Step One…and a half

I just finished my first therapy appointment about an hour ago. I feel better now that it’s done and over with. I felt so nervous about it before going in and felt like I was going to throw up in the waiting room. I knew I was going to feel bad about it but I didn’t think it would be as bad as it was.

Once I was in the room with the therapist I felt more comfortable. I didn’t hold back, just let stuff start pouring out. She asked me a lot of questions because it was the evaluation and we ended up scheduling s second and third appointment over the next couple weeks. As difficult as it was talking, I felt like she was understand what I was saying and she seems like she is going to be able to at least get me going in the right direction.

She told me I should see my primary doctor about getting some blood work done and a general check up to make sure that it isn’t a hormone imbalance or anything like that. She also said I can talk to him about going on medication for depression and anxiety, if that is something I wanted to do. I’m going to call my doctor and schedule an appointment to get all that taken care of. In all honesty, I kind of want it to be a hormonal imbalance because medicine would fix that. I just feel like having a physical problem would be much easier to deal with than having it be a legitimate mental problem. I don’t really know how any of it works though, so I guess I should be careful what I wish for.

I feel better about the whole situation now that it’s been a little bit after the appointment and I’ve kind of settled down. I was a crying mess at the appointment and it just wasn’t fun, but I feel like it did actually already start to help.

I think it was actually easier to talk to her about what’s been going on because there isn’t going to be that biased opinion that I would get from people who know me personally. I think a huge part of not wanting to talk to people about this is because I would be receiving their opinion rather than advice or just a shoulder to cry on.

We’ll see what my next appointment brings and what some blood work uncovers.

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Step One

Tomorrow is my first therapy appointment. I’m not sure what to expect, I’m not even sure what’s going to happen because it’s an evaluation. I’m a little nervous and I don’t want to do it.

I went out to my moms house for a little bit this morning. I talked to her about the appointment and she offered to go with me but I’m going to go alone. I told her I have a hard time doing this stuff with Joe, so I’m not sure how I’m going to do it with anyone else. I don’t like talking about my feelings, I never have, but maybe that’s the issue.

I’ve had a great lack of motivation over the past couple weeks and it’s starting to really get to me. I can’t figure out how to get myself out of this slump. I’m able to keep myself distracted throughout the day but as soon as I settle in with my boyfriend and the end of the day I start piling on the unnecessary thoughts of who knows what and it throws my anxiety and depression through the roof. Lately it’s been bouts of depression towards the end of the day and anxiety in the morning about the day. It’s annoying, frustrating, and honestly just really confusing.

I was able to get out of the house today though. I know the weather lately hasn’t been helping my situation at all. I know the weather has a direct affect on my mood, and I definitely have some type of seasonal depression. I can’t wait until I’m able to move to a sunnier place. I know it’s going to benefit my mental state just as much as my physical state once I’m out and about regularly. Beedle and I were able to go for a nice walk today, and it’s finally supposed to warm up next week.

Beedle in Parma Park 4/17/18

Joe and I are planning a mini camping trip this weekend. I’m very excited! We are going to try to go to the Watkins Glen area, hike through there with Beedle all weekend and visit our favorite restaurant out there, Seneca Farms! They have outdoor seating areas and are officially open for the 2018 season so I’m super excited to bring Beedle. That day we will probably give him more people food than he should have and he’s definitely going to get an ice cream cone!

I’m so excited for the summer. If I’m being honest, I don’t usually look forward to it. No matter how much I love summer, I’m never satisfied with how I spend it. We only get a few months of warm weather, and I’m sick of wasting it. I think having Beedle is really going to motivate us to actually live through the summer than we want. Not only is having Beedle going to help, but having the van is going to help! We are already planning our first trip for this weekend, and it’s still winter in NY. I don’t care if it’s actually spring, there is still snow in our forecast! It’s winter! WE DON’T MAKE PLANS IN WINTER! We literally do nothing all winter long unless we plan a vacation to someplace warm, which we didn’t get to do this winter. So the fact that we have a camping trip planned out for this weekend, and it’s going to SNOW today, it’s awesome. The van is a huge motivation to get off our asses as go explore NYS.

I guess this week is my first step into actually getting better. I’ve spent the last year struggling with this openly, and the last 10 years or so before that struggling with it privately. I’m sick of it controlling my life. I don’t want to not do something because I’m depressed or anxious about it. I have missed little things here and there because of it, and I’m not trying to have it make me miss something much bigger, something more important that I’ll actually regret missing. I don’t want it getting to that point. I won’t let it get to that point.

Don’t Let Your Fears Decide Your Fate

Today I made a great effort to get an appointment with a therapist. An appointment isn’t made, but the effort was.

It’s discouraging to seek help and not get it. I called several therapist offices in my area today. One of them couldn’t get me in until June, and I don’t know if I’d make it that long. Another place had silly requirements that I had to do, which I did do, before they’ll book at appointment. I’m waiting for them to reach out to me at this point. And another place my boyfriend called for me and left a message.

That’s what happened when I tried to seek help.

A while back I had been very suicidal and decided to contact the suicide hotline. I was afraid for my life, I was scaring myself and I truly felt like I was a threat to myself. Instead of acting on my suicidal thoughts, I seeked out help and I got nothing in return. The person on the other line just repeated everything I told them back to me. That’s all they did. “I’m sad” “Oh, you’re sad?” “Yeah, this is happening in my life and causing these feelings” “Oh, so this is happening and causing these feelings?”

This is how the conversation went, and this is what I’m afraid of for therapy. I don’t know who they hire at the suicide hotline, but let me tell you, that person wasn’t helping anyone. I attempted suicide that night.

This is why I’m afraid to go to a therapist. I’m afraid I’m going to pay a ridiculous amount of money to go talk to someone who isn’t going to be able to do anything for me other than repeat back whatever it was that I just told them. I need someone who is going to listen to me, actually hear and understand what I’m saying, and offer legitimate advice, assistance, medication, refer me to a specialist, whatever it may be, but I don’t need someone to tell me what I’ve just told them.

Having responsibilities in situations like this is the absolute worst. I am in a position right now where I barely have the strength to keep going and I have all these responsibilities, like my job and my dog. I called out of work 3 times this week, which now I want to get a doctors note for but I can’t get an appointment made! Anxiety caused me to call out of work 3 times this week, which is now going to make me more anxious going back because of the consequences. I’m willing to face the consequences, but the issue is my issue isn’t resolved. I don’t want to have to call out again, I’m going to lose my job. So now I’m limited to weekends, which a lot of therapist/doctors offices aren’t even open except for emergency services.

As for my dog, I feel terrible for him. Poor thing has had the laziest last 3 days because mom is mentally ill and can’t do anything. We went on a nice trip to the park the first day, but yesterday and today have been shitty days for the weather outside and in my mind. I just can’t bring myself to leave the house. But I’m very lucky, he is the absolute best dog in the world. He has been by my side and comforting me for the last 3 days like the little therapy dog we needed.

My boyfriend actually just called me as I’m writing this and told me the psychiatrist he called doesn’t take my insurance and costs $85 a session. $85 a session and you don’t take my insurance? No thank you. I don’t need more anxiety because I can’t afford therapy!

This has been such a discouraging day. I don’t even know what to do anymore. My job has an employee assistance program which helps with mental health so I think I need to talk to my supervisor about that and see if I can take advantage of that. I know a lot of my anxiety is coming from my job too, which is also something I need to discuss with my supervisor. I’m just worried the conversation will lead me to being let go instead of leading me into a position that will keep my mind at ease. I’m a great asset to the company, I just hope that’s something they’re able to see and work with me instead of against me.

I’m very nervous for tomorrow. It’s going to be a very long, very stressful day. I can only imagine I’m going to be balling my eyes out to my supervisor. I could barely ask to make an appointment for my depression and anxiety because I would start choking on my words. I hate this so much.

Please, just end soon. Please.

That New Year New Me Bullshit

Let’s talk about it!

Honestly, I know it’s dumb. I know that I should be ready to change for the better right now instead of waiting until 2018. But New Years resolutions bring a little hope, so let people have their fun!

I guess you could say that I reached my goal. Go back and read my first blog ever. All I wanted was to be alive on 12/8/17, and clearly I was. But I’m not better, and I’m not even close to better.

Lately I’ve been feeling good, even if I haven’t been showing it. Things have been adding up and it’s been putting a lot of weight on my shoulders but I feel happier. I just need to learn to put everything that’s been going on aside and just never let it show it’s ugly head again.

I guess we should get into what’s been going on. I honestly can’t remember when the last time I wrote was, what it was about, and I didn’t go back and look before starting this. I’m pretty sure I wrote about my brother being a dick. I still want nothing to do with him, but I did see him on Christmas. It was fine but I can’t stand hypocrites. Once a year will be fine though.

My father friend requested me on Facebook. I left it alone for a couple days before declining. I just don’t know. I don’t see a benefit in having contact with him. I don’t see a benefit in him knowing what’s going on in my life. And frankly I don’t give a crap about what’s going on in his. The thing is, every time he talks to me he just wants to talk shit about what happened and about my mom. I don’t want to talk about that. I want to move past that. If you want to better your relationship with your kids, let go of the past and actually be a better father.

I’ve been avoiding the next subject for a while now. I have about 10 drafted blogs that start to talk about this but I haven’t been able to find the words to finish them. Whatever I come up with, I’m going to post.

So Joe and I got a puppy! His name is Beedle and he is about 5.5 months old. He’s a supposed golden retriever/yellow lab mix but we are confident he is something else!

I know I talked about this adoption process in an earlier blog but I can’t remember how in depth. To shorten it up, for October and November we were being lied to constantly while our puppy was being mistreated and on death row. At this point we are not sure if our original puppy is even alive.

I will eventually write up a blog about every single thing that happened, but I can’t right now.

We have our baby Beedle though. He is the smartest and sweetest pup we could’ve possibly asked for. Training him has been really easy. We are going to crack down on training and get him to where he needs to be with obedience and everything.

He has brought so much joy to my life. More than I would have ever thought possible. I am so excited to be his mommy!

This adoption brought a lot of stress to our life. We are slowly recovering, and having him in our life is helping.

We ordered a DNA test off amazon. I can’t wait to get the results! We want to take votes on breeds people think he is. It would be a fun game. We might get the result of mixed breed if he’s too much of a mutt, which he very well could be. We really have no definite on his breed!

Some ideas:

Golden Retriever

Labrador Retriever

Beagle

Bloodhound

Great Dane

Pitbull

Shepherd

Terrier

So who really knows 😂.

All I want out of 2018 is justice for this whole ordeal and I hope I get to share that some day. Hopefully some day soon.

I feel like this is keeping me in a depressive slump. I feel generally happy but can’t shake this feeling and it’s because I can’t stop thinking about this. It’s just weighing heavy on my mind. I want to tell the world everything and I can’t.

I’m enjoying my life currently. I have a good job that is looking like it’s going to go permanent for me if I keep working like I have been. I have the most amazing boyfriend and best friend I could ever ask for. He is so supportive of everything I do and I don’t know where I’d be without him. We started a family with our little buddy Beedle. He is 150% our child and I love him so much! My absolute favorite is morning snuggles on the weekends 🐶🐾 The amount of love in my heart for Joe is overwhelming. I never thought that feeling could double. My heart is just constantly flooded with love for my little family 💏🐶💚 We are doing better financially. The holidays kind of kicked our asses but I’m feeling comfortable with how things have been.

All I can hope for is that this good life transfers over into 2018. I want to continue bettering my life and enjoying it to the fullest. Happy New Year ❤️

On my mind…

There has been something weighing heavy on my mind for the past couple days. At this point I don’t really know how to feel about it, but it’s putting a dark cloud over my head. 

My boyfriend and I have been looking into adopting a dog and actually did, but more about that in another post. While going through the adoption process, the rescue we had chosen wanted 4 letters of recommendation since we didn’t have a vet to get a recommendation from them. So my boyfriend decided to ask 2 people he knew and I asked 2 people I knew. It ended up being 4 people he knew, but in all honesty, his family knows us better than my family so it was probably best that way. 

Anyway, I asked my brother if he would write a letter for us. He proceeded to accuse me of abandoning my cat, and saying I should learn to take care of my cat before trying with a dog. When I told him he should asked what’s going on in his sisters life before accusing her of abandoning her pet, and I explained that Jasper (my cat) is living at my moms house because I’m living in a house with people who are allergic to cats and my boyfriend has been looking into shots and treatments to get rid of his allergies so Jasper can move in with us when we move out. I buy my cat special expensive ass cat food because his urine crystallized and he needs to be on that diet for the rest of his life. I bought him a nice brush and brush him when I visit. I buy him and the other family cats flea treatment. I don’t understand how that is abandonment. If I could bring him into my current home, I would. But I would have to confine him to the musty moldy basement and I am NEVER doing that to any animal. 

Anyway, when I told him all of this he said it’s only a matter of time before I leave my boyfriend for the next guy. Don’t believe me?


Now I am pretty sure I openly admitted what happened between me and ex on my blog. I’m pretty sure NONE of my family ever bothered to ask. My oldest sister was there for me when I was going through it all but at that time I barely even knew what was going on. 

Not a single person in my immediate family had any concern for why I actually ended things. They just assumed what they wanted to. It took months for people to start warming up to my current boyfriend. My mom still seems very fake towards him and I actually want to talk to her about it. My younger siblings and a few older siblings are good to him and treat him like he deserves. But then this happened and it just completely through me off guard. 

Not only was that whole situation almost 2 years ago now, but I thought my family moved past this at least like 6 months ago. At least! 

If my brother gave a shit about his sister he would not have acted that way. He would not have just assumed I’m some whore who’s just dick hopping. He would’ve realized how happy my boyfriend now makes me. How much happier I’ve been since I met him is crazy. He’d realize how good my boyfriend is to me and how terrible my ex was for me. He would realize that he has probably made more mistakes this past year than I have in my lifetime, simply because I learn from my mistakes and he doesn’t. At this point in my life, I don’t have time to try to fix everyone, even if it’s my own brother.

The second I had the ability to cut ties with my father was the second my life got significantly better. I’m not afraid to cut ties with negative people in my life, not even family. Maybe he will learn from this mistake, but now it’s just too late. 

F O C U S E D

Another daily prompt. I actually like these a lot. It gives me something to write about on days like today when my mind is completely blank.

My mind hasn’t been blank in a very long time. It feels pretty damn good to not be thinking about anything (right now). I’m just hanging out at work, listening to a lot of music I haven’t heard in a while. I’m just enjoying myself.

Today’s word of the day is focused, something I feel like I haven’t been in a long time. My mind is always wandering, I’m always thinking about things. To actually have a day where I feel like I can focus on the tasks ahead of me is really amazing. Maybe today will actually be a productive day after work.

Until then, I am stuck in this chair, being unproductive. It’s relatively slow at my job right now because they just hired a shit ton of people for the open enrollment period, so now there are double the people working on the same stuff. Its getting done really quick, so we end up having nothing to do for the rest of the day. Open enrollment will change that, but is still over a month away.

I try to keep myself occupied at work but its hard because they have so many restrictions on what you can and cant do. Honestly, I probably shouldn’t even be on WordPress, but no one has said anything yet so I will keep doing it. It’ll keep me busy, keep me sane, and help the day move along a little faster.

I started reading a series of novels by Ursula K. Le Guin after reading an article about her blog. The person who wrote the article had described her series called the Hainish Cycle, and it completely drew me in. I had to go on Amazon and buy it immediately. I read what I believe to be the first book in the series, but I’m still not entirely sure. It’s  called Rocannon’s World, and it was one of the best books I’ve read in a very long time. If you like science fiction, or just reading in general, I would highly recommend it. It has helped me in my down time at work, and I’m really looking forward to reading the rest and more by Le Guin.

I don’t think there is really anything else I want to talk about right now. I guess I just hope I can start feeling better physically now that my mental state is a little bit more stable than it has been this past week or so. Let me focus on that.

 

via Daily Prompt: Focused

Anxiety Always Wins – Not Anymore

My anxiety has been really bad so I wanted to write in the hopes that I find out why. I’ve been having really bad anxiety due to a few things going on in my life all at once.

My period. My sickness. My asthma.

I have really felt like shit for the past week because of all of these things, and on top of trying to feel physically better, I’m an emotional wreck. It’s lovely.

This morning I woke up feeling okay, but to a coughing fit. I slept in the basement which probably wasn’t the best idea for my lungs, since it’s always humid down there and I’m 99.9% sure there is mold somewhere down there. So I probably didn’t help my situation too much, but it was easier to sleep down in the basement rather than up in the bed. My coughing fit this morning woke up my boyfriend, who hadn’t slept well that night, so that made me feel kind of shitty too. I never thought I’d be the person in the relationship to be the one who always wakes up my significant other, but its been happening a lot lately.

I have been taking all sorts of different medicines, allergy medicine, OTC cold & flu medicines, teas, pills, etc. I’ve tried everything and my cough is FINALLY breaking up after taking Mucinex over the weekend. Mucinex is the only thing that actually seems to be helping so I stopped everything else and am only taking that.

I’ve had to use my inhaler so often during this sickness. The slightest bit of energy exertion completely destroys me when I’m sick because of asthma. A simple walk up stairs takes my breath away almost completely and I have to use my inhaler to keep breathing, or spend the next 10 minutes to an hour catching my breath depending on the severity. The issue with this cold is I am producing a ridiculous amount of mucus and its affecting my asthma way worse. I can’t cough up the mucus just yet so I’ve just been having an overall difficult time to breath, even when my lungs seem to be working properly.

It feels pretty similar to the issue I had last year, when I got sick and actually developed asthma. I haven’t had asthma attacks this bad since that time, so I’m assuming it’s just going to be kinda shitty any time I get sick for the rest of my life. At least with anything respiratory related. I need to go to the doctor to talk about it more and get a regular inhaler instead of the rescue inhaler I’ve been using. What I really need to do it get a new primary doctor so I can actually do all these things I always talk about doing.

It’s a little hard to take time off from work right now because I’m on a 90 day period where I can’t get time off approved, so any absences I have go against my attendance score. Maybe I can find a doctor who is open on Saturdays for regular appointments, but it just seems really unlikely.

Today on my lunch break at work I got a call from my boyfriend. He was really upset and I always feel so bad cause I can’t do anything to comfort him over the phone. All I can do is talk and I’m not really good at that in situations like today. I also don’t feel good myself so it was a little hard to focus on anything anyway, which made everything that much more difficult.

I have felt nauseous today, holding back throwing up several times. My bowels are screaming to me that I’m sick with some sort of stomach bug now. So I went from my period to a cold to a stomach bug, all while dealing with my anxiety and asthma. How am I not dead?

My overall mood has been surprisingly positive. I think it’s because all other aspects of my life right now are going really well. My relationships are all in good standing, my finances are under control, I’m working towards my future, I’m doing amazing at my new job and my supervisors are recognizing that. Life is pretty damn good right now. But I can’t help but get in moods of extreme depression and anxiety, to the point where I can’t stop shaking and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry then die. It keeps happening at random times, at any place. It’s gotten to the point now where I haven’t had an appetite in a few days and want to throw up anything I can choke down. These are always the worst times. I would deal with depression and anxiety every day for the rest of my life if I could just stop losing my appetite because of it. When I lose my appetite and stop eating, it causes a ridiculous amount of other problems for me. Particularly, I can’t poop, I feel like I’m developing a UTI, and I get really really weak to the point where I feel like I’ll pass out if I try to go make myself something to eat. It’s disgusting, its frustrating, and it affects my physical health and mental health.

But that’s whats going on today. I have no appetite, I tried choking down my lunch but only could manage a little less than half of it. I wanted to eat breakfast pizza this morning but I couldn’t bring myself to actually go through with it because every time I thought of it I wanted to throw up. So I had pretzels for breakfast this morning at work and a few spoonfuls of mac n cheese for lunch. I can honestly say I’m making progress when it comes to handling my anxiety, since I am forcing myself to eat today. Normally I would just starve until my appetite came back. I just don’t want to harm myself, I don’t want my anxiety to hurt me anymore, so I’m going to try to choke down dinner later too.

I need to try to keep myself occupied at work. When I have down time and I’m not doing anything I start to think, which leads to overthinking. Anxiety kicks in and all hell breaks loose. I want to stop that from happening.

I hope one day I can actually relax and just rest my brain without it leading to overthinking and anxiety attacks. One day.