Facebook was actually beneficial…

Today is my day off so I’m getting some stuff done. Applying for jobs, cleaning the house, and continuing to downsize to get ready for tiny house living. 

I love when I feel productive on my days off. Depression and anxiety are literally crippling, so to not have it affecting me for once is always nice. I’m trying hard to not let it control my life but damn it’s hard. 

I had a little moment last night where I feel like I understand why my anxiety and depression have gotten so bad over the last year or so. It’s because my life got good. Doesn’t make much sense, right? Wrong. 

Facebook was actually beneficial to me for once in my life. Social media is the devil of the internet. Social media causes us to view the world in a completely different way than we should be. It allows us to be jealous and hateful towards each other and glamorize our shitty little lives. I am 150% addicted to social media and won’t be leaving anytime soon, but I am fully aware that it puts me in a bad mood sometimes.

Once in a while someone will post something worth reading. Humans of New York is a Facebook page by Brandon Stanton. It’s a photo blog that tells the real life stories of people, not only in New York City, but all over the world. Recently Brandon posted a story of a man who has had his fair share of hardships in his life and he is currently struggling with anxiety and panic attacks, even though those hardships have left his life. He said he’s been dealing with them for so long now that he’s not sure how to handle the quiet. 

Holy. Fucking. Shit. 

I have NEVER related to something that HONY has posted, or anyone has posted really. I haven’t been able to understand what has been going on in my life. I haven’t been able to figure out why these things were happening when my life has gotten so good over the last year. I have an amazing boyfriend with an amazing family who loves and cares for me like their own. My own family has been through a lot but those problems have been long gone and we are all recovered/recovering. I have a job, I’m paying off my debt, I’m planning and preparing for my future. I can honestly say my life is good. My life is so good, so why am I so not…

The chaos that I’ve dealt with for a good chunk of my life is gone and I have been so occupied with it that now I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know how to just let my guard down and accept the fact that my life has gotten better, that I’m safe now. No ones going to hurt me anymore, no one is going to try to control my life anymore. I’m no longer fighting every day to defend myself from these demons that I have lived with for so long. 

Now that I feel like I’ve found out why this is all happening, I feel like I can have more control over it. I can acknowledge everything good in my life when I’m feeling down. I can keep the shitty memories at bay and hopefully slowly but surely forget them. I don’t have to let these demons continue tormenting me. They are gone, done with, out of my life for good. I don’t have to let them back in. I can’t. 

It’s a good feeling when I have these little revelations because it gives me some sort of sense of control in my life. It has been an absolute roller coaster ride and I just want to get off this damn thing. I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

I know I will still have my bad days, some way worse than others. I will still feel suicidal, I will still lose motivation to do anything at all. This isn’t going to get better overnight just because I realized what might be going on. It’s going to take a lot of time and a lot of work to get better but I want to get better. I want to be myself again. 

I will be myself again. 

I’m done counting…

It’s been quite some time since I’ve written anything. I’m a fucking mess. 

I can’t escape my own head. I am absolutely my own worst enemy. I don’t want to be anymore. I want to be able to shut my brain off. The only time I can ever do that is when I’m sleeping, and even then my dreams don’t help the situation. I’m exhausted and no one knows why but I do. I’m depressed and my anxiety is controlling my life. 

I feel like I’m officially at the point in depression where I don’t want to do anything. Nothing at all. I don’t want to be alive, I don’t want to exist anymore. Fuck it’s a shitty feeling. To constantly think about how much relief I would get out of being dead is not only terrifying but it’s not fucking normal. No one should ever feel this way and I feel it on a daily basis. I don’t know what to do anymore and if I think of something I’m afraid it’s too late. I have no motivation. I have been forcing myself to do things, normal basic daily tasks and fun hobbies. Forcing myself. That’s not normal. I shouldn’t have to force myself to do daily tasks and especially things that I should be enjoying. 

I felt like I was getting better but the suicidal thoughts never really leave. It’s not necessarily thinking of ways to do it, I never do that. I just think it would be a great thing if I was dead. I just want to be dead. 

My job has been extremely stressful and I know that’s not helping. I think that when/if my job straightens itself out it will help a little but barely make a difference. I’m just going to work, getting shit done, and coming home. Trying not to let it get to me but it does. I get home and all I think about it work. Last night I had to tell myself to stop thinking about work because I was trying to go to sleep and couldn’t get my mind to stop running. I can’t seem to turn off work once I leave the building. It just follows me home. I know my brain is weak and tired right now and things are just really bad there but I’m hoping it gets better. I don’t mind the job and want to keep working there but my mental health is at stake (again).

Something that’s really been getting to me the past couple days is the fact that I ran into the guy who decided it would be a good idea to rape me 5 years ago. 5 fucking years. I haven’t seen this “man” in 5 fucking years and was finally feeling like that night that completely destroyed me wasn’t anymore. And now it is again. 

I forgot what he looked like and now I know again. I close my eyes and I see his face. I try not to think about it but it’s all I can think about. I broke down at work thinking about it. I keep zoning out and not listening to others because I can’t stop thinking about it. That was the worst night of my life and the worst relationship I’ve ever been in and I just had the worst flashback when I saw him. 

I don’t know what to do anymore. 

Day 56

Another day of extreme anxiety making me feel like shit. I feel so helpless right now. I don’t want to do anything, I don’t want to be around anyone, I don’t want to eat, I want to sleep but can’t. I’m struggling so bad right now. 

I’m trying so hard to stay positive, I really am. I’ve just been having a hard time this past week. The worst part about it is nothing is wrong. Nothing in my life is wrong, everything is good. I have a good family who is happy and healthy, my boyfriend and his family are fine as well. I have a roof over my head, I’m getting my bills paid, I’m getting stuff done to prepare myself for vacation in another week and a half. There’s nothing wrong and I’m just so sad and angry and anxious and just stressed out. Over nothing. That’s the worst part. Not knowing why I feel this way. 

Obviously my brain is “broken” or my hormones are fucked up (I actually am PMSing right now). It’s always the worst this time of the month but it hasn’t been this bad in so long. I haven’t felt just a bout of sadness and anxiousness this long in a long time. I don’t know what to do. 

There are so many things that make me happy but when I feel like this nothing makes me happy. I’ll throw out a fake smile, which my boyfriend has now learned to detect. There’s just no happiness in me. Obviously I know it’s there, I’m very happy with everything going on in my life…but I’m just not happy. 

I feel like there are so many things that I want to get off my chest. Things that are most likely still weighing me down, things I haven’t quite gotten over just yet. Just speak my mind, tell my side of the story, vent, whatever. I just need to get it out. So I guess I want to start that today. 

I’m just going to include any random rants in these blogs. Anything that comes to mind. This is a place that I want to be able to fully express myself and be able to look back on. I’ve wanted to do this through vlogs actually, but I can’t stand the sound of my voice 😂. 

I guess the first thing I want to vent about is rape. I was raped in 2012 by my ex boyfriend and I feel like it just really fucked me up. 

I guess I should backtrack. I met this kid at a job. I dated him for a while. He treated me like shit all the time. But I was young and dumb and “in love” (HA!). I guess I just don’t want to feel used anymore. I don’t want to feel like this “man” took everything I had built over the prior year and just burned it to the ground. I was in such a bad place before I met him (from a prior relationship, which I want to touch base on eventually). He brought me to such a good place in my life. I was happy, I was a completely different person with him than I was before him. But he cheated on me so many times, he treated me like shit, he took my political and religious views and constantly used them against me. He built me up so high just to break me down. And then he raped me. Trust me ****, I would have been much better off if you just broke things off. 

It was the night of a Halloween party I was at. I was lucky enough to be attending this party at my brothers house, with one of my girl friends. I felt very safe, secure. Untouchable. I have never ever been afraid to be a woman prior to this night. My drunk ass ex drove drunk to the party, admitted he cheated on me again (3rd times a charm, right?). He was my ride home that night but I wasn’t going to get into a car with a drunk man behind the wheel. I didn’t have my license at the time. We planned on sleeping in the bed of his truck that night since we couldn’t get home. I remember sobering up throughout that mighty and I was just beating myself up for letting this asshole into my life but I was “in love” and felt like it was the end of the world with everything that had happened that night. Then, I said no and he did it anyway. So there I was, in the middle of a park parking lot, being held against my will, being very aggressively raped. I can’t tell you how many times I said no, stop, get off of me, but he just continued to beat me down. That is my only memory of 2012. That is the only memory that still haunts me. I just want it to stop. 

I know it’s not going to happen overnight, but it’s been 5 years. Come on, 5 years ago. I want to tell myself to get over it, but I can’t. I will never get over it. It’s always going to be burned into my brain. The way I felt that night is still how I feel today. It has caused me to get really upset at people who give me a problem when I say “no”, for anything. Literally anything. I hate being like this but I feel like I have no control over it. It’s such an instant reaction. I try really hard to hide it or to make it less…dramatic…but sometimes I fail. 

I just want to be freed from that night. I don’t want to feel scared that I might be raped again. I don’t want to feel scared that my own boyfriend will one day not care if o say no and force himself on me. I don’t want to be afraid of going places alone. I don’t want to be afraid of going on vacation next month because we are going to be in a foreign area to me and that terrifies me. All of these fears are because of that night. I don’t want to be afraid anymore. 

I don’t know if writing about these things will help me, but it’s nice to get things off my chest. 

My boyfriend will be home from work soon so hopefully I can keep my mind occupied tonight. 

Day 4

Today I was able to sleep in a little bit. It was very well needed. My boyfriend wasn’t feeling too good again so I comforted him. After he started feeling a bit better we just spent the morning playing video games. We have been trying to get healthier physically too so we worked out together and started to keep a little exercise log so we can track our progress. I think it’s gonna help us to keep going with it. I’m really proud of how well we have been doing, especially my boyfriend. We got into the habit of making excuses to not go to the gym and to go eat out. Now we are exercising and eating good meals in. Our wallets are pretty thankful.

I think working on my physical health is going to help me continue to have better moods and feel more energized. When I get into the depressing or anxious moods, I lose all motivation to do anything. I just want to curl up in a ball on the couch or in bed and sleep. Over the past couple days I think exercising and eating better has already improved my energy levels and overall mood. I just have to remember I need to take care of my body and that will help me take care of my mind.

All of these good days scare me. I’m afraid to get used to them. I’m afraid to let my guard down. It’s weird having your guard up over something that can’t even physically hurt you, but I know depression and anxiety is still there. I can’t heal myself in a couple days, it’s gonna take a long time to be back to myself again. I’m just afraid that I’ll have days, weeks, maybe even months being free of this curse but then it’ll just pop up really bad at the worst time possible. That seems to be how it works on me.

I should take Awolnation’s advice; Never let your fear decide your fate. I shouldn’t let these little fears make me overthink and cause an episode. I need to try to keep those thoughts out of my head. They may seem harmless at first but if you keep thinking something over and over, maybe you’ll start to believe it. I don’t want to believe that I can be okay for a long time and then just be not okay again. I want to believe I WILL be okay for a long time, period.

Anyway, today was just a typical lazy Sunday. Tomorrow is the most hated day of the week, so we’all see what tomorrow’s blog ends up reading.

I’m typing this from my boyfriends phone, so I can’t add a picture so here’s a smiley face 🙂🙃