That New Year New Me Bullshit

Let’s talk about it!

Honestly, I know it’s dumb. I know that I should be ready to change for the better right now instead of waiting until 2018. But New Years resolutions bring a little hope, so let people have their fun!

I guess you could say that I reached my goal. Go back and read my first blog ever. All I wanted was to be alive on 12/8/17, and clearly I was. But I’m not better, and I’m not even close to better.

Lately I’ve been feeling good, even if I haven’t been showing it. Things have been adding up and it’s been putting a lot of weight on my shoulders but I feel happier. I just need to learn to put everything that’s been going on aside and just never let it show it’s ugly head again.

I guess we should get into what’s been going on. I honestly can’t remember when the last time I wrote was, what it was about, and I didn’t go back and look before starting this. I’m pretty sure I wrote about my brother being a dick. I still want nothing to do with him, but I did see him on Christmas. It was fine but I can’t stand hypocrites. Once a year will be fine though.

My father friend requested me on Facebook. I left it alone for a couple days before declining. I just don’t know. I don’t see a benefit in having contact with him. I don’t see a benefit in him knowing what’s going on in my life. And frankly I don’t give a crap about what’s going on in his. The thing is, every time he talks to me he just wants to talk shit about what happened and about my mom. I don’t want to talk about that. I want to move past that. If you want to better your relationship with your kids, let go of the past and actually be a better father.

I’ve been avoiding the next subject for a while now. I have about 10 drafted blogs that start to talk about this but I haven’t been able to find the words to finish them. Whatever I come up with, I’m going to post.

So Joe and I got a puppy! His name is Beedle and he is about 5.5 months old. He’s a supposed golden retriever/yellow lab mix but we are confident he is something else!

I know I talked about this adoption process in an earlier blog but I can’t remember how in depth. To shorten it up, for October and November we were being lied to constantly while our puppy was being mistreated and on death row. At this point we are not sure if our original puppy is even alive.

I will eventually write up a blog about every single thing that happened, but I can’t right now.

We have our baby Beedle though. He is the smartest and sweetest pup we could’ve possibly asked for. Training him has been really easy. We are going to crack down on training and get him to where he needs to be with obedience and everything.

He has brought so much joy to my life. More than I would have ever thought possible. I am so excited to be his mommy!

This adoption brought a lot of stress to our life. We are slowly recovering, and having him in our life is helping.

We ordered a DNA test off amazon. I can’t wait to get the results! We want to take votes on breeds people think he is. It would be a fun game. We might get the result of mixed breed if he’s too much of a mutt, which he very well could be. We really have no definite on his breed!

Some ideas:

Golden Retriever

Labrador Retriever

Beagle

Bloodhound

Great Dane

Pitbull

Shepherd

Terrier

So who really knows 😂.

All I want out of 2018 is justice for this whole ordeal and I hope I get to share that some day. Hopefully some day soon.

I feel like this is keeping me in a depressive slump. I feel generally happy but can’t shake this feeling and it’s because I can’t stop thinking about this. It’s just weighing heavy on my mind. I want to tell the world everything and I can’t.

I’m enjoying my life currently. I have a good job that is looking like it’s going to go permanent for me if I keep working like I have been. I have the most amazing boyfriend and best friend I could ever ask for. He is so supportive of everything I do and I don’t know where I’d be without him. We started a family with our little buddy Beedle. He is 150% our child and I love him so much! My absolute favorite is morning snuggles on the weekends 🐶🐾 The amount of love in my heart for Joe is overwhelming. I never thought that feeling could double. My heart is just constantly flooded with love for my little family 💏🐶💚 We are doing better financially. The holidays kind of kicked our asses but I’m feeling comfortable with how things have been.

All I can hope for is that this good life transfers over into 2018. I want to continue bettering my life and enjoying it to the fullest. Happy New Year ❤️

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On my mind…

There has been something weighing heavy on my mind for the past couple days. At this point I don’t really know how to feel about it, but it’s putting a dark cloud over my head. 

My boyfriend and I have been looking into adopting a dog and actually did, but more about that in another post. While going through the adoption process, the rescue we had chosen wanted 4 letters of recommendation since we didn’t have a vet to get a recommendation from them. So my boyfriend decided to ask 2 people he knew and I asked 2 people I knew. It ended up being 4 people he knew, but in all honesty, his family knows us better than my family so it was probably best that way. 

Anyway, I asked my brother if he would write a letter for us. He proceeded to accuse me of abandoning my cat, and saying I should learn to take care of my cat before trying with a dog. When I told him he should asked what’s going on in his sisters life before accusing her of abandoning her pet, and I explained that Jasper (my cat) is living at my moms house because I’m living in a house with people who are allergic to cats and my boyfriend has been looking into shots and treatments to get rid of his allergies so Jasper can move in with us when we move out. I buy my cat special expensive ass cat food because his urine crystallized and he needs to be on that diet for the rest of his life. I bought him a nice brush and brush him when I visit. I buy him and the other family cats flea treatment. I don’t understand how that is abandonment. If I could bring him into my current home, I would. But I would have to confine him to the musty moldy basement and I am NEVER doing that to any animal. 

Anyway, when I told him all of this he said it’s only a matter of time before I leave my boyfriend for the next guy. Don’t believe me?


Now I am pretty sure I openly admitted what happened between me and ex on my blog. I’m pretty sure NONE of my family ever bothered to ask. My oldest sister was there for me when I was going through it all but at that time I barely even knew what was going on. 

Not a single person in my immediate family had any concern for why I actually ended things. They just assumed what they wanted to. It took months for people to start warming up to my current boyfriend. My mom still seems very fake towards him and I actually want to talk to her about it. My younger siblings and a few older siblings are good to him and treat him like he deserves. But then this happened and it just completely through me off guard. 

Not only was that whole situation almost 2 years ago now, but I thought my family moved past this at least like 6 months ago. At least! 

If my brother gave a shit about his sister he would not have acted that way. He would not have just assumed I’m some whore who’s just dick hopping. He would’ve realized how happy my boyfriend now makes me. How much happier I’ve been since I met him is crazy. He’d realize how good my boyfriend is to me and how terrible my ex was for me. He would realize that he has probably made more mistakes this past year than I have in my lifetime, simply because I learn from my mistakes and he doesn’t. At this point in my life, I don’t have time to try to fix everyone, even if it’s my own brother.

The second I had the ability to cut ties with my father was the second my life got significantly better. I’m not afraid to cut ties with negative people in my life, not even family. Maybe he will learn from this mistake, but now it’s just too late. 

The Weight of Living

In a few short months it will have been one year since I’ve started this blog. My ultimate goal was to feel better, and I am happy to say that a few short months from my “goal” I am feeling genuinely happy. The thing is, happiness isn’t stopping certain thoughts. 

I think I have always felt emotions a little differently than the people I grew up around. My personality as a whole has been more “down” than most people’s, and its natural for me. I don’t know if anyone could ever understand what I mean by that, but as long as I know that is all that matters.

Growing up I remember very vividly moments where people have acknowledged my personality. They almost always assumed I was depressed or a bitch because I liked to keep to myself, and I still give off the same impressions today. The only difference today is, I am depressed. I might be a bitch, but I am definitely depressed.

Why? Why did I develop depression? Maybe it’s genetics. Maybe not. I don’t know, and I probably never will.

I’d like to believe that my depression and anxiety both stem from genetics, that way I have someone to blame, mom and dad! But putting the blame on someone else is never a way to solve your problems, so I won’t do that (even if it is one day proven that it is 100% genetics).

Most days I think that I am too smart for my own good. My brain knows about the bad in the world, and simply doesn’t think life is worth living in this world. Maybe I think too much about the things that might not even matter, but those things weigh heavy on my brain and my heart and give me those suicidal thoughts.

Now these things that I keep mentioning vary. I know that some of them are actual real life issues that are affecting the human race and this planet as a whole, and others are as simple as people not following the rules of the road when I’m driving home from work. Whether its big or small doesn’t matter, they all weigh the same on me. Heavy. As. Fuck.

So just imagine EVERY SINGLE ISSUE in the world, big and small. That is the weight on my shoulders. That is the weight I just can’t shake, no matter what I do. It holds me back in my day-to-day life and it is holding me back from a good future. I can’t stop thinking about these issues, about the actions of others, about the straight stupidity of others that is destroying this world. It pisses me off to no end. I wish I could vent about these things to someone, I wish I could vent about these things to the people who are doing them. I wish I could educate every single person on this planet who is doing something that is causing more harm than good, or is GOING to cause more harm than good. I wish I could say all of these things, but without sounding like I’m full of myself, or a know-it-all. I wish I could say these things without making people feel stupid, without sounding conceded or like I think I’m better than anyone else. Because I really don’t feel that way, I understand that I make mistakes all the time. I do bad things, I will own up to anything that I do. I just see people going about their daily lives in a fashion that I just see as so wrong, and I know that I can’t change people like that, but it would be so nice if I could. At least on the things that put my life and other’s at risk.

Maybe I will start a new blog strictly venting about these things that I think about. Maybe that will help me.

Anyway, I feel like I went off about the weight on my shoulders. Back to the rest of this blog…

When I was growing up people would assume I was depressed. My brother’s (now ex) girlfriend even asked my other siblings if I was depressed. All because I liked to keep to myself. So, I guess what I’m getting at is that depression doesn’t give a fuck what your personality is like. I don’t think that if I was a more “bubbly” person that I wouldn’t be depressed. I don’t think people should assume that a smile on the outside means a smile on the inside, because it really doesn’t. People may be able to “see” my depression (or so they think, because back then I actually wasn’t depressed), but they can’t see it all. I know tons of people who are the happiest people you’ll ever meet, and they suffer every day with this. Even when I feel happy, it’s still there. In the back of my head, I’m still thinking that I’d rather be dead.

So, I’d rather be dead. Let’s talk about that.

It’s never like a “I’m going to kill myself right now” type of deal. It is just a thought that stays on my mind until I start thinking of ways to actually do it. Luckily, depression hasn’t completely taken over, and I can usually get those feelings to subside for a little bit. But I think about it a lot, almost every day of my life. Yeah, almost every day of my life I think to myself that I’d rather be dead.

I could be at work. Rather be dead.

Visiting my mom. Rather be dead.

Playing with my nieces and nephews. Rather be dead.

Loving my boyfriend. Rather be dead.

Snuggling my cat. Rather be dead.

Playing video games. Rather be dead.

Stargazing. Rather be dead.

I truly would rather be dead. I have never just completely come to terms with that until now. Until writing this particular blog and actually typing that out over and over again, it put me in a position just now where I am okay with having those thoughts. I don’t know if they will ever go away, but for now they’re there. 

I am and will continue to do everything in my power to never act on this feeling. But it’s definitely there, and I don’t want to pretend like it isn’t. 

Day 9

Today was a good day overall but I couldn’t shake the clouds. I think yesterday kind of messed me up and I’m just kind of trying to pull myself together. 

I just felt so depressed today and nothing could get my mind off it. I went to visit my mom and ended up getting stuck in the driveway. I had to shovel my way out and had an asthma attack and couldn’t finish. When I got home, I made my boyfriend lunch and went to his work office. He ended up telling me his schedule changed so I wasted 40 minutes of driving. We ended up going home. And I did so much driving today and I have a tiny ass car that can’t handle the New York snow. Everything just felt like it was going bad. It demotivated me from doing anything I wanted to do today. 

On the bright side, this morning I did get out for a nice walk through the snow at a local park. I love this time of year. ​​