I woke up early again this morning but not entirely from myself. My boyfriend woke up feeling sick so I did my best to make him as comfortable as possible and help him with stuff. Luckily he is feeling better now. We were up bright and early because of it, which was nice because as I mentioned in my last post, I love those mornings :). I just love hanging out with him and it seems like early in the morning and late at night hold our best conversations and memories.
I had to drop my car off at the dealership this morning for some general service. I don’t have a job, so I’m tight on money and probably won’t be able to afford it for January, but I’m gonna try. I love my little car and worked so hard to get it. I would really hate to see it go. My boyfriend wants to turn in his car and share mine and with the discussion we had about it that is the most logical thing to do. I could get into details but I honestly don’t think I’ll care about it down the line when I read this again. I’m just really lucky to have an amazing man in my life who is willing to make changes like that for me. He is the best <3.
After we dropped off my car we went Christmas shopping. I started not feeling well so we headed back home. I did manage to find my secret Santa a hilarious gag gift though!
I think not feeling well made me a little depressed. I tried my best to keep it down and it worked, I’m just afraid that’s not the best idea. I don’t think it’s a good idea to hold back the feelings that I have. There has to be a better way to release the feelings without just holding them back or covering them up. If I keep doing that it’ll just keep building up and I think that’s how my really bad episodes happen. The suicidal episodes.
It really is a scary thing when the thought of killing yourself or the thought of being dead doesn’t scare you. A little contradicting, right? I’m afraid I’m not sick enough to go through with it, and that’s the scary part. What if I try and I don’t die? What if I try but I wimp out at the last second and end up only hurting myself and having to live with it? What if I’m not strong enough (or weak enough?) to even have a serious attempt at suicide and I just have to live with these horrid visions of me crashing my car into a tree at 100mph? So, the thought of killing myself and being dead doesn’t scare me. The chance that I might fail and still have to live with this does. That’s terrifying.
These feelings have been ongoing for a long time. I feel like they’ve gotten a little worse since I’ve gotten a car…maybe because I see it as a way out. Maybe having a vehicle isn’t the best idea for me. Sometimes when I think back on previous suicidal episodes it makes sense as to why I didn’t do it. It wasn’t guaranteed. I could swallow a bunch of pills and go to bed…and wake up in the middle of the night just sick to my stomach. I could hang myself…but whatever I was trying to hang myself from breaks or the rope breaks and I end up with a broken neck, but still living. I could shoot myself, no guns though and I don’t steal. Maybe I am always making excuses because I don’t actually want to die. Maybe it’s because I’m too smart for my own good and psych myself out by creating all these little “what if” scenarios. At this point in my life, I honestly have no idea. But no matter what I think or visualize in my head, the feelings never seem strong enough to act upon, and that gives me hope. I just need to heal my brain.
Today I just had a couple moments when I wanted to cry, most of them for good reasons though. I’ve been very sensitive today, so the most random things made me want to tear up.
One huge thing was when I was talking to my boyfriend about becoming an egg donor. See, I don’t want kids myself. And I absolutely hate that, because I’m fertile. I can have kids, and I just don’t want to. What a waste! What an insult to women who can’t have kids and want them! So I started to fill out an application to become an egg donor. If I don’t want kids myself, the least I can do is help another couple start a family themselves. Hopefully the local hospital here accepts my application and the screenings and background checks go smoothly. I’m very excited. I need things like this in my life. I want my life to have purpose, and this is definitely something I’ve wanted to do for a long time and something that could potentially help a ton of people.
I can’t really remember the other things that made me really sensitive today but they weren’t bad.
Now I’m just hanging out with my boyfriend for the rest of the night, snuggling up and watching TV. Another day just getting by. Here’s to tomorrow. Hopefully a slightly better tomorrow. I’d like all my future days to be better than the last.
Photo by me 🌾🌼