Day 8

I’ve been avoiding writing this blog because of how bad today was.

I knew as soon as I woke up that it was going to be a bad day, and I think that made things worse than they needed to be. I don’t really want to go into detail but I got really upset over something that wasn’t a big deal at all. I should have handled the situation way differently. 

I ended up scaring my boyfriend into thinking I was going to kill myself because I wanted to go for a drive. The whole situation was bad and I really don’t even want to think about it. But in that moment, I did want to kill myself. I am sick of getting in these moods and having to overreact to every little thing. I can’t control it and I feel like I’m a completely different person. I feel like a monster. I don’t want to go through these episodes anymore, and that is why I have suicidal thoughts. 

I hate it, but it’s something I’m going to have to deal with for a little while longer. Once I’m all healed up everything else will stop. These crazy mood swings will stop. 

I really fear that one day I’m going to be so terrible that it ends up breaking me and my boyfriend up. I would be completely devastated if that happened. I need to control it for the sake of our relationship. I know he says he’s there for me and we will get through everything, you just never know. I can’t risk losing him. 

I finally calmed down and apologized to my boyfriend. I want to keep apologizing. I feel like a complete asshole who doesn’t deserve him. 

I really hope tomorrow is a better day. Today was a mess. 

Photo by my boyfriend 


Day 6

Hello blog world. 

Today it kept really sinking in that my birthday is just next week. Less than a week away now. I’m really excited for it, I feel like it’s going to be a really fun and relaxing day. I look forward to the days where I have plans because it keeps me occupied and keeps my mind from overthinking. I hope one day I won’t have to think that way about making plans. I should make them to have fun or to get stuff done, not to make sure I don’t go crazy. 

Today was a decent day overall. My boyfriend woke up early this morning but we did manage to fall back asleep. I slept so hard it actually felt like I just turned into stone while sleeping. I didn’t move a muscle all night! I haven’t had a nights sleep like that in a long time. I’m very thankful. 

My boyfriend and I just relaxed for most of the day. We worked out before he had to go to work and both beat our record from last time. Progress! After he went to work I went to my moms house. 

I originally went to my moms house to ask her questions about our family history that I needed for the egg donor application. I told her about everything that’s been going on the last time I visited and she texted me today just checking up on me. When I visited today we ended up getting a little more in depth about what’s been going on but she still barely scratched the surface. The problem with my mom is she never thinks there is anything wrong with her kids. And that’s fine, I mean I guess I wouldn’t want to believe that my son or daughter could have a mental illness, but sometimes it really affects our conversations. She thinks she understands what’s going on but she thinks it’s the bare minimum. I do understand this and it helps me keep the conversation on track and helps me not flip out on my mom for not getting it.

She did actually ask some questions that sparked better conversation and made me feel better about the whole thing though. She thinks I made the right choice with trying to self heal instead of jumping straight to therapy or medication. I told her about the blog too, but she doesn’t know what a blog is so it was kind of useless. I just told her I’m using it as sort of an online diary. A way to vent, and a way to reflect on my day. 

After I went back home I ended up having to face a trigger. My boyfriend has issues controlling his anger. He has been working to change that and has been doing amazing but every once in a while it pokes its head out. I unfortunately have dealt with an abusive father who has anger issues and everytime my boyfriend reacts that way I just see my father. It’s absolutely terrifying. I honestly don’t think he’d ever do anything to me but there is always that “what if?”. And if he ever did, I think I’m strong enough to leave. As much as I love him, I won’t put up with another abusive man. 

I don’t fear my boyfriend at all. I am the most comfortable around him than I am with anyone else but when the anger bubbles up to the surface I get really scared. We are going to keep working on it though. He really wants to change and he has already done so good and has come so far. I know he can overcome it. 

Now I’m probably just going to relax for the rest of the night. I kind of want to go to bed early and try to get another good nights sleep…but I also want to go for a drive and just blast music. Decisions, decisions. 

Photo by me

Day 7Β 

It’s been one week since I started this blog.

I want to keep going with it. I think it is really helping me already. I only know of one person in my personal life who reads it, my boyfriend. He says it’s helping him, too. He wants me to talk to him more about this stuff, but I’m not a talker so being able to read my thoughts has been working well. He has been extremely supportive of this and has noticed a difference in me too.

I have noticed a difference in myself. I’m overall happier and I think it’s because at the end of every day I now reflect on everything that has happened instead of sit on it. Any issues I have will be written about, any good things will be as well. It’s been a great way to release some of the emotions that have built up throughout the day.

Today I’ve been a little on the down side, but I think it’s more PMS than anything. I actually believe I have PMDD which is Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder. In short, it’s just extreme PMS. If I wasn’t on birth control, my PMS would truly be 100 times worse than it is. I think my overall depression and anxiety would be worse too. I think if I wasn’t on birth control, I may have successfully acted on my suicidal thoughts. Maybe I just want to think that though.

Sometimes I feel like I actually want to die and I’m not having a depression episode. I will just be going about my day like normal and in the back of my mind I will be thinking about how much better things would be if I was dead. I try so hard not to think that way but it’s nearly impossible. I can’t really control my thoughts. If I didn’t have my family and my boyfriend, and now his family in my life, I would probably be dead.

It’s always scary when those thoughts come around. I hate it. I try to keep my mind off it but sometimes you just can’t. It’s like I’m trapped in my own head and swallowed the key myself. I want to break free so hard but I’m the only one keeping myself from that freedom. I just have to keep working on it. Every day.

Anyway, today was a pretty relaxed day. I had to stop at the store to finish up Christmas shopping. I went to my mom’s house this morning and hung out there for a bit. Whenever I go to my mom’s house I never do what I meant to do when I got there. I always end up just hanging out and talking to my mom and my siblings. I think it’s because I feel rushed when I go there. I am always on a time crunch and have to be finished by a certain time, but I want to spend my time there catching up with my mom and siblings. I should work on time management a little bit more or just make more time for them. My family is very important to me, I should make more time for them.

After my mom’s house I went back home, watched a movie with my boyfriend, and went to take pictures. I also worked on my boyfriend’s Christmas gift a little bit too. Since we are both struggling financially this Christmas we decided to not spend money on each other and if any gifts were to be exchanged they would have to be made. I like this idea a lot. I’m not a very materialistic person so a gift from the heart is always better to me.

It is now 6:35pm and I’m hungry so I’m going to make dinner and just relax for the night. I would like to read a little bit tonight before bed. I started a book called The Sun Is Also A Star. It is an extremely easy read but I think I will really enjoy it. Next I want to read a book called A Better Way To Think. It’s supposed to help people who have negative thoughts think differently. Maybe it can help me!

I think that’s it for today’s blog. Goodnight world.IMG_3153.jpg

Here’s a cute little duck I shot earlier.

Day 5

Today was pretty crazy. 

My boyfriend woke up early again having trouble breathing and remaining calm. He suffers from anxiety too. His scares me a little more because I know there’s a higher chance of him having some other underlying problem. He got checked out today pretty thoroughly and everything was normal. His doctor determined it’s just anxiety disorder and gave him the option of drugs or therapy. He initially chose therapy but we have been reading up on everything and may go a different route. If that fails, therapy it is. 

I hope our plans work out in our favor. I would love for us both to heal without the need of therapy or medication, but I know it may be necessary. I just know how we both are. We aren’t the type to want to do things the “normal” way. Instead, we prefer the natural way. Are we hippies or what? πŸ˜‚

After the check up we were able to go home and make lunch. Then we went to meet someone to sell an item and drove around to take pictures before it got too dark. We are hopefully gonna go back out to take pictures of all the Christmas lights. 

My boyfriends parents gave me my birthday present early. They got me a Himalayan salt lamp!! I have wanted one for so long now. We will see if it actually helps! Even if it doesn’t, it’s still a gorgeous lamp and I’m a little geologist so I love it!! 

Overall today was a good day mentally/emotionally. I got pretty upset this morning because of my boyfriends issues but it wasn’t anything too serious and recovered after a short nap. I hate resorting to sleeping to fix things but I knew I was being ridiculous. I knew it was just my brain doing what it does best and cause me anxiety and depression. Sleeping it off can be ok every once in a while. I won’t make a habit of it again though. That’s how it gets you. 

Day 4

Today I was able to sleep in a little bit. It was very well needed. My boyfriend wasn’t feeling too good again so I comforted him. After he started feeling a bit better we just spent the morning playing video games. We have been trying to get healthier physically too so we worked out together and started to keep a little exercise log so we can track our progress. I think it’s gonna help us to keep going with it. I’m really proud of how well we have been doing, especially my boyfriend. We got into the habit of making excuses to not go to the gym and to go eat out. Now we are exercising and eating good meals in. Our wallets are pretty thankful.

I think working on my physical health is going to help me continue to have better moods and feel more energized. When I get into the depressing or anxious moods, I lose all motivation to do anything. I just want to curl up in a ball on the couch or in bed and sleep. Over the past couple days I think exercising and eating better has already improved my energy levels and overall mood. I just have to remember I need to take care of my body and that will help me take care of my mind.

All of these good days scare me. I’m afraid to get used to them. I’m afraid to let my guard down. It’s weird having your guard up over something that can’t even physically hurt you, but I know depression and anxiety is still there. I can’t heal myself in a couple days, it’s gonna take a long time to be back to myself again. I’m just afraid that I’ll have days, weeks, maybe even months being free of this curse but then it’ll just pop up really bad at the worst time possible. That seems to be how it works on me.

I should take Awolnation’s advice; Never let your fear decide your fate. I shouldn’t let these little fears make me overthink and cause an episode. I need to try to keep those thoughts out of my head. They may seem harmless at first but if you keep thinking something over and over, maybe you’ll start to believe it. I don’t want to believe that I can be okay for a long time and then just be not okay again. I want to believe I WILL be okay for a long time, period.

Anyway, today was just a typical lazy Sunday. Tomorrow is the most hated day of the week, so we’all see what tomorrow’s blog ends up reading.

I’m typing this from my boyfriends phone, so I can’t add a picture so here’s a smiley face πŸ™‚πŸ™ƒ


Day 3

Happy Saturday blog world. Today was actually a very good day. 

I woke up early again. My boyfriends health issues cause him to get up early sometimes and I usually wake up with him. We just hung out until he had to go to work. 

I had a decently busy day and those ones seem to be the easiest to get through. If I’m occupied, I’m not thinking about anything negative. I had to return and exchange some items, stopped by my moms house to grab mail, and then went home to meet my boyfriend on his lunch break. After lunch I went to a park to take some pictures and went to a secondhand store that my boyfriend had wanted to check out for a while now. The store was creepy, not like any second hand store I’ve ever been in. Some of the things they were selling creeped me out so bad I wanted to leave. I don’t get creeped out very easily. 

After the store I went back home to edit pictures, played some video games, went grocery shopping, and had dinner and hung out for the rest of the night. 

No thoughts of suicide. No negative thoughts at all (besides the creepy store!). I love days like today. 

Let’s hope tomorrow is just as good. 

Photo by me

Day 2

I woke up early again this morning but not entirely from myself. My boyfriend woke up feeling sick so I did my best to make him as comfortable as possible and help him with stuff. Luckily he is feeling better now. We were up bright and early because of it, which was nice because as I mentioned in my last post, I love those mornings :). I just love hanging out with him and it seems like early in the morning and late at night hold our best conversations and memories.

I had to drop my car off at the dealership this morning for some general service. I don’t have a job, so I’m tight on money and probably won’t be able to afford it for January, but I’m gonna try. I love my little car and worked so hard to get it. I would really hate to see it go. My boyfriend wants to turn in his car and share mine and with the discussion we had about it that is the most logical thing to do. I could get into details but I honestly don’t think I’ll care about it down the line when I read this again. I’m just really lucky to have an amazing man in my life who is willing to make changes like that for me. He is the best <3. 

After we dropped off my car we went Christmas shopping. I started not feeling well so we headed back home. I did manage to find my secret Santa a hilarious gag gift though!

I think not feeling well made me a little depressed. I tried my best to keep it down and it worked, I’m just afraid that’s not the best idea. I don’t think it’s a good idea to hold back the feelings that I have. There has to be a better way to release the feelings without just holding them back or covering them up. If I keep doing that it’ll just keep building up and I think that’s how my really bad episodes happen. The suicidal episodes. 

It really is a scary thing when the thought of killing yourself or the thought of being dead doesn’t scare you. A little contradicting, right? I’m afraid I’m not sick enough to go through with it, and that’s the scary part. What if I try and I don’t die? What if I try but I wimp out at the last second and end up only hurting myself and having to live with it? What if I’m not strong enough (or weak enough?) to even have a serious attempt at suicide and I just have to live with these horrid visions of me crashing my car into a tree at 100mph? So, the thought of killing myself and being dead doesn’t scare me. The chance that I might fail and still have to live with this does. That’s terrifying. 

These feelings have been ongoing for a long time. I feel like they’ve gotten a little worse since I’ve gotten a car…maybe because I see it as a way out. Maybe having a vehicle isn’t the best idea for me. Sometimes when I think back on previous suicidal episodes it makes sense as to why I didn’t do it. It wasn’t guaranteed. I could swallow a bunch of pills and go to bed…and wake up in the middle of the night just sick to my stomach. I could hang myself…but whatever I was trying to hang myself from breaks or the rope breaks and I end up with a broken neck, but still living. I could shoot myself, no guns though and I don’t steal. Maybe I am always making excuses  because I don’t actually want to die. Maybe it’s because I’m too smart for my own good and psych myself out by creating all these little “what if” scenarios. At this point in my life, I honestly have no idea. But no matter what I think or visualize in my head, the feelings never seem strong enough to act upon, and that gives me hope. I just need to heal my brain. 

Today I just had a couple moments when I wanted to cry, most of them for good reasons though. I’ve been very sensitive today, so the most random things made me want to tear up. 

One huge thing was when I was talking to my boyfriend about becoming an egg donor. See, I don’t want kids myself. And I absolutely hate that, because I’m fertile. I can have kids, and I just don’t want to. What a waste! What an insult to women who can’t have kids and want them! So I started to fill out an application to become an egg donor. If I don’t want kids myself, the least I can do is help another couple start a family themselves. Hopefully the local hospital here accepts my application and the screenings and background checks go smoothly. I’m very excited. I need things like this in my life. I want my life to have purpose, and this is definitely something I’ve wanted to do for a long time and something that could potentially help a ton of people. 

I can’t really remember the other things that made me really sensitive today but they weren’t bad.  

Now I’m just hanging out with my boyfriend for the rest of the night, snuggling up and watching TV. Another day just getting by. Here’s to tomorrow. Hopefully a slightly better tomorrow. I’d like all my future days to be better than the last. 

 Photo by me 🌾🌼