Day 32 & 33

Yesterday I started the day in kind of a shitty mood. I don’t know why things were bothering me so much. My mood did turn around for the rest of the day though. 

My boyfriend and I watched the Dolphins get their asses kicked. We had dinner with his parents and watched Suicide Squad. We got an Amazon Fire Stick for Christmas and it has been our go to for watching tv and movies. Bye bye Netflix and cable! Amazon is the shit 🙌🏻. 

After the movie we ended up hanging out for a bit and falling asleep pretty early. I unfortunately woke up in the middle of the night and my arm was just in so much pain. It happened the night before to my right arm, and last night to my left arm. It only just started feeling better now, at 4:59 pm. 

I’m not sure what’s going on but it happened the exact same way to my right and left arm. My wrist swelled up a little bit and was itchy too. 

I keep getting little break outs of bumps that itch too. They go away after a little bit but I don’t know what it is. I don’t have any known allergies or anything. My lip randomly got swollen on one half yesterday too. 

It’s been weird! 

Today my boyfriend and I just chilled all day. We have been talking about the cruise plans a little bit and I’m getting super excited. It’s going to be the best vacation I’ve ever been on! 

We are going to get wings tonight and probably just chill out and smoke ourselves into a coma ✌🏻💚. 

Relaxing nights are the best. 


Day 31

Today was an ok day. 

This morning I had to run to the bank to pay my boyfriends car loan. I’m not paying for his car, he was just working all day and couldn’t make it to the bank before they closed. I didn’t mind doing the favor since it got me motivated to get out of the house. 

When I got back home I just relaxed and watched YouTube videos. I watch a lot of make up tutorials, Roman Atwood, and Guy Tang. Youtube actually brings me to a happy place, especially the vlogs that Roman Atwood makes with his family. I ended up getting a little sleepy and tried to doze off but was in and out of sleep. 

I spent my boyfriends lunch with him and when he left I cleaned my make up brushes. There is so many that it actually took over an hour. By the time I was done with that I wanted to head out to Durand to take some pictures.

When I was getting ready to head out, I had a sudden panic attack/break down. I have absolutely no reason why. I feel like it’s the universe being an asshole and making sure I don’t forget that I’m actually miserable. That this happiness that I’ve felt is temporary. I hate this feeling and I can’t stop it. 

I managed to calm myself down but all I wanted to do was go to bed. I told my boyfriend earlier that I was going to go somewhere nice for the sunset of the skies cleared, which they did. I didn’t want this mental illness to control my life anymore so I managed to suck it up and put my shoes on (I had everything else all ready to go before having the attack), and I left. I think it was a little easier because I had started my car before getting ready because it’s so damn cold here. So either way I had to go out to my car. I’m really glad I went. 

I think a part of my little panic was because I was thinking about finances. I’m really broke right now. Like zero dollars broke. I’m trying to sell things because I really don’t feel ready to go back to work. I really just need to heal myself before I start the everyday stresses that comes with a full time job. But I really need money. I don’t want to lose my car. My boyfriend has offered to pay my car for January. He owes me money for the cruise so he has been paying me back by helping me out financially over these past few months, and I can’t even begin to tell him how much I appreciate it. I know he owes me but I gave him no deadline and he has his own payments to worry about so I just really appreciate it. I was talking to my sister about everything because she asked me when I think I’ll start working again. She started asking me weird questions like how much it is and when it’s due. Then she offered to pay it for February. I literally started crying immediately. She gets so taken advantage of financially by other members of my family and I hate it and I try so hard to teach her how to tell people no. Then she goes and offers me a few hundred dollars to cover my car loan for a month. I told her that I won’t take anything from her unless I absolutely need it and I told her I will pay her back as soon as I get a job. I am gonna try my best to see if I can sell enough stuff to make the payment. I just have the best family and the best boyfriend. 

Now I’m just relaxing for the rest of the night. My boyfriend has off the next two days so it should be pretty good 🙂. 

Durand Beach 🙃

Day 30

Today was a very laid back day. 

I went to my moms house in the morning but no one was around so I ended up leaving. I went back home and put on my favorite movie, Gattaca. 

When my boyfriend got home we made some lunch and just hung out. We were going to go for a hike but it was freezing and we both were kinda tired. 

We got dinner with his parents and relaxed for the night. 

I wish every day could be like today. Overall I felt actually happy. There was a point when I started to get a little upset but it didn’t turn into anything. 

Hopefully tomorrow is just as easy. 

Day 28/29

Yesterday and today were decent days. 

The past week or so has sort of been a wake up call. I have been in a very bad place this week. Some things happened that I would rather not write about but I wanted to reflect on what the outcome of those situations were. 

Like I said, it’s been a bad week. My boyfriends mom has actually gone through exactly what I’m going through. She also has a similar background relating to the “trauma” we both have faced. So she just really understands. I’m not saying other people I talk to don’t understand, but they don’t fully get it. They don’t know what it’s like to have had an abusive father, to know their rapist is still running around the streets probably ruining other girls’ lives too. They don’t know what it’s like to actually want to die, even when you are completely content with life. They don’t know that trusting people is nearly impossible for me. They don’t know that my brain messes with me so bad that I create giant problems out of tiny little things that wouldn’t normally matter on a good day. But my boyfriends mom has been through it, she knows almost exactly how I feel. 

I talked to her about everything after a really bad night/freak out/panic attack/suicidal feeling and it made me feel better practically instantly. Just talking to someone who has been through the same thing and truly understands, and someone who is now better really gave me hope. It lifted my spirits up so high that I actually feel better. I feel like it’s just not going to be bad anymore. I feel like I will be able to handle any situations way better. Obviously I can’t predict the future so I have no idea if I’m suddenly “better”, but I feel pretty amazing right now. 

I called my doctor today and made an appointment to talk to him about everything that’s been going on. Last time I mentioned it I didn’t necessarily tell how bad it actually was. I need to actually tell him what’s going on so he can actually help me. 

I don’t know if I want to do therapy honestly. I really just feel like if I open up to people around me more it will help me just as good as a therapist would. And for free and waaaaaaay less nerve racking. I will see what my doctor thinks. Maybe he will just prescribe a pill. 

I also took a St. John’s Wort pill. It’s just a natural mood enhancer herb. I don’t know if it worked because I think I threw it up before it got into my system. The pill didn’t make me throw up, so I’m considering trying it again if I wake up one morning feeling like it’s going to be a bad day. 

But the past 2 days have been pretty good. Things are looking up so I’m going to try to enjoy this wave of happiness. I think the majority of January and February I am going to be very happy. I am going on vacation in February, so I’m gonna be happy for like 2 weeks while cruising to Mexico while everyone back in Rochester freezes. I hope there’s a blizzard when we are gone 😂. But not really, because I hate when my mom has to shovel the driveway 😳. 

This month I am going to start tanning too. I hate tanning, it’s scary. I’m putting myself at such a risk for skin cancer and I actually have a spot that I would like to get checked out for cancer. But I’m a young dumb girl who is going on vacation next month. I am a very very pasty person. My winter skin tone is so sickly and ghostly white. So I will FRY in Mexico! I have to start tanning a month before to gradually build a tan instead of burning myself. I just don’t want to burn. But anyway, tanning always makes me happy. Being in a warm cozy little enclosed bed and coming out gorgeous is the best feeling ever. I really love tanning because I have freckles scattered across the bridge of my nose and my cheeks and the tops of my shoulders. When I tan they really pop and I love it!! I just think it’s so cute, call me cocky. 

So I’ll be tanning until vacation then having a blast for 2 weeks with my amazing boyfriend, his cool best friend, and his awesome family! I’m so excited to be surrounded by such a great group of people for a nice long vacation. 

After vacation, it’s serious job hunting time. I am broke. I am really broke. I am depending on my tax return to get myself back on my feet and find a job. 

I am going to give a local bus garage a call about being a school bus driver. It’s part time, it’s pretty laid back and easy, I’d be keeping kids safe, doing something a little more meaningful, and the pay is really good. They also pay you during training in which they provide you with what you need to get your CDL, for free! 

My boyfriend and I would like to have a job driving a truck so already having my CDL would be amazing. 

There is just a lot of stuff going on that seems so good. 

Niagara Falls walk on New Years Day. 💚

Day 27

Today I felt more physically ill than mentally. I think it’s because last night was so bad. 

I felt extremely suicidal last night, and just really alone. I don’t want to go through that again. That was the worst it’s ever been. I was actually scared that I was going to go through with killing myself. 

I hate this so much. 

Today was a little less mentally draining but I’ve been tired and down all day. Now I can’t fall asleep. I’ve hated my brain and my body so much this past week or so. 

I just want this to be over. 

Day 26

Today wasn’t the greatest day. 

Last night things kind of blew up between my boyfriend and I and I almost broke up with him. I just hate when people deny things that are so blatantly true. Now today I can tell he’s been trying to make me feel better about it but it’s not comforting, it’s annoying. And it just proves my point from yesterday. 

I’ve been in an off mood all day and ended up taking a nap because I only got like 2 hours of sleep last night. I didn’t want to wake up from that nap and I really just want to go back to bed. 

I need to eat something then I’ll probably go back to sleep. I hope I feel better tomorrow. I’m getting really scared. 

Day 25

My boyfriend and I headed out to Buffalo this morning. We went for a walk around Niagara and too some pictures. When we got back to the hotel we hung out in the pool and hot tub and went to gamble for a bit. 

My mood has been decent all day until a few hours ago. I just hate my brain. I twist things and I know I do but I still get upset by them even know I’m fully aware I’m just being a baby about it. 

Anyway, my boyfriend tends to check out other women…a lot. And I don’t normally care but he lingers a little too long, every time. It makes me feel like shit, ugly, unwanted, unneeded, boring, etc. As pissed as I am, I don’t want to say anything because I feel like it’s not a big deal and I’m overreacting. I don’t know what to do. It just happens so frequently. It really destroys my self esteem. 

I just want to go home.