At my appointment with my therapist last week I talked about something that’s been on my mind and affecting my life for the past 2 years. She asked me to explain everything in full detail, so I did and it made me realize a lot of things. I was able to look at this problem from a different angle and see why it was a problem in the first place. I also discovered what about this is causing me pain and I’m working at getting through that.
My therapist asked me to write about my feelings about this new found discovery, more than just being hurt. So I’ve been thinking a lot about this and I know why these things hurt me and how they make me feel.
A couple of my siblings have expressed their dislike in the way that I handled my break up with my ex fiancé, and I never really understood why. Now I have my theories on why these siblings are stuck on this, after discussing things with my therapist, and I’m slowly learning why they are causing me so much pain.
When my siblings told me their feelings they compared me to my father and that really upset me. It made me feel like a piece of shit, like the lowest of the low, undeserving of life. That’s how I feel about my father and that’s how I would see anyone who was compared to be like him. To have that coming from your family is even worse. Especially my brother, he was always someone I could talk to and would give me advice when I needed it. To hear him say that really just through me off. At this point after reflecting on everything I know he is just the biggest hypocrite anyway and my life is better off without him. As for my sister, her situation is a little different. She said things along the same line as what my brother said but I can’t just cut her out of my life like I did with him. She’s a hypocrite too and I’ve been ridding my life of negative people but she holds the majority of our family get togethers. If I cut her out I won’t be seeing my family on thanksgiving and Christmas. I can’t do that.
So for now I’m just dealing with it. That’s the attitude I have towards a lot of things. I’ve been anxious about my living situation. I’m very fortunate for my living situation but I’m getting to the point in my life where I want to be out on my own with my boyfriend and my dog. We have been talking about it a lot lately and are both very eager to get this show on the road. With time that will come, so for now we have to just deal with the little things. In the long run it will all be worth it. I’m just going to deal with it when it comes to my sister. I will be civil with her. I love my niece and nephews and want to be a part of their lives. I told her to stay in touch with me about their events so I can go, but I just missed my nephews birthday. I really don’t have an excuse, I just forgot. I have been really stressed out and wasn’t thinking about anything like that this weekend. I wish my phone actually had an alert on the calendar. I always set it up but it never seems to work. I need to figure that out since anxiety likes to make my brain focus on all the things that don’t even fucking matter. I’m going to text my sister sometime this week to see if I can come visit and talk to her.
The biggest thing that happened this past week really made me feel good. That sounds crazy to say because it’s about my other brother and his fiancé ending their engagement. That doesn’t sound like a feel good thing.
This past Tuesday, the day before my appointment, my brother called me late at night. I missed his call, an an hour had passed so I just texted him asking what was up. He finally responded on Friday morning saying he would call me after he got out of work that night. I never hear from my siblings like this. It was very strange that he wanted to talk on the phone that bad.
He finally called and told me him and his (ex)fiancé broke up. He said he wanted to call me because I’ve been through this kind of thing and he wanted to just tell me that he understands now. He said he was unhappy and couldn’t see himself marrying someone unhappy. I told him I was happy he realized this before marrying her and I hope he finds the one he needs to find. He says it might be sooner than we think…! I don’t know what that means exactly but I’m happy for him.
It felt good to know one of my siblings truly understood where I was coming from. The fact that this has happened within my immediate family twice within 2 years also made me feel better that maybe my siblings might see this as something that’s not so terrible. I hope that they treat him better than they’ve treated me, and if he brings in another girl sooner rather than later, I hope they are more accepting of her than they were to Joe.
That’s one thing that bothers me the most. I have been uncomfortable bringing Joe around my family who feels this way. It’s not fair to him for them to judge our relationship based on my past. My past shouldn’t matter to them. I also learn from my mistakes so for them to think I’m going to make the same mistakes as I have in the past just goes to show their own views on themselves and their inability to learn from their mistakes.
I honestly can’t wait for my next therapy appointment. I’m hoping this ends a lot of the anxiety I’ve been having about this and I can finally move on from it completely.