Facebook was actually beneficial…

Today is my day off so I’m getting some stuff done. Applying for jobs, cleaning the house, and continuing to downsize to get ready for tiny house living. 

I love when I feel productive on my days off. Depression and anxiety are literally crippling, so to not have it affecting me for once is always nice. I’m trying hard to not let it control my life but damn it’s hard. 

I had a little moment last night where I feel like I understand why my anxiety and depression have gotten so bad over the last year or so. It’s because my life got good. Doesn’t make much sense, right? Wrong. 

Facebook was actually beneficial to me for once in my life. Social media is the devil of the internet. Social media causes us to view the world in a completely different way than we should be. It allows us to be jealous and hateful towards each other and glamorize our shitty little lives. I am 150% addicted to social media and won’t be leaving anytime soon, but I am fully aware that it puts me in a bad mood sometimes.

Once in a while someone will post something worth reading. Humans of New York is a Facebook page by Brandon Stanton. It’s a photo blog that tells the real life stories of people, not only in New York City, but all over the world. Recently Brandon posted a story of a man who has had his fair share of hardships in his life and he is currently struggling with anxiety and panic attacks, even though those hardships have left his life. He said he’s been dealing with them for so long now that he’s not sure how to handle the quiet. 

Holy. Fucking. Shit. 

I have NEVER related to something that HONY has posted, or anyone has posted really. I haven’t been able to understand what has been going on in my life. I haven’t been able to figure out why these things were happening when my life has gotten so good over the last year. I have an amazing boyfriend with an amazing family who loves and cares for me like their own. My own family has been through a lot but those problems have been long gone and we are all recovered/recovering. I have a job, I’m paying off my debt, I’m planning and preparing for my future. I can honestly say my life is good. My life is so good, so why am I so not…

The chaos that I’ve dealt with for a good chunk of my life is gone and I have been so occupied with it that now I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know how to just let my guard down and accept the fact that my life has gotten better, that I’m safe now. No ones going to hurt me anymore, no one is going to try to control my life anymore. I’m no longer fighting every day to defend myself from these demons that I have lived with for so long. 

Now that I feel like I’ve found out why this is all happening, I feel like I can have more control over it. I can acknowledge everything good in my life when I’m feeling down. I can keep the shitty memories at bay and hopefully slowly but surely forget them. I don’t have to let these demons continue tormenting me. They are gone, done with, out of my life for good. I don’t have to let them back in. I can’t. 

It’s a good feeling when I have these little revelations because it gives me some sort of sense of control in my life. It has been an absolute roller coaster ride and I just want to get off this damn thing. I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

I know I will still have my bad days, some way worse than others. I will still feel suicidal, I will still lose motivation to do anything at all. This isn’t going to get better overnight just because I realized what might be going on. It’s going to take a lot of time and a lot of work to get better but I want to get better. I want to be myself again. 

I will be myself again. 

I’m done counting…

It’s been quite some time since I’ve written anything. I’m a fucking mess. 

I can’t escape my own head. I am absolutely my own worst enemy. I don’t want to be anymore. I want to be able to shut my brain off. The only time I can ever do that is when I’m sleeping, and even then my dreams don’t help the situation. I’m exhausted and no one knows why but I do. I’m depressed and my anxiety is controlling my life. 

I feel like I’m officially at the point in depression where I don’t want to do anything. Nothing at all. I don’t want to be alive, I don’t want to exist anymore. Fuck it’s a shitty feeling. To constantly think about how much relief I would get out of being dead is not only terrifying but it’s not fucking normal. No one should ever feel this way and I feel it on a daily basis. I don’t know what to do anymore and if I think of something I’m afraid it’s too late. I have no motivation. I have been forcing myself to do things, normal basic daily tasks and fun hobbies. Forcing myself. That’s not normal. I shouldn’t have to force myself to do daily tasks and especially things that I should be enjoying. 

I felt like I was getting better but the suicidal thoughts never really leave. It’s not necessarily thinking of ways to do it, I never do that. I just think it would be a great thing if I was dead. I just want to be dead. 

My job has been extremely stressful and I know that’s not helping. I think that when/if my job straightens itself out it will help a little but barely make a difference. I’m just going to work, getting shit done, and coming home. Trying not to let it get to me but it does. I get home and all I think about it work. Last night I had to tell myself to stop thinking about work because I was trying to go to sleep and couldn’t get my mind to stop running. I can’t seem to turn off work once I leave the building. It just follows me home. I know my brain is weak and tired right now and things are just really bad there but I’m hoping it gets better. I don’t mind the job and want to keep working there but my mental health is at stake (again).

Something that’s really been getting to me the past couple days is the fact that I ran into the guy who decided it would be a good idea to rape me 5 years ago. 5 fucking years. I haven’t seen this “man” in 5 fucking years and was finally feeling like that night that completely destroyed me wasn’t anymore. And now it is again. 

I forgot what he looked like and now I know again. I close my eyes and I see his face. I try not to think about it but it’s all I can think about. I broke down at work thinking about it. I keep zoning out and not listening to others because I can’t stop thinking about it. That was the worst night of my life and the worst relationship I’ve ever been in and I just had the worst flashback when I saw him. 

I don’t know what to do anymore. 

Day 28/29

Yesterday and today were decent days. 

The past week or so has sort of been a wake up call. I have been in a very bad place this week. Some things happened that I would rather not write about but I wanted to reflect on what the outcome of those situations were. 

Like I said, it’s been a bad week. My boyfriends mom has actually gone through exactly what I’m going through. She also has a similar background relating to the “trauma” we both have faced. So she just really understands. I’m not saying other people I talk to don’t understand, but they don’t fully get it. They don’t know what it’s like to have had an abusive father, to know their rapist is still running around the streets probably ruining other girls’ lives too. They don’t know what it’s like to actually want to die, even when you are completely content with life. They don’t know that trusting people is nearly impossible for me. They don’t know that my brain messes with me so bad that I create giant problems out of tiny little things that wouldn’t normally matter on a good day. But my boyfriends mom has been through it, she knows almost exactly how I feel. 

I talked to her about everything after a really bad night/freak out/panic attack/suicidal feeling and it made me feel better practically instantly. Just talking to someone who has been through the same thing and truly understands, and someone who is now better really gave me hope. It lifted my spirits up so high that I actually feel better. I feel like it’s just not going to be bad anymore. I feel like I will be able to handle any situations way better. Obviously I can’t predict the future so I have no idea if I’m suddenly “better”, but I feel pretty amazing right now. 

I called my doctor today and made an appointment to talk to him about everything that’s been going on. Last time I mentioned it I didn’t necessarily tell how bad it actually was. I need to actually tell him what’s going on so he can actually help me. 

I don’t know if I want to do therapy honestly. I really just feel like if I open up to people around me more it will help me just as good as a therapist would. And for free and waaaaaaay less nerve racking. I will see what my doctor thinks. Maybe he will just prescribe a pill. 

I also took a St. John’s Wort pill. It’s just a natural mood enhancer herb. I don’t know if it worked because I think I threw it up before it got into my system. The pill didn’t make me throw up, so I’m considering trying it again if I wake up one morning feeling like it’s going to be a bad day. 

But the past 2 days have been pretty good. Things are looking up so I’m going to try to enjoy this wave of happiness. I think the majority of January and February I am going to be very happy. I am going on vacation in February, so I’m gonna be happy for like 2 weeks while cruising to Mexico while everyone back in Rochester freezes. I hope there’s a blizzard when we are gone 😂. But not really, because I hate when my mom has to shovel the driveway 😳. 

This month I am going to start tanning too. I hate tanning, it’s scary. I’m putting myself at such a risk for skin cancer and I actually have a spot that I would like to get checked out for cancer. But I’m a young dumb girl who is going on vacation next month. I am a very very pasty person. My winter skin tone is so sickly and ghostly white. So I will FRY in Mexico! I have to start tanning a month before to gradually build a tan instead of burning myself. I just don’t want to burn. But anyway, tanning always makes me happy. Being in a warm cozy little enclosed bed and coming out gorgeous is the best feeling ever. I really love tanning because I have freckles scattered across the bridge of my nose and my cheeks and the tops of my shoulders. When I tan they really pop and I love it!! I just think it’s so cute, call me cocky. 

So I’ll be tanning until vacation then having a blast for 2 weeks with my amazing boyfriend, his cool best friend, and his awesome family! I’m so excited to be surrounded by such a great group of people for a nice long vacation. 

After vacation, it’s serious job hunting time. I am broke. I am really broke. I am depending on my tax return to get myself back on my feet and find a job. 

I am going to give a local bus garage a call about being a school bus driver. It’s part time, it’s pretty laid back and easy, I’d be keeping kids safe, doing something a little more meaningful, and the pay is really good. They also pay you during training in which they provide you with what you need to get your CDL, for free! 

My boyfriend and I would like to have a job driving a truck so already having my CDL would be amazing. 

There is just a lot of stuff going on that seems so good. 


Niagara Falls walk on New Years Day. 💚

Day 8

I’ve been avoiding writing this blog because of how bad today was.

I knew as soon as I woke up that it was going to be a bad day, and I think that made things worse than they needed to be. I don’t really want to go into detail but I got really upset over something that wasn’t a big deal at all. I should have handled the situation way differently. 

I ended up scaring my boyfriend into thinking I was going to kill myself because I wanted to go for a drive. The whole situation was bad and I really don’t even want to think about it. But in that moment, I did want to kill myself. I am sick of getting in these moods and having to overreact to every little thing. I can’t control it and I feel like I’m a completely different person. I feel like a monster. I don’t want to go through these episodes anymore, and that is why I have suicidal thoughts. 

I hate it, but it’s something I’m going to have to deal with for a little while longer. Once I’m all healed up everything else will stop. These crazy mood swings will stop. 

I really fear that one day I’m going to be so terrible that it ends up breaking me and my boyfriend up. I would be completely devastated if that happened. I need to control it for the sake of our relationship. I know he says he’s there for me and we will get through everything, you just never know. I can’t risk losing him. 

I finally calmed down and apologized to my boyfriend. I want to keep apologizing. I feel like a complete asshole who doesn’t deserve him. 

I really hope tomorrow is a better day. Today was a mess. 

Photo by my boyfriend