I feel like I’m on a never ending street called anxiety, but this street isn’t intersecting with anything, so I just have to keep going. 

I’ve felt this way for a while and it’s been really strong lately. For the past couple weeks I have had very little control over my anxiety. It’s affecting my sleeping habits and eating habits like it usually does when it gets this bad. I have no reason for it. There’s not really anything going on in my life that I’m anxious about. It’s just there. 

I really think that’s the worst. When I’m anxious or depressed with a reason, it’s fine because once that reason goes away I generally feel better. With this no reason at all nonsense I have NO idea why I’m feeling this way and NO idea when it’s going to go away. I don’t know how to turn it off. I even try to think of things that might be causing it but  I usually come up with nothing. 

Lately I’ve been thinking maybe it’s my vacation coming up, but when I think about all aspects of the vacation I don’t feel anxious at all. Maybe it’s finances, but I’m in a decent situation financially that I can only hope will continue to improve. My relationships are all good. I’m starting a new job that’s going to be a great opportunity for me again and that I’m actually going to enjoy. Nothing in my life is “bad” right now. That’s the worst part. 

I hope one day I don’t feel this kind of anxious anymore. It’s always the worst feeling kind and it seems to have the longest episodes. I think this is week 3. I’ve woken up every day with anxiety for 3 weeks. I’ve lost sleep throughout the night from nightmares, struggled getting to sleep at night because I can’t shut off my brain, for 3 weeks. 

I honestly just want a good night of sleep. Maybe I’ll feel better then. 

My favorite leggings…

There has been something I’ve wanted to get off my chest for a while now. I frequently think of things I want to write about, just to let it out, and I never do because of what this blog was originally intended for. The more I think about it though, the more I realize that this blog is actually my outlet and I need to use it for ANYTHING I need to get off my chest, not necessarily just my depression and anxiety. This recovery process is a part of my whole life, and my whole life has an affect on my depression and anxiety, so why not write about anything that comes to mind? With that said…

My favorite leggings. 

Something I’ve owned for years and years, but stopped wearing shortly after entering a relationship that I’d end up being in for 2 years. A relationship I thought at the time was perfect. A relationship that sometimes I feel destroyed me more than my physically abusive relationships. 

I have always wondered how people  stay in bad relationships. I always thought that if I was ever in a crappy relationship, whatever the reasoning may be, that I would leave immediately. I have been in physically and verbally abusive relationships. I grew up with an abusive father and a mother who gave too many second chances. As soon as the opportunity presented itself, I left those relationships, and broke off contact with my father. I always felt like I was strong enough to leave, and I always did. 

However, my last relationship before my current one was a little bit different. I didn’t realize how bad it was, how bad I was actually treated, how twisted that family was. I didn’t realize any of this until my current relationship, where I truly have a man who loves me, a man deserving of the title of “man”, and a man who’s family is like my own. 

My last boyfriend never hit me, he never yelled at me, he didn’t cheat on me or really even hurt me in any way except one. He allowed me to lose myself. He allowed me to forget who I am and what I love. Once you have lost yourself, it’s really really hard to find yourself again. I’ve been slowly putting the pieces back together but I feel like I’ve still got a long way to go. 

During this relationship I was constantly put down for the things I loved, for the things I believed in. I was disliked for the things that I liked, for the things that made me who I am. It was everything, from my hobbies to my clothes to my beliefs. I actually stopped wearing my favorite leggings because every time I put them on I was made fun of. I stopped doing the things I love, I couldn’t ever express my opinions or beliefs without backlash. I could no longer be myself. 

Unfortunately I didn’t realize what was happening until the damage was done. It was a slow process that took a long time. I can’t say I wasn’t happy, in the moment I absolutely was, but when I think back on it now, I wasn’t happy. This girl, that was no longer me, was happy. 

It’s little moments like just changing out of my work clothes and putting on my favorite leggings without a care in the world that make me realize how shitty my last relationship actually was. I know even reading this I want to tell myself to stop being a bitch about it because it wasn’t that bad, but that’s why the stigma is still there, because people think that because it wasn’t “that bad” that it is ok.

It. Is. Not. Ok.  

It’s not ok to, for lack of a better term, harass someone to the point where they stop being themselves. It’s not ok to be hateful towards people with different views, interests, preferences, etc. It’s not ok to do this to anyone, let alone your own girlfriend. 

You need people in your life who will support your interests, your beliefs, and you in general. To have someone knock everything you do will destroy you. 

I am so beyond lucky to have gotten out of that relationship and now into one where when I put on these leggings, I hear my boyfriend jokingly catcall me and tell me my ass is out of this world (so punny 😂). I am able to do the things that I love, express my opinions and beliefs and actually have conversations about them. I’m able to just be myself around this man.

After I broke off the relationship, I was talking to someone about the whole thing. They ended up breaking off their relationship after hearing about what I went through and realized myself. I was able to help someone else get out of a bad situation with my personal experiences. I really liked that and I think that’s another reason why I want to start writing about anything I think of. It might just help someone else.

Facebook was actually beneficial…

Today is my day off so I’m getting some stuff done. Applying for jobs, cleaning the house, and continuing to downsize to get ready for tiny house living. 

I love when I feel productive on my days off. Depression and anxiety are literally crippling, so to not have it affecting me for once is always nice. I’m trying hard to not let it control my life but damn it’s hard. 

I had a little moment last night where I feel like I understand why my anxiety and depression have gotten so bad over the last year or so. It’s because my life got good. Doesn’t make much sense, right? Wrong. 

Facebook was actually beneficial to me for once in my life. Social media is the devil of the internet. Social media causes us to view the world in a completely different way than we should be. It allows us to be jealous and hateful towards each other and glamorize our shitty little lives. I am 150% addicted to social media and won’t be leaving anytime soon, but I am fully aware that it puts me in a bad mood sometimes.

Once in a while someone will post something worth reading. Humans of New York is a Facebook page by Brandon Stanton. It’s a photo blog that tells the real life stories of people, not only in New York City, but all over the world. Recently Brandon posted a story of a man who has had his fair share of hardships in his life and he is currently struggling with anxiety and panic attacks, even though those hardships have left his life. He said he’s been dealing with them for so long now that he’s not sure how to handle the quiet. 

Holy. Fucking. Shit. 

I have NEVER related to something that HONY has posted, or anyone has posted really. I haven’t been able to understand what has been going on in my life. I haven’t been able to figure out why these things were happening when my life has gotten so good over the last year. I have an amazing boyfriend with an amazing family who loves and cares for me like their own. My own family has been through a lot but those problems have been long gone and we are all recovered/recovering. I have a job, I’m paying off my debt, I’m planning and preparing for my future. I can honestly say my life is good. My life is so good, so why am I so not…

The chaos that I’ve dealt with for a good chunk of my life is gone and I have been so occupied with it that now I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know how to just let my guard down and accept the fact that my life has gotten better, that I’m safe now. No ones going to hurt me anymore, no one is going to try to control my life anymore. I’m no longer fighting every day to defend myself from these demons that I have lived with for so long. 

Now that I feel like I’ve found out why this is all happening, I feel like I can have more control over it. I can acknowledge everything good in my life when I’m feeling down. I can keep the shitty memories at bay and hopefully slowly but surely forget them. I don’t have to let these demons continue tormenting me. They are gone, done with, out of my life for good. I don’t have to let them back in. I can’t. 

It’s a good feeling when I have these little revelations because it gives me some sort of sense of control in my life. It has been an absolute roller coaster ride and I just want to get off this damn thing. I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

I know I will still have my bad days, some way worse than others. I will still feel suicidal, I will still lose motivation to do anything at all. This isn’t going to get better overnight just because I realized what might be going on. It’s going to take a lot of time and a lot of work to get better but I want to get better. I want to be myself again. 

I will be myself again. 

Day 110-129

Slack-a-lackin on these posts. 

It’s been 129 days since I’ve started this blog, since I’ve felt so weak and so empowered all at the same time. I finally gained the strength to start doing something about my depression and anxiety. How am I feeling today? Anxious. As. Fuck. 

I’m 3 hours away from home, family, friends, my boyfriend. Im all alone in a foreign place and I fucking hate it. 

I’m here for work, I’m training to hopefully get promoted…so lets backtrack a little bit to 4/3, the day I started working again since November. 

My first day back to work was pretty scary up until I actually got to work and it was fine. I met 2 other full time employees that were new hires and a few employees that have been working for this company for a while and are relocating to this store. My coworkers for the most part are super nice, there might be a potential sexual harassment situation and another employee who I am absolutely going to have a problem with but other than that, everyone is golden. 

The job itself has been a whole clusterfuck of “what am I doing, why am I doing it, do I want to do it” etc… I am having a less hard time than I thought I would but it’s still harder than I want it to be, for my mental health. 

I feel ok when I’m at work, there was one time when I went in feeling like the lowest of the low, like I was doing everything wrong and I should just stop wasting their time. But then my boss told me that I was doing really well and one of the stock guys thanked me for paying attention to detail and not only fixing people’s mistakes, but showing the other employees and advising management that they might want to touch on that specific thing in training again. My assistant manager has been actually listening to what I want and is willing to make it happen. I have NEVER had management like this. My last job was great, management was even better, but it took much longer for them to recognize my hard work and eventually I got too mentally unstable to even continue with that job. It’s unfortunate, but it’s ok. 

So right now I’m training 3 hours away from home and I’m freaking out. I don’t know why. I just miss my boyfriend, I miss my bed. I miss the comfort of my own home. I miss being able to go to the fridge for food instead of eating out. I bought pizza for lunch today and I’m eating the leftovers for dinner because I absolutely don’t want to leave this hotel room. I’m tired, my feet hurt, my joints hurt in general from being on my feet for 8 hours. 

These all seem like little things, even to me. I wish they didn’t affect me so much, so poorly. I wish I could be excited about being here and I’m really excited for this promotion, I just can’t wait til I’m back in my own town. 

I honestly think I’d be ok if I had someone here, I feel like I’m the biggest threat to myself when I’m alone. I still think about killing myself occasionally, and it’s been more frequent since I’ve been here. I don’t want to die, I just want to sleep for a very very long time…maybe forever. 

I’m trying to keep myself occupied but it’s really hard when you’re alone for 16 hours out of the day. Luckily I sleep for like 6 of those 16 hours but 10 is still too much time to think. I just wanna go home. 

I get to go home on Thursday after work. I should be leaving around 3 and I’m probably just gonna head straight home from work and just dive into my boyfriends arms. I miss him soooo much more than I expected. I obviously expected to miss him, but I literally want to cry just typing this. I love this man so fucking much it physically hurts to be away from him. Call me obsessed! I don’t care, I am 150% addicted to this man. 

I think I’m just going to stay in tonight and relax before a fun filled day of training tomorrow. My shift is a little later tomorrow which sucks, but it’s only by an hour. It makes the day feel 10 hours longer though! I love early shifts. The girl who is training me is super awesome too. She’s my age, and she told me she was afraid I was going to be some old crotchety lady like most are in that department. Its just so much better that I’ve been working with people my age. It makes the work environment much more comfortable for some reason. 

So back to the employees I’m having trouble with… there’s one guy who has brought up a sexual harassment charge on him from his old job multiple times and he’s a very handsy person. I just don’t want him putting his hands on me or on anyone else, especially with a history like that. I’m not even sure why you would tell people that someone reported you for sexual harassment, then proceed to put your hands in places they don’t belong. I am going to talk to my manager about it and see what happens. 

The other guy I’m having trouble with is this punky kid my age who I’m pretty sure is just hardcore into drugs and alcohol. I’m ok if you want to have a little fun on the weekends, fine whatever, but this kid comes in looking like he’s on drugs, complained about the “don’t come to work smelling like alcohol or you will be investigated” rule, and is he laziest employee I have ever met at any job. Ever. He is abusing the break system which I absolutely will mention to my manager, and he takes any opportunity he gets to slack off. I have always been a hard worker and it pisses me off that employees can get away with such laziness like that. If you don’t wanna be there, leave! They’re not paying you to stand around and do nothing. 

I don’t like getting people fired, I don’t want these people to lose their jobs but if you’re bad for the company then peace the fuck out. 

Enough about work, I need to talk about me. Over the past month or so I’ve felt more in control of my mental state than I have in a very long time. But it’s still sooo bad. I know this isn’t an overnight healing process, I know that I have about 10 years of fucked up history built up and it’s not going to go away anytime soon. I am just getting so fed up with feeling any type of depression, just wanting to break down and cry my eyes out for no reason whatsoever, or for reasons that are so ridiculous or completely made up in my head. I don’t want to feel anxious to the point where I can’t function normally. I can’t fucking poop normal when I’m anxious. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t hold a conversation or even keep my attention on something long enough to comprehend whatever it is that’s going on. I don’t want to feel that way anymore. For the most part I don’t, but every now and then, including now, I just want to break down. 

I think I’m just going to try relaxing for the night. It might be an early night for me, I’m really tired from today. I wanna get up early and grab Denny’s before work too, so the earlier I get to sleep the better. 

I know I’ve said this 100 times before but I’m going to try to write these every day. Bye for now 

Day 28/29

Yesterday and today were decent days. 

The past week or so has sort of been a wake up call. I have been in a very bad place this week. Some things happened that I would rather not write about but I wanted to reflect on what the outcome of those situations were. 

Like I said, it’s been a bad week. My boyfriends mom has actually gone through exactly what I’m going through. She also has a similar background relating to the “trauma” we both have faced. So she just really understands. I’m not saying other people I talk to don’t understand, but they don’t fully get it. They don’t know what it’s like to have had an abusive father, to know their rapist is still running around the streets probably ruining other girls’ lives too. They don’t know what it’s like to actually want to die, even when you are completely content with life. They don’t know that trusting people is nearly impossible for me. They don’t know that my brain messes with me so bad that I create giant problems out of tiny little things that wouldn’t normally matter on a good day. But my boyfriends mom has been through it, she knows almost exactly how I feel. 

I talked to her about everything after a really bad night/freak out/panic attack/suicidal feeling and it made me feel better practically instantly. Just talking to someone who has been through the same thing and truly understands, and someone who is now better really gave me hope. It lifted my spirits up so high that I actually feel better. I feel like it’s just not going to be bad anymore. I feel like I will be able to handle any situations way better. Obviously I can’t predict the future so I have no idea if I’m suddenly “better”, but I feel pretty amazing right now. 

I called my doctor today and made an appointment to talk to him about everything that’s been going on. Last time I mentioned it I didn’t necessarily tell how bad it actually was. I need to actually tell him what’s going on so he can actually help me. 

I don’t know if I want to do therapy honestly. I really just feel like if I open up to people around me more it will help me just as good as a therapist would. And for free and waaaaaaay less nerve racking. I will see what my doctor thinks. Maybe he will just prescribe a pill. 

I also took a St. John’s Wort pill. It’s just a natural mood enhancer herb. I don’t know if it worked because I think I threw it up before it got into my system. The pill didn’t make me throw up, so I’m considering trying it again if I wake up one morning feeling like it’s going to be a bad day. 

But the past 2 days have been pretty good. Things are looking up so I’m going to try to enjoy this wave of happiness. I think the majority of January and February I am going to be very happy. I am going on vacation in February, so I’m gonna be happy for like 2 weeks while cruising to Mexico while everyone back in Rochester freezes. I hope there’s a blizzard when we are gone 😂. But not really, because I hate when my mom has to shovel the driveway 😳. 

This month I am going to start tanning too. I hate tanning, it’s scary. I’m putting myself at such a risk for skin cancer and I actually have a spot that I would like to get checked out for cancer. But I’m a young dumb girl who is going on vacation next month. I am a very very pasty person. My winter skin tone is so sickly and ghostly white. So I will FRY in Mexico! I have to start tanning a month before to gradually build a tan instead of burning myself. I just don’t want to burn. But anyway, tanning always makes me happy. Being in a warm cozy little enclosed bed and coming out gorgeous is the best feeling ever. I really love tanning because I have freckles scattered across the bridge of my nose and my cheeks and the tops of my shoulders. When I tan they really pop and I love it!! I just think it’s so cute, call me cocky. 

So I’ll be tanning until vacation then having a blast for 2 weeks with my amazing boyfriend, his cool best friend, and his awesome family! I’m so excited to be surrounded by such a great group of people for a nice long vacation. 

After vacation, it’s serious job hunting time. I am broke. I am really broke. I am depending on my tax return to get myself back on my feet and find a job. 

I am going to give a local bus garage a call about being a school bus driver. It’s part time, it’s pretty laid back and easy, I’d be keeping kids safe, doing something a little more meaningful, and the pay is really good. They also pay you during training in which they provide you with what you need to get your CDL, for free! 

My boyfriend and I would like to have a job driving a truck so already having my CDL would be amazing. 

There is just a lot of stuff going on that seems so good. 

Niagara Falls walk on New Years Day. 💚

Day 14

It was a bad day. My boyfriends moms dog died so she was a mess and my boyfriend was a mess because of it. I wasn’t exactly in the best place either. I ended up spending the day with his mom baking cookies, just trying to keep her occupied. 

It was a very mentally stressful day. It’s always the hardest to try to take care of others when you can barely take care of yourself. I couldn’t wait to go to bed all day because I just wanted my brain to turn off. It always seems like things start going wrong on my worst days. I can almost sense it when I wake up. 

I’m hoping day 15 goes a little better. I’ve been stressed lately and it’s causing depression and anxiety attacks. I wish it wasn’t so cold outside so I had a better willingness to escape the everyday stresses of home and go on adventures that make my brain happy. Here’s to more adventure hopefully in the near future. 

Somewhere near Buffalo. The sunrise on the drive home.