I am interested in working there again, so hopefully someday in the near future I can pick that job back up and move this new job to part time. I’m really excited to get back to work. I interviewed with the manager and he seems super cool. I’ve been really lucky to have always had good managers, so it looks like that trend is continuing on 🙌🏻

I have been trying to sell stuff because I have bills coming up before I’ll get paid, so I need some money. I managed to sell $115 worth of stuff for me and $90 worth of stuff for my boyfriend. He’s helping me with my car payment and some of my insurance and my sister is letting me borrow some money for a credit card bill. I’m so lucky to have people in my life who care about me enough to let me borrow money. I hate letting people borrow money, I don’t every hand that out, so I really appreciate the help. 

I have also been playing a lot of Zelda. I am trying to 100% the game before beating Ganon so it’s taking a long time. I’ve had a lot of down time though. It keeps me busy, keeps the day going on. 

My depression hasn’t been that bad but I’ve been extremely anxious lately. I think it’s just because of the job search, because now that I have a job starting soon I feel a lot better. I just heard the news yesterday though so I can’t really tell, but my anxiety has been bad almost every day. It’s prevented me from eating which is causing digestive problems so I’m just a mess right now physically and emotionally. But I’m getting better. I’ve been eating good again for the past week now. Again, I started feeling better after I had the interview, was offered the job, and completed my drug test. So I think it was definitely the job hunt. 

Until I start work on the 3rd I’ll just be hanging around, trying to keep my head clear of negative thoughts. 

Wish I was back in Mexico 💚

Day 85-91

I’m slacking. I haven’t been keeping up with this blog but I wanted to update it and hopefully start actually doing it on a daily basis again. 

For the past week I have been applying for jobs and playing video games. I had 2 interviews, have another next week and will hopefully have a job soon. 

Job hunting has been stressing me out. It’s a really frustrating process having to start all over at a new job. I’ve been trying to stay relaxed but my anxiety has just been through the roof. 

I’ve been trying to keep busy but the things that I can do regularly keep getting canceled. My boyfriend plays flag football and they haven’t had enough people to play so the past few weeks they haven’t gone. It was fun going so I’ve been dying to go again but it keeps not working out. All the other stuff I ever wanna do costs money but I don’t mind hanging at home with my boyfriend playing video games or chess or watching tv. I really want to go bowling again soon. We went last week and it was a lot of fun. 

My mood has been relatively ok. I haven’t had any really bad episodes since I’ve been home from vacation. 

Day 83 & 84

I am really struggling right now. I haven’t been able to stop crying all day and I just want to curl up into a ball and sleep forever. I hate these days so much. I feel like a lot of my anxiety right now is being caused from not having a job and not having an income. I can’t pay my bills and one of my credit cards is going to a collection agency now. I don’t even know what to expect with that or how I’m even gonna settle it. I’m struggling so bad financially and it’s stressing me out so bad. My anxiety has already been so bad so this stress on top of it is just so much worse. 

I feel like I just want to die. I hate feeling like this and I don’t see a way out of it besides getting a job and making money again. And I’m trying so hard to get a job. I have applied to so many places and will seriously take the first thing I’m offered. I just need an income again, I need to pay my bills. 

This is one of the hardest days I’ve had in a while. I just want some sort of relief. I need some sort of relief. I’m not a religious person but God please just help me, I’m begging you. 

Day 69-82

So I definitely didn’t write a blog each day like I said I would. Any time I had down time I was dead tired and didn’t even think about writing. Just sleep. 

Day 69 was the day before the cruise. At this point I can’t even really remember what we did. I think my boyfriend and I went to the  Florida Keys this day for the majority of the day. We wanted to check it out and attempt to go snorkeling and hammock up. 

Unfortunately the water was really murky that day and we couldn’t test out our snorkel masks. The beach we went to was kind of dirty, in a natural way though. Just wasn’t that perfect white sandy beach I expected, but was still beautiful. We found a place to hammock up, which is extremely difficult on the beaches on the east coast of Florida and in the keys where we went. There are NO TREES! I don’t know how people survive without them bad boys shading everything, especially in that Florida sun. 

There was another place in the keys we went that was a little more private because it was right next to private property. It was a dead end that lead to someone’s private beach and mansion. There were no signs in the loop around indicating we couldn’t be there so we stayed. There was no beach where we were but there were reef rocks all over the place and my boyfriend started picking up all the snails and telling me all about everything. He loves the water. 

That night we had to prep for boarding the ship. We just made sure all of our stuff was ready to go and that everyone knew the plan for the next day. 

Day 70 was cruise day! My boyfriend had to drive the first car load of people and luggage to the cruise port. A 20 minute drive (40 total) turned into a 40 minute drive (80 total) because of that wonderful Miami traffic. When my boyfriend was driving the first load I hung out with his parents in the hotel. Me and his mom talked a lot and his dad just sat there ignoring us like men usually do when women get together haha. When we heard from my boyfriend, we headed down to the lobby with our luggage. Everything was great, we were about to be on a cruise to Mexico. 

When my boyfriend made it back to the hotel something was wrong. He was being completely rude to everyone and didn’t even look me in the eye once. Didn’t say a word to me. Instant bad mood. I hate when he gets in shitty moods because of traffic and I can’t do anything about it unless I’m in the car with him when it happens. I tried to not let it bother me but when you see your boyfriend you usually get a hello or a hug not a cold shoulder. The whole way to the cruise port I was pissed off. I really tried not to let his mood affect mine but I didn’t really succeed. 

I knew t wasn’t the time or place to talk to him about it with his parents in the car so I waited until we boarded the ship. 

The boarding process was a lot smoother than I remember it being. We got there kind of late so the main crowd was gone but it was still decently packed. When we got to our room I told him about how his attitude towards me made me feel and we both broke down. We both had been so stressed out, him especially, with making this vacation work. I think we both really needed that break down. 

For the rest of the evening we hung out until going to bed. I wanted to take a nap all day long but couldn’t, so I slept hard the first night. 

Day 71 – first day at sea!

Today we were at sea. The ship we went on, empress of the seas, didn’t have much to offer to people like my boyfriend and I. The ship’s activities overall favored drunks and teens. Our days at sea were spent eating food, taking naps, and hot tubbing. We went to the casino as well on those days. Today was actually my boyfriends birthday. I wanted to make sure he did everything he wanted to do. It was a great day for sure. 

Day 72- Cozumel, Mexico! I can’t believe we went to Mexico! My boyfriend and I got up and off the ship decently early. We walked from the port to an opening to the coast off the side of a very populated beach. When we got there we saw in the distance the cruise ship’s snorkeling excursion. We ended up snorkeling in the same spot for free!! It was absolutely beautiful. I have never snorkeled before and was just completely blown away by the life under the water. You don’t really realize it’s there until you see it. After snorkeling we headed back to the ship. I finally got a nap in and we ended up missing bingo but it was a well needed nap. 

Day 73 – Belize City, Belize. The majority of our day in Belize was actually spent on the boat. We went off the ship for maybe an hour, Belize is not a place I wanna be. There’s pretty much just one relatively small strip of shops. Along those shops are several signs indicating a security level, luckily it was at 1 in most places, 2 in one place…not even sure what they mean. And behind those shops were fences and barriers spiked with barbed wire. We bought a cutting board and got the fuck back on the ship. 

Day 74 – Costa Maya, Mexico. Back to Mexico! Costa Maya was just as beautiful as Cozumel, but the water was too choppy to snorkel. The current pushed and pulled too much. My boyfriend and I spent the day on the beach. It was amazing! 

Day 75 & 76 – our last day was at sea. On Friday morning we got off the ship and had to grab everyone’s luggage before heading to our next destination. We found a nice rest stop that night not too far from Cocoa Beach, which is where we spent Saturday. 

Day 77 – Cocoa Beach, Florida. Like to drink? Like to be surrounded by a bunch of annoyed people who can’t escape the sun? Come to Cocoa Beach!! I’m sorry if anyone who reads this lives there, it’s just not the place for me. My boyfriend and I spent the day playing chess on the beach and trying to escape the sun. We stopped at Cocoa Beach Pier, which was by far the most upsetting pier ive ever been on. When I walk on a pier I want to walk down a long open path into the middle of a body of water. I want to look to my left and see water, not shops. I want to look to my right and see more water, not a bar. 

That night we had the Dirty Heads concert, which was amazing and terrible all in one. Amazing because Ballyhoo and Dirty Heads put on a damn good show, but holy crap. THE SOUND WAS HORRENDOUS. Alan Shepard Park in Cocoa Beach has the crappiest sound system I’ve ever heard. I will never go see a show there again. I will definitely see Ballyhoo and Dirty Heads again though! 

After the show we drove about an hour north then went to bed. We got up early on Sunday and started our journey home. My boyfriend wasn’t feeling good so I took the first shift of driving. I got us to North Carolina, my boyfriend brought us to Virginia I think and we split the rest of the way home. This was my first road trip where I was actually a part of the driving. The only other road trip I’ve been on was almost 10 years ago so I don’t even like counting it. I did a lot better at driving than I thought I would, and it was a lot of fun hanging out with my boyfriend. 

During our vacation my boyfriend and I both had moments where we were paranoid or depressed or anxious. Some were a lot worse than the others, but we got through it all. It was really hard on both of us and I think it almost opened our eyes even more to the things we need to work on as individuals and as a couple. I have never wanted to try with someone so much in my life. I love this man to pieces and I’m so lucky to have him. He really keeps me together and I know I help him too. 

Since vacation has been over I’ve been applying to jobs. I’m hoping to get something soon, anything. I need money bad, I have bills coming up and I really don’t want to ask people for money. I hate borrowing money and the amount I need to borrow is honestly just embarrassing. I made some bad choices over the past few months of not having a job and it’s catching up to me and I’m starting to regret that decision but at the time I didn’t know what else to do. Hopefully I can get money rolling in soon. I just want to pay off all my debt, start putting money away every time I get paid. Being forced to spend my money on things that are necessities rather than wants is going to help me for sure. 

So I’ll probably just keep applying until I get something and slowly just start building myself up again. I’m feeling good, feeling motivated. It feels so good to feel this way. 

Day 68

I keep forgetting to write at the end of every day so it’s the morning of day 69. 

Yesterday we finished driving down to Miami. We are hanging out here until we leave for the cruise on Friday. We got to Miami around 7pm and went swimming at the hotel immediately. We had to test out our new snorkel gear which we will hopefully get to use for real today. 

So far it’s been amazing and it’s only the morning of the 3rd day 😍🙌🏻.