Day 26

Today wasn’t the greatest day. 

Last night things kind of blew up between my boyfriend and I and I almost broke up with him. I just hate when people deny things that are so blatantly true. Now today I can tell he’s been trying to make me feel better about it but it’s not comforting, it’s annoying. And it just proves my point from yesterday. 

I’ve been in an off mood all day and ended up taking a nap because I only got like 2 hours of sleep last night. I didn’t want to wake up from that nap and I really just want to go back to bed. 

I need to eat something then I’ll probably go back to sleep. I hope I feel better tomorrow. I’m getting really scared. 


Day 25

My boyfriend and I headed out to Buffalo this morning. We went for a walk around Niagara and too some pictures. When we got back to the hotel we hung out in the pool and hot tub and went to gamble for a bit. 

My mood has been decent all day until a few hours ago. I just hate my brain. I twist things and I know I do but I still get upset by them even know I’m fully aware I’m just being a baby about it. 

Anyway, my boyfriend tends to check out other women…a lot. And I don’t normally care but he lingers a little too long, every time. It makes me feel like shit, ugly, unwanted, unneeded, boring, etc. As pissed as I am, I don’t want to say anything because I feel like it’s not a big deal and I’m overreacting. I don’t know what to do. It just happens so frequently. It really destroys my self esteem. 

I just want to go home. 

Day 24

The rest of yesterday ended up being really good. My boyfriend and I just got to spend some time together. We have the house to ourselves this weekend. 

Today was a really good day too. Again, my boyfriend and I just hung out all day. It was very relaxing. It was New Year’s Eve so we went out to dinner. After we took a nap and woke up just in time for our New Years kiss. 

Tomorrow we plan on going out to Buffalo for some fun. I’m super excited! 

Here’s to a good New Year. 

Day 23

This morning I went to my moms house again. My sister and I had a good conversation/crying session. When I went back home, I was really depressed. I have been all day. 

I just want to feel better. 

I did my make up which always brightens my mood but I was still down. When my boyfriend got home all I want to do was be in his arms and cry. That’s all I ever want to do these days. 

I just want to go to bed. 

Day 22

Today I got up really early again. I am starting to not mind it. I used to get up early every morning and my days seemed to be much happier then, so I don’t mind turning into a morning person again. 

My boyfriend and I just hung out this morning before he had to go to work. I went to my moms house when he went to work. I met him back home for lunch and have just been in bed since then. I don’t really feel the greatest physically. I hope I’m not catching anything that’s been going around. 

I’ve been trying to keep my head up throughout the day by thinking about things I have to look forward to. I just need to keep my head up. 

I’m going to try and get out and actually do something tomorrow. It’s been a lazy week. 

Day 21

This morning was pretty rough. I woke up in an off mood because last night my boyfriend “accidentally” lied straight to my face. I’m not going to go into detail but he forgets things a lot and it ends up turning him into a liar. It’s not something I can get used to, it’s something he needs to fix. 

I was in an off mood all morning, some things I saw on Facebook, including a comment from my brother, kept upsetting me even more. Eventually I calmed down. 

My boyfriend had to go to work so I went to my moms house for a bit. Whenever I want to stay distracted I’ll go to her house. Unfortunately no one was around so I drove back home and took a nap til around 3. 

When I woke up, my boyfriend was home from work and we just hung out for the rest of the night. I’ve been depressed all day but it’s not that bad. Sometimes I just can’t shake the feeling. I’m going to keep working on changing things in my living environment to hopefully promote a healthier brain. One of those things will be getting rid of/limiting my social media use. 

I’m going on a cruise in less than 2 months. I’m not going to have phone service for at least a week but probably longer, so it will be a good way to stop using those platforms. I’m going to delete all the apps from my phone before vacation, and I’m not going to re download. After my vacation I’ll decide whether I want to delete the accounts completely or start using them only when I have some down time at home. I don’t want to be glued to my phone anymore. 

I’m hoping tomorrow is a better day. Trying to keep my head up, but it’s so hard to do sometimes. 

Day 20

This morning I went shopping with my mom. It was nice to hang out with her alone. Having 9 siblings can be obnoxious sometimes. 

When I got home, my boyfriend and I just hung out and played video games. He read the last blog and we talked about the whole situation with Christmas night again. He thinks I don’t like his friends. Sometimes I don’t, but sometimes I don’t like a lot of people I love, including himself. It’s not that I hate them, or view them any less than others. I love his friends, they’re absolutely one of the most loyal group of people and I know he’s in good hands with them. However, they’re the most irresponsible group of people I’ve ever met. 

I asked him what he’d say if I asked him to stop reading my blogs. It’s not like I’m hiding anything, this is one public diary, but this is a diary and I’m going to speak my mind. I just don’t want to hurt him. 

Honestly, I want him to forget about it. He forgets a lot of things, so maybe he could forget to check up on the blog. He’s forgotten a couple times but goes back and reads them. I don’t know…I just don’t want to hurt his feelings. I don’t want him to take what I wrote the wrong way either. 

He went back to work. Will actually be home soon. I’ve just been laying in bed depressed since he left. I wasn’t even depressed at first. I like to lay in bed and watch tv or YouTube videos and was just doing that. But someone that lead to another thing and I ended up just thinking about things and getting depressed. I don’t get it. I was perfectly fine. Maybe not perfectly fine at all, because when I felt fine I felt like I wanted to kill myself. I usually only want to kill myself when I feel okay. That’s kind of scary…but I just think on all the things that are going on and all my bills that are coming up and I just get stressed out and think that death is the best way out. Things would be so much better if I were just dead. 

Of course, I’m being selfish. It’s selfish of me to think that killing myself would be best, when it would be worst for most others in my life. Honestly, I think I want to be selfish. 

So here I am, laying in a room with the blinds closed and the lights off. This seems to be a common scene for me when I’m depressed. The literal darkness is almost comforting, unlike the darkness in my head. But I should open the blinds. 

I don’t know what I want from life anymore. I feel like I’ve found myself over the past few months and it’s not necessarily what I wanted to find. I want to be happy and be able to live the life that I can envision in my future but there is always a part of my brain that thinks it would be better if all that never happened and if I just stopped breathing, that would be true peace. That’s how I feel on a daily basis. I have so much to look forward to, so much love and happiness and adventure and experiences to live through and memories to make, but I’d much rather curl up in a ball and close my eyes and just never open them again. 

Thoughts of suicide upsets me, not because I don’t want to kill myself or be dead, but because I know it will hurt 2 people in my life. My mother and my boyfriend. I don’t necessarily care what my friends or the rest of my family or strangers think on the topic, but my mom and my boyfriend would be devasted (I hope 😂). I love them both so much and I hate seeing them hurt. I don’t know what happens after you die, but what if I stay on this earth and I’m actually haunted by the pain that I brought them. Or maybe, like the atheist I am, I could just believe that nothing happens when you die and I will suffer no consequences if I succeed at killing myself. I will suffer no consequences. Selfish. 

Still, at this point in time, I don’t know if I’d actually ever act on these thoughts. I’m a very strong person, but I think when it comes to harming myself in any way, I’m weak. Probably shouldn’t let that let my guard down. 

I’m going to try to take a nap now. I’ll eat dinner when I wake up and hopefully just have a relaxed evening. If anything crazy happens, I’ll update this blog. 

Goodnight world, here’s to a better tomorrow. 

I deleted most of the pics off my phone so here is a side view mirror sunset