Facebook was actually beneficial…

Today is my day off so I’m getting some stuff done. Applying for jobs, cleaning the house, and continuing to downsize to get ready for tiny house living. 

I love when I feel productive on my days off. Depression and anxiety are literally crippling, so to not have it affecting me for once is always nice. I’m trying hard to not let it control my life but damn it’s hard. 

I had a little moment last night where I feel like I understand why my anxiety and depression have gotten so bad over the last year or so. It’s because my life got good. Doesn’t make much sense, right? Wrong. 

Facebook was actually beneficial to me for once in my life. Social media is the devil of the internet. Social media causes us to view the world in a completely different way than we should be. It allows us to be jealous and hateful towards each other and glamorize our shitty little lives. I am 150% addicted to social media and won’t be leaving anytime soon, but I am fully aware that it puts me in a bad mood sometimes.

Once in a while someone will post something worth reading. Humans of New York is a Facebook page by Brandon Stanton. It’s a photo blog that tells the real life stories of people, not only in New York City, but all over the world. Recently Brandon posted a story of a man who has had his fair share of hardships in his life and he is currently struggling with anxiety and panic attacks, even though those hardships have left his life. He said he’s been dealing with them for so long now that he’s not sure how to handle the quiet. 

Holy. Fucking. Shit. 

I have NEVER related to something that HONY has posted, or anyone has posted really. I haven’t been able to understand what has been going on in my life. I haven’t been able to figure out why these things were happening when my life has gotten so good over the last year. I have an amazing boyfriend with an amazing family who loves and cares for me like their own. My own family has been through a lot but those problems have been long gone and we are all recovered/recovering. I have a job, I’m paying off my debt, I’m planning and preparing for my future. I can honestly say my life is good. My life is so good, so why am I so not…

The chaos that I’ve dealt with for a good chunk of my life is gone and I have been so occupied with it that now I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know how to just let my guard down and accept the fact that my life has gotten better, that I’m safe now. No ones going to hurt me anymore, no one is going to try to control my life anymore. I’m no longer fighting every day to defend myself from these demons that I have lived with for so long. 

Now that I feel like I’ve found out why this is all happening, I feel like I can have more control over it. I can acknowledge everything good in my life when I’m feeling down. I can keep the shitty memories at bay and hopefully slowly but surely forget them. I don’t have to let these demons continue tormenting me. They are gone, done with, out of my life for good. I don’t have to let them back in. I can’t. 

It’s a good feeling when I have these little revelations because it gives me some sort of sense of control in my life. It has been an absolute roller coaster ride and I just want to get off this damn thing. I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

I know I will still have my bad days, some way worse than others. I will still feel suicidal, I will still lose motivation to do anything at all. This isn’t going to get better overnight just because I realized what might be going on. It’s going to take a lot of time and a lot of work to get better but I want to get better. I want to be myself again. 

I will be myself again. 

I’m done counting…

It’s been quite some time since I’ve written anything. I’m a fucking mess. 

I can’t escape my own head. I am absolutely my own worst enemy. I don’t want to be anymore. I want to be able to shut my brain off. The only time I can ever do that is when I’m sleeping, and even then my dreams don’t help the situation. I’m exhausted and no one knows why but I do. I’m depressed and my anxiety is controlling my life. 

I feel like I’m officially at the point in depression where I don’t want to do anything. Nothing at all. I don’t want to be alive, I don’t want to exist anymore. Fuck it’s a shitty feeling. To constantly think about how much relief I would get out of being dead is not only terrifying but it’s not fucking normal. No one should ever feel this way and I feel it on a daily basis. I don’t know what to do anymore and if I think of something I’m afraid it’s too late. I have no motivation. I have been forcing myself to do things, normal basic daily tasks and fun hobbies. Forcing myself. That’s not normal. I shouldn’t have to force myself to do daily tasks and especially things that I should be enjoying. 

I felt like I was getting better but the suicidal thoughts never really leave. It’s not necessarily thinking of ways to do it, I never do that. I just think it would be a great thing if I was dead. I just want to be dead. 

My job has been extremely stressful and I know that’s not helping. I think that when/if my job straightens itself out it will help a little but barely make a difference. I’m just going to work, getting shit done, and coming home. Trying not to let it get to me but it does. I get home and all I think about it work. Last night I had to tell myself to stop thinking about work because I was trying to go to sleep and couldn’t get my mind to stop running. I can’t seem to turn off work once I leave the building. It just follows me home. I know my brain is weak and tired right now and things are just really bad there but I’m hoping it gets better. I don’t mind the job and want to keep working there but my mental health is at stake (again).

Something that’s really been getting to me the past couple days is the fact that I ran into the guy who decided it would be a good idea to rape me 5 years ago. 5 fucking years. I haven’t seen this “man” in 5 fucking years and was finally feeling like that night that completely destroyed me wasn’t anymore. And now it is again. 

I forgot what he looked like and now I know again. I close my eyes and I see his face. I try not to think about it but it’s all I can think about. I broke down at work thinking about it. I keep zoning out and not listening to others because I can’t stop thinking about it. That was the worst night of my life and the worst relationship I’ve ever been in and I just had the worst flashback when I saw him. 

I don’t know what to do anymore. 

Day 109

Today was a pretty good day but I’ve felt off for most of it. 

I woke up this morning and my boyfriend seemed to have a rough night. He was downstairs for a few hours before I got up. He ended up having a rough night because I had a rough night so it was kind of just a big mess but we were fine after talking and snuggling. I think we are both at the point where we don’t want our “little” problems to be big problems for the other person anymore. I say “little” because they may seem like minor issues to the other but to ourselves it’s a big deal. Anxiety makes everything a big deal…

Speaking of anxiety, I took a stupid little anxiety test a couple weeks ago when I was having a really bad attack. I wanted to try taking it while I was feeling those emotions. I feel like I can’t quite explain it unless I’m actually feeling it. I just remember that it’s a really shitty feeling. Anyway, I took the test and it spat out all of this stuff about the different types of anxiety I have and all that jazz. I have been getting emails from the lady who made the test and I kind of want to go through her program. I know it’s stupid, it’s some random quiz I found on the internet, this lady probably doesn’t exist and if she does she probably isn’t certified to give any type of advice…but I want to try it. While I can tell her emails are all automated, they were definitely written by a real person with real understanding of anxiety. I just feel calmer reading them. It’s weird… but once I start getting a paycheck and get back on track I might actually do it. 

Back to my day today…

After my boyfriend went to work I drove to my moms house to pick up my sister. We decided to go to Corbetts Glenn, a park with a gorgeous view. I love it here!

I want to keep going for walks every day that I can. Nature makes me happy, I am always just so relaxed and stress free when I’m out in nature. I want to feel that way at least once every day. It’s getting warmer so I can get outside more, hopefully that will lead to brighter days. I feel like my depression is pretty seasonal. But my anxiety has been non stop for a few years now. 

After we got back I hung out a little until my mom got up. We planned on going to my grandmas house to visit for her birthday. She is 90 years old! It was really nice seeing my grandma. I honestly think the last time I saw her was a year ago, for her 89th. I don’t want to only visit her once a year. I want to start seeing her more. I love my grandma and I think regular company will be good for her. My aunt lives with her but we all know my aunt drives her crazy 😂. 

I went home after and my boyfriend quickly greeted me and told me not to take my shoes off. I felt like I was in the car all day! I didn’t want to get in the car again. We went to run a quick errand and finally got back home, made dinner, and are probably going to bed soon. 

All day I felt anxious. I don’t know why. I’m not sure if it’s because my job is starting soon and that’s always a little nerve wracking or if it’s just all this other mysterious bullshit that anxiety likes to be triggered by. I guess we will find out when I start work. 

My boyfriend talked to me about that too. He said when my job starts I’m probably going to feel really anxious and stressed and I’ll want to give up but I have to just push through it and it will get easier. I know he’s right, I know that probably will happen and I’ll want to quit. The thought of backing out of this job has crossed my mind. I just keep pushing those thoughts out of my head though. I’m honestly excited to be working for the company that I am and I’m really excited to be working in this setting again. I’m glad that I interviewed with the store manager because now I have a good idea of how the management will be, and with this kind of management comes good employees which is a huge plus. I have had great luck with jobs when it comes to the employees and management, this streak is continuing it seems. 

So I’m definitely excited and definitely terrified but I know I can’t do it. I’m 108 days in since I started this little blog diary thing and at this point I’m feeling so much better than I did on day 1. It’s been 146 days of unemployment which has driven me mad, and I am really excited to get back to work.

I’m going to try to stay relaxed tonight. Just try to not have an anxious night. It’s impossible to control, but positive thoughts might do something. 

Day 37

So I’m writing this blog a little late but I didn’t want to wait until tonight (38) because I don’t want to combine days so often. It’ll just be easier to keep track if I actually start doing these every day. 

Yesterday (37) was very chill. I literally did nothing and it was pretty nice but I need to be productive today (38). Yesterday I decided it was time to brush my hair. I will go a few days without brushing it if it’s just in a bun but I need to stop doing that. My hair is so long and there’s so much of it so it weighs pretty heavy on my head and I think it’s been causing me headaches. I just hate wearing it down all the time because it gets in the way. I’ll have to find a cute hairstyle that doesn’t give me a headache and keeps my hair out of my face. 

Its 10:32am on day 38 and I just want to stay in bed! But I got a lot of shit to do… a lot! 


Day 18/19

Day 18 was Christmas. It was a very good day for the most part. 

My boyfriend and I got up pretty early to finish cleaning the house before people started showing up. We hung out at the house for a bit, had dinner with his family and opened gifts. After that we went to my sisters house for my family. We had dinner again and gave the kids their gifts. I got my niece an iPod so o set that up for her too. After my sisters house we had to go to my boyfriends friends house for their friend Christmas. This is when the day got a little bad. 

The party was supposed to start at 8. We showed up around 8:15 to a dark locked up house. After calling several people, someone finally showed up about 15-20 minutes later. Then we sat around for another hour doing nothing. So I’m in a strangers house, sitting alone in a chair, waiting around for people who don’t have the decency to show up on time ever. His friends are always late, even when they’re the ones hosting parties. They are great people, but damn just show up on time. It’s called responsibility. I don’t even understand how they hold down jobs with the way they manage time. 

I had my boyfriend drop me back off at the house because I was sick of waiting around in a strangers house alone, for people who didn’t seem to be showing up anytime soon. Turns out I wouldn’t even have gotten a secret Santa gift because one of the drunk whores never showed up. So now I’m out $20 and pissed. Never doing Christmas with his friends again. 

Yesterday was day 19. I decided to include it in this blog because I literally did nothing. Played video games and watched TV all day and it was wonderful. 
I’m hoping today is a good day. Now that Christmas is over, hopefully I’ll remember to do these on a nightly basis. 

Day 5

Today was pretty crazy. 

My boyfriend woke up early again having trouble breathing and remaining calm. He suffers from anxiety too. His scares me a little more because I know there’s a higher chance of him having some other underlying problem. He got checked out today pretty thoroughly and everything was normal. His doctor determined it’s just anxiety disorder and gave him the option of drugs or therapy. He initially chose therapy but we have been reading up on everything and may go a different route. If that fails, therapy it is. 

I hope our plans work out in our favor. I would love for us both to heal without the need of therapy or medication, but I know it may be necessary. I just know how we both are. We aren’t the type to want to do things the “normal” way. Instead, we prefer the natural way. Are we hippies or what? 😂

After the check up we were able to go home and make lunch. Then we went to meet someone to sell an item and drove around to take pictures before it got too dark. We are hopefully gonna go back out to take pictures of all the Christmas lights. 

My boyfriends parents gave me my birthday present early. They got me a Himalayan salt lamp!! I have wanted one for so long now. We will see if it actually helps! Even if it doesn’t, it’s still a gorgeous lamp and I’m a little geologist so I love it!! 

Overall today was a good day mentally/emotionally. I got pretty upset this morning because of my boyfriends issues but it wasn’t anything too serious and recovered after a short nap. I hate resorting to sleeping to fix things but I knew I was being ridiculous. I knew it was just my brain doing what it does best and cause me anxiety and depression. Sleeping it off can be ok every once in a while. I won’t make a habit of it again though. That’s how it gets you. 

Day 4

Today I was able to sleep in a little bit. It was very well needed. My boyfriend wasn’t feeling too good again so I comforted him. After he started feeling a bit better we just spent the morning playing video games. We have been trying to get healthier physically too so we worked out together and started to keep a little exercise log so we can track our progress. I think it’s gonna help us to keep going with it. I’m really proud of how well we have been doing, especially my boyfriend. We got into the habit of making excuses to not go to the gym and to go eat out. Now we are exercising and eating good meals in. Our wallets are pretty thankful.

I think working on my physical health is going to help me continue to have better moods and feel more energized. When I get into the depressing or anxious moods, I lose all motivation to do anything. I just want to curl up in a ball on the couch or in bed and sleep. Over the past couple days I think exercising and eating better has already improved my energy levels and overall mood. I just have to remember I need to take care of my body and that will help me take care of my mind.

All of these good days scare me. I’m afraid to get used to them. I’m afraid to let my guard down. It’s weird having your guard up over something that can’t even physically hurt you, but I know depression and anxiety is still there. I can’t heal myself in a couple days, it’s gonna take a long time to be back to myself again. I’m just afraid that I’ll have days, weeks, maybe even months being free of this curse but then it’ll just pop up really bad at the worst time possible. That seems to be how it works on me.

I should take Awolnation’s advice; Never let your fear decide your fate. I shouldn’t let these little fears make me overthink and cause an episode. I need to try to keep those thoughts out of my head. They may seem harmless at first but if you keep thinking something over and over, maybe you’ll start to believe it. I don’t want to believe that I can be okay for a long time and then just be not okay again. I want to believe I WILL be okay for a long time, period.

Anyway, today was just a typical lazy Sunday. Tomorrow is the most hated day of the week, so we’all see what tomorrow’s blog ends up reading.

I’m typing this from my boyfriends phone, so I can’t add a picture so here’s a smiley face 🙂🙃