That New Year New Me Bullshit

Let’s talk about it!

Honestly, I know it’s dumb. I know that I should be ready to change for the better right now instead of waiting until 2018. But New Years resolutions bring a little hope, so let people have their fun!

I guess you could say that I reached my goal. Go back and read my first blog ever. All I wanted was to be alive on 12/8/17, and clearly I was. But I’m not better, and I’m not even close to better.

Lately I’ve been feeling good, even if I haven’t been showing it. Things have been adding up and it’s been putting a lot of weight on my shoulders but I feel happier. I just need to learn to put everything that’s been going on aside and just never let it show it’s ugly head again.

I guess we should get into what’s been going on. I honestly can’t remember when the last time I wrote was, what it was about, and I didn’t go back and look before starting this. I’m pretty sure I wrote about my brother being a dick. I still want nothing to do with him, but I did see him on Christmas. It was fine but I can’t stand hypocrites. Once a year will be fine though.

My father friend requested me on Facebook. I left it alone for a couple days before declining. I just don’t know. I don’t see a benefit in having contact with him. I don’t see a benefit in him knowing what’s going on in my life. And frankly I don’t give a crap about what’s going on in his. The thing is, every time he talks to me he just wants to talk shit about what happened and about my mom. I don’t want to talk about that. I want to move past that. If you want to better your relationship with your kids, let go of the past and actually be a better father.

I’ve been avoiding the next subject for a while now. I have about 10 drafted blogs that start to talk about this but I haven’t been able to find the words to finish them. Whatever I come up with, I’m going to post.

So Joe and I got a puppy! His name is Beedle and he is about 5.5 months old. He’s a supposed golden retriever/yellow lab mix but we are confident he is something else!

I know I talked about this adoption process in an earlier blog but I can’t remember how in depth. To shorten it up, for October and November we were being lied to constantly while our puppy was being mistreated and on death row. At this point we are not sure if our original puppy is even alive.

I will eventually write up a blog about every single thing that happened, but I can’t right now.

We have our baby Beedle though. He is the smartest and sweetest pup we could’ve possibly asked for. Training him has been really easy. We are going to crack down on training and get him to where he needs to be with obedience and everything.

He has brought so much joy to my life. More than I would have ever thought possible. I am so excited to be his mommy!

This adoption brought a lot of stress to our life. We are slowly recovering, and having him in our life is helping.

We ordered a DNA test off amazon. I can’t wait to get the results! We want to take votes on breeds people think he is. It would be a fun game. We might get the result of mixed breed if he’s too much of a mutt, which he very well could be. We really have no definite on his breed!

Some ideas:

Golden Retriever

Labrador Retriever

Beagle

Bloodhound

Great Dane

Pitbull

Shepherd

Terrier

So who really knows ๐Ÿ˜‚.

All I want out of 2018 is justice for this whole ordeal and I hope I get to share that some day. Hopefully some day soon.

I feel like this is keeping me in a depressive slump. I feel generally happy but can’t shake this feeling and it’s because I can’t stop thinking about this. It’s just weighing heavy on my mind. I want to tell the world everything and I can’t.

I’m enjoying my life currently. I have a good job that is looking like it’s going to go permanent for me if I keep working like I have been. I have the most amazing boyfriend and best friend I could ever ask for. He is so supportive of everything I do and I don’t know where I’d be without him. We started a family with our little buddy Beedle. He is 150% our child and I love him so much! My absolute favorite is morning snuggles on the weekends ๐Ÿถ๐Ÿพ The amount of love in my heart for Joe is overwhelming. I never thought that feeling could double. My heart is just constantly flooded with love for my little family ๐Ÿ’๐Ÿถ๐Ÿ’š We are doing better financially. The holidays kind of kicked our asses but I’m feeling comfortable with how things have been.

All I can hope for is that this good life transfers over into 2018. I want to continue bettering my life and enjoying it to the fullest. Happy New Year โค๏ธ

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F O C U S E D

Another daily prompt. I actually like these a lot. It gives me something to write about on days like today when my mind is completely blank.

My mind hasn’t been blank in a very long time. It feels pretty damn good to not be thinking about anything (right now). I’m just hanging out at work, listening to a lot of music I haven’t heard in a while. I’m just enjoying myself.

Today’s word of the day is focused, something I feel like I haven’t been in a long time. My mind is always wandering, I’m always thinking about things. To actually have a day where I feel like I can focus on the tasks ahead of me is really amazing. Maybe today will actually be a productive day after work.

Until then, I am stuck in this chair, being unproductive. It’s relatively slow at my job right now because they just hired a shit ton of people for the open enrollment period, so now there are double the people working on the same stuff. Its getting done really quick, so we end up having nothing to do for the rest of the day. Open enrollment will change that, but is still over a month away.

I try to keep myself occupied at work but its hard because they have so many restrictions on what you can and cant do. Honestly, I probably shouldn’t even be on WordPress, but no one has said anything yet so I will keep doing it. It’ll keep me busy, keep me sane, and help the day move along a little faster.

I started reading a series of novels by Ursula K. Le Guin after reading an article about her blog. The person who wrote the article had described her series called the Hainish Cycle, and it completely drew me in. I had to go on Amazon and buy it immediately. I read what I believe to be the first book in the series, but I’m still not entirely sure. It’s ย called Rocannon’s World, and it was one of the best books I’ve read in a very long time. If you like science fiction, or just reading in general, I would highly recommend it. It has helped me in my down time at work, and I’m really looking forward to reading the rest and more by Le Guin.

I don’t think there is really anything else I want to talk about right now. I guess I just hope I can start feeling better physically now that my mental state is a little bit more stable than it has been this past week or so. Let me focus on that.

 

via Daily Prompt: Focused

Anxiety Always Wins – Not Anymore

My anxiety has been really bad so I wanted to write in the hopes that I find out why. I’ve been having really bad anxiety due to a few things going on in my life all at once.

My period. My sickness. My asthma.

I have really felt like shit for the past week because of all of these things, and on top of trying to feel physically better, I’m an emotional wreck. It’s lovely.

This morning I woke up feeling okay, but to a coughing fit. I slept in the basement which probably wasn’t the best idea for my lungs, since it’s always humid down there and I’m 99.9% sure there is mold somewhere down there. So I probably didn’t help my situation too much, but it was easier to sleep down in the basement rather than up in the bed. My coughing fit this morning woke up my boyfriend, who hadn’t slept well that night, so that made me feel kind of shitty too. I never thought I’d be the person in the relationship to be the one who always wakes up my significant other, but its been happening a lot lately.

I have been taking all sorts of different medicines, allergy medicine, OTC cold & flu medicines, teas, pills, etc. I’ve tried everything and my cough is FINALLY breaking up after taking Mucinex over the weekend. Mucinex is the only thing that actually seems to be helping so I stopped everything else and am only taking that.

I’ve had to use my inhaler so often during this sickness. The slightest bit of energy exertion completely destroys me when I’m sick because of asthma. A simple walk up stairs takes my breath away almost completely and I have to use my inhaler to keep breathing, or spend the next 10 minutes to an hour catching my breath depending on the severity. The issue with this cold is I am producing a ridiculous amount of mucus and its affecting my asthma way worse. I can’t cough up the mucus just yet so I’ve just been having an overall difficult time to breath, even when my lungs seem to be working properly.

It feels pretty similar to the issue I had last year, when I got sick and actually developed asthma. I haven’t had asthma attacks this bad since that time, so I’m assuming it’s just going to be kinda shitty any time I get sick for the rest of my life. At least with anything respiratory related. I need to go to the doctor to talk about it more and get a regular inhaler instead of the rescue inhaler I’ve been using. What I really need to do it get a new primary doctor so I can actually do all these things I always talk about doing.

It’s a little hard to take time off from work right now because I’m on a 90 day period where I can’t get time off approved, so any absences I have go against my attendance score. Maybe I can find a doctor who is open on Saturdays for regular appointments, but it just seems really unlikely.

Today on my lunch break at work I got a call from my boyfriend. He was really upset and I always feel so bad cause I can’t do anything to comfort him over the phone. All I can do is talk and I’m not really good at that in situations like today. I also don’t feel good myself so it was a little hard to focus on anything anyway, which made everything that much more difficult.

I have felt nauseous today, holding back throwing up several times. My bowels are screaming to me that I’m sick with some sort of stomach bug now. So I went from my period to a cold to a stomach bug, all while dealing with my anxiety and asthma. How am I not dead?

My overall mood has been surprisingly positive. I think it’s because all other aspects of my life right now are going really well. My relationships are all in good standing, my finances are under control, I’m working towards my future, I’m doing amazing at my new job and my supervisors are recognizing that. Life is pretty damn good right now. But I can’t help but get in moods of extreme depression and anxiety, to the point where I can’t stop shaking and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry then die. It keeps happening at random times, at any place. It’s gotten to the point now where I haven’t had an appetite in a few days and want to throw up anything I can choke down. These are always the worst times. I would deal with depression and anxiety every day for the rest of my life if I could just stop losing my appetite because of it. When I lose my appetite and stop eating, it causes a ridiculous amount of other problems for me. Particularly, I can’t poop, I feel like I’m developing a UTI, and I get really really weak to the point where I feel like I’ll pass out if I try to go make myself something to eat. It’s disgusting, its frustrating, and it affects my physical health and mental health.

But that’s whats going on today. I have no appetite, I tried choking down my lunch but only could manage a little less than half of it. I wanted to eat breakfast pizza this morning but I couldn’t bring myself to actually go through with it because every time I thought of it I wanted to throw up. So I had pretzels for breakfast this morning at work and a few spoonfuls of mac n cheese for lunch. I can honestly say I’m making progress when it comes to handling my anxiety, since I am forcing myself to eat today. Normally I would just starve until my appetite came back. I just don’t want to harm myself, I don’t want my anxiety to hurt me anymore, so I’m going to try to choke down dinner later too.

I need to try to keep myself occupied at work. When I have down time and I’m not doing anything I start to think, which leads to overthinking. Anxiety kicks in and all hell breaks loose. I want to stop that from happening.

I hope one day I can actually relax and just rest my brain without it leading to overthinking and anxiety attacks. One day.

Be Good

From a very young age we are told to set goals. These goals are usually on a timeline, and are pretty generalized from the beginning. They may develop into more specific goals as you get older and figure out what it is you really want from life, but I feel like people don’t always get to that point in there life. This one is for those people, including myself.

The goals people set for themselves are generally the same across the board. Get an education, get a career, fall in love, get married, have kids, live happily ever after. Riiiight.

These goals and this life that we are practically expected to live is just not realistic. We are human, we have individuality. We can’t be limited to one set of goals, but society likes to make it seem like we are. I promise, you’re not limited.

This blog was sparked by another blog I had just read that started making me think about my life, my goals, and whether or not I’ve reached them. It made me realize that at this time in my life I don’t have a single goal. I don’t know what I want from life, if anything. I don’t know where I want to be right now, and I don’t know where I want to be in the future. And that’s okay.

So, just like the blog linked above, I’m going to reflect on my goals from high school, 5 years ago. But I’m going to talk about my goals during high school first.

I remember in Freshman year my English teacher had us write our future selves a letter. In this letter we had to list our goals, and during our Senior year we would get these letters back and see what we have accomplished in our high school career. I was really excited about it, and honestly couldn’t wait for the next 4 years of my life to go by so I could see what I accomplished.

If I can recall correctly, my goal was simple. I wanted to graduate high school with a high GPA, and I wanted to make academic merit (I believe that was a 95% GPA or higher, could be wrong) at least for one quarter. I graduated high school (yay!), but I never made academic merit. How did I expect to when I spent my first quarter of high school failing English simply because I didn’t want to do homework? Pft, stupid little freshman.

There was one more goal in my letter that I think I did achieve. I wanted to “be good”.

Now, what does that really even mean? That was left up to me to interpret.

My middle school consisted of 2 grades, 7th and 8th. I know a lot of middle schools have 3 grades, usually including 6th, but mine only had 2. That is irrelevant to this story, but my middle school science teacher told us at the end of 8th grade, to “be good”.

He told us a story that I can’t really remember too much of, but it had to do with his father constantly telling him to be good. He didn’t really understand what that meant, because he felt he was good, and his brother was never told that, and was never good. He asked his father why he tells him to be good when he always is, and in all honestly I can’t remember why, but the moral of the story was to literally do what you were told, and be good.

Be good in everything you do. Put in 100% of your effort into the things that you do and that you want to accomplish. Be good to yourself, to your friends, family, strangers. Be good. Do what’s right. Do what you believe to be good.

This stuck with me this whole time, almost 10 years later. Whether or not it was a true story doesn’t matter. It stuck, I wanted to be good. And I truly believe I have reached that goal and will continue to do so throughout the rest of my life.

Everything that I have done in my life I have tried to do the right way. I am kind to everyone that I meet, and help anyone that I can. I obey the law, follow the unwritten rules. I show up to work on time, I do what I’m supposed to. I try my best to care for myself and my loved ones. I respect nature, I respect the life I’ve been given and try not to abuse any privileges I have. I try not to take anything for granted. Being good is hard, it really is, but I’m doing it.

When I was in my senior year, reading my letter to myself, I reflected on the things that had happened specifically that made me feel like I achieved that goal, my friend circle. In elementary school and middle school, I befriended a couple people that I would later find to be terrible people. Since 6th grade, the one friend was really rude to others all the time. She would always talk to me about another girls’ weight in class, and I never understood why. In middle school, it was her and another girl that I was close with. Both terribly judgmental and just all around negative people. When I got to high school and set that goal to “be good”, I dropped my friends like a hot pan and found another group of people who turned out to be amazing. There was definitely still typical friend drama, but they were all genuinely kind-hearted souls.

I’m proud to say I made friends with good people, and in turn I think they helped me reach my goal. I really believe that the people you associate yourself with affects your life directly. Some people can befriend all types of people and still remain the same humble person that they are. But most people’s personalities, likes, dislikes, etc, can be molded based on the kind of people that person hangs out with. At this point in my life I feel like I have a very accurate perception of people and can limit my contact with negative people and befriend good people. Whenever I get bad vibes about someone, some future event proves me to be right, so I’ve stuck by my gut.

Unfortunately, reaching my goal in high school did not mean that I would make viable goals and reach them after high school. Let’s talk about those.

My goals after high school were very standard. Go to college, become an Earth Science teacher, move out of the house and potentially the state, and somewhere within the chaos of life, fall in love and get married. I never wanted kids, so that was never a part of my goal (and still isn’t), but I know a lot of other people have that on their list.

So, what did I accomplish? Nothing. I’m technically moved out of my house, but my legal address is still my mom’s house, so I’m not counting it, especially since my rent has been non-existent for my whole life, up until October 2017 where I’ll start paying only $100/month. That reminds me, I only have 10 more days living rent free. Adulting sucks!

I almost achieved my goal of falling in love and getting married, but I cannot express enough how glad I am that I didn’t. We’ll leave the rest of that in the past, but I am happy to say that now I actually reached half of that goal by falling in love. I’m madly in love with my boyfriend, like it’s the real deal this time. It’s the nicest feeling in the world to be in real love. We can worry about the marriage thing when we’re ready for that chapter of our lives.

I didn’t go to college, I’m never going to be a teacher unless I get some job that doesn’t require a degree that is a training position. That’s okay though, because I don’t want to be a teacher anymore. I stopped wanting to be a teacher 5 years ago.

I am honestly glad I didn’t reach the goals that I set for myself after high school, because they were unrealistic for me from the beginning. I was never going to go to college, I fell out of love with teaching while I was coming to the end of my senior year. Without a steady income or a hefty savings account, you can’t (you can, but shouldn’t) move out, especially to a new state. And you can’t force yourself to fall in love, and shouldn’t get married for any reason other than love. Why I thought these were achievable goals for me was simple, society said that’s how it should be.

When we are all setting the same goals like that, something is wrong. We set these silly rules and expectations that we all must follow or we won’t be “normal”. We will be different and different is bad in society’s eyes. But normal is bad in my eyes. Why would I set goals for myself that I couldn’t possibly reach, or if I did reach them I would be unhappy, I wouldn’t be myself. Why would anyone want that for themselves? We don’t.

I challenge anyone who reads this to really think about the goals that you have set for yourself. Throw them away if you have to, completely start over. Set new goals for yourself, goals that actually pertain to you. Don’t generalize them, specify them. And if you don’t achieve your goal, extend the date! Or don’t set a date at all. Don’t give up! You have your whole life ahead of you to accomplish what you need to. Make sure it is truly what you want and need for yourself to be truly happy.

And remember, be good.