Facebook was actually beneficial…

Today is my day off so I’m getting some stuff done. Applying for jobs, cleaning the house, and continuing to downsize to get ready for tiny house living. 

I love when I feel productive on my days off. Depression and anxiety are literally crippling, so to not have it affecting me for once is always nice. I’m trying hard to not let it control my life but damn it’s hard. 

I had a little moment last night where I feel like I understand why my anxiety and depression have gotten so bad over the last year or so. It’s because my life got good. Doesn’t make much sense, right? Wrong. 

Facebook was actually beneficial to me for once in my life. Social media is the devil of the internet. Social media causes us to view the world in a completely different way than we should be. It allows us to be jealous and hateful towards each other and glamorize our shitty little lives. I am 150% addicted to social media and won’t be leaving anytime soon, but I am fully aware that it puts me in a bad mood sometimes.

Once in a while someone will post something worth reading. Humans of New York is a Facebook page by Brandon Stanton. It’s a photo blog that tells the real life stories of people, not only in New York City, but all over the world. Recently Brandon posted a story of a man who has had his fair share of hardships in his life and he is currently struggling with anxiety and panic attacks, even though those hardships have left his life. He said he’s been dealing with them for so long now that he’s not sure how to handle the quiet. 

Holy. Fucking. Shit. 

I have NEVER related to something that HONY has posted, or anyone has posted really. I haven’t been able to understand what has been going on in my life. I haven’t been able to figure out why these things were happening when my life has gotten so good over the last year. I have an amazing boyfriend with an amazing family who loves and cares for me like their own. My own family has been through a lot but those problems have been long gone and we are all recovered/recovering. I have a job, I’m paying off my debt, I’m planning and preparing for my future. I can honestly say my life is good. My life is so good, so why am I so not…

The chaos that I’ve dealt with for a good chunk of my life is gone and I have been so occupied with it that now I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know how to just let my guard down and accept the fact that my life has gotten better, that I’m safe now. No ones going to hurt me anymore, no one is going to try to control my life anymore. I’m no longer fighting every day to defend myself from these demons that I have lived with for so long. 

Now that I feel like I’ve found out why this is all happening, I feel like I can have more control over it. I can acknowledge everything good in my life when I’m feeling down. I can keep the shitty memories at bay and hopefully slowly but surely forget them. I don’t have to let these demons continue tormenting me. They are gone, done with, out of my life for good. I don’t have to let them back in. I can’t. 

It’s a good feeling when I have these little revelations because it gives me some sort of sense of control in my life. It has been an absolute roller coaster ride and I just want to get off this damn thing. I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

I know I will still have my bad days, some way worse than others. I will still feel suicidal, I will still lose motivation to do anything at all. This isn’t going to get better overnight just because I realized what might be going on. It’s going to take a lot of time and a lot of work to get better but I want to get better. I want to be myself again. 

I will be myself again. 

I’m done counting…

It’s been quite some time since I’ve written anything. I’m a fucking mess. 

I can’t escape my own head. I am absolutely my own worst enemy. I don’t want to be anymore. I want to be able to shut my brain off. The only time I can ever do that is when I’m sleeping, and even then my dreams don’t help the situation. I’m exhausted and no one knows why but I do. I’m depressed and my anxiety is controlling my life. 

I feel like I’m officially at the point in depression where I don’t want to do anything. Nothing at all. I don’t want to be alive, I don’t want to exist anymore. Fuck it’s a shitty feeling. To constantly think about how much relief I would get out of being dead is not only terrifying but it’s not fucking normal. No one should ever feel this way and I feel it on a daily basis. I don’t know what to do anymore and if I think of something I’m afraid it’s too late. I have no motivation. I have been forcing myself to do things, normal basic daily tasks and fun hobbies. Forcing myself. That’s not normal. I shouldn’t have to force myself to do daily tasks and especially things that I should be enjoying. 

I felt like I was getting better but the suicidal thoughts never really leave. It’s not necessarily thinking of ways to do it, I never do that. I just think it would be a great thing if I was dead. I just want to be dead. 

My job has been extremely stressful and I know that’s not helping. I think that when/if my job straightens itself out it will help a little but barely make a difference. I’m just going to work, getting shit done, and coming home. Trying not to let it get to me but it does. I get home and all I think about it work. Last night I had to tell myself to stop thinking about work because I was trying to go to sleep and couldn’t get my mind to stop running. I can’t seem to turn off work once I leave the building. It just follows me home. I know my brain is weak and tired right now and things are just really bad there but I’m hoping it gets better. I don’t mind the job and want to keep working there but my mental health is at stake (again).

Something that’s really been getting to me the past couple days is the fact that I ran into the guy who decided it would be a good idea to rape me 5 years ago. 5 fucking years. I haven’t seen this “man” in 5 fucking years and was finally feeling like that night that completely destroyed me wasn’t anymore. And now it is again. 

I forgot what he looked like and now I know again. I close my eyes and I see his face. I try not to think about it but it’s all I can think about. I broke down at work thinking about it. I keep zoning out and not listening to others because I can’t stop thinking about it. That was the worst night of my life and the worst relationship I’ve ever been in and I just had the worst flashback when I saw him. 

I don’t know what to do anymore. 

Day 130

Today was a whole mess of emotions. I woke up feeling decent but I quickly went downhill. I’m not really sure why, nothing specific caused it. 

When I got to work I felt pretty good about just getting through the day and getting back to the hotel. The day seemed to drag on and I felt pretty depressed all day but I kept my composure and continued to impress my bosses. I asked the girl training me if there was anything I could improve on and there was nothing she could suggest. The regional manager spoke with me today and was pretty much bragging about me to me. It definitely sparked up my mood. Getting recognized at this job as been extremely beneficial to my oversensitive mine. 

After work I went back to the hotel and FaceTimed with my boyfriend. It’s nice getting to see him but I really really miss him being with me physically. I miss his touch and his smell and I just want to be on his arm right now, not in a lonely hotel room. 

I grabbed dinner at Applebee’s and went back to the hotel and talked to my boyfyriend more. He went to bed early so I’ve just been scrolling through social media. 

I’m really tired and homesick and I can’t wait until 3:30 tomorrow so I can start driving home. I’m going to go straight home after work and my boyfriend wants to have a nice dinner ready for me. Screw the food, I just want to jump into his arms. 

I’m going to head to bed now. I’m feeling a little off so I hope I feel better in the morning. Just one more shift and I get to fall back into my normal life. 

Goodnight world. 

Day 110-129

Slack-a-lackin on these posts. 

It’s been 129 days since I’ve started this blog, since I’ve felt so weak and so empowered all at the same time. I finally gained the strength to start doing something about my depression and anxiety. How am I feeling today? Anxious. As. Fuck. 

I’m 3 hours away from home, family, friends, my boyfriend. Im all alone in a foreign place and I fucking hate it. 

I’m here for work, I’m training to hopefully get promoted…so lets backtrack a little bit to 4/3, the day I started working again since November. 

My first day back to work was pretty scary up until I actually got to work and it was fine. I met 2 other full time employees that were new hires and a few employees that have been working for this company for a while and are relocating to this store. My coworkers for the most part are super nice, there might be a potential sexual harassment situation and another employee who I am absolutely going to have a problem with but other than that, everyone is golden. 

The job itself has been a whole clusterfuck of “what am I doing, why am I doing it, do I want to do it” etc… I am having a less hard time than I thought I would but it’s still harder than I want it to be, for my mental health. 

I feel ok when I’m at work, there was one time when I went in feeling like the lowest of the low, like I was doing everything wrong and I should just stop wasting their time. But then my boss told me that I was doing really well and one of the stock guys thanked me for paying attention to detail and not only fixing people’s mistakes, but showing the other employees and advising management that they might want to touch on that specific thing in training again. My assistant manager has been actually listening to what I want and is willing to make it happen. I have NEVER had management like this. My last job was great, management was even better, but it took much longer for them to recognize my hard work and eventually I got too mentally unstable to even continue with that job. It’s unfortunate, but it’s ok. 

So right now I’m training 3 hours away from home and I’m freaking out. I don’t know why. I just miss my boyfriend, I miss my bed. I miss the comfort of my own home. I miss being able to go to the fridge for food instead of eating out. I bought pizza for lunch today and I’m eating the leftovers for dinner because I absolutely don’t want to leave this hotel room. I’m tired, my feet hurt, my joints hurt in general from being on my feet for 8 hours. 

These all seem like little things, even to me. I wish they didn’t affect me so much, so poorly. I wish I could be excited about being here and I’m really excited for this promotion, I just can’t wait til I’m back in my own town. 

I honestly think I’d be ok if I had someone here, I feel like I’m the biggest threat to myself when I’m alone. I still think about killing myself occasionally, and it’s been more frequent since I’ve been here. I don’t want to die, I just want to sleep for a very very long time…maybe forever. 

I’m trying to keep myself occupied but it’s really hard when you’re alone for 16 hours out of the day. Luckily I sleep for like 6 of those 16 hours but 10 is still too much time to think. I just wanna go home. 

I get to go home on Thursday after work. I should be leaving around 3 and I’m probably just gonna head straight home from work and just dive into my boyfriends arms. I miss him soooo much more than I expected. I obviously expected to miss him, but I literally want to cry just typing this. I love this man so fucking much it physically hurts to be away from him. Call me obsessed! I don’t care, I am 150% addicted to this man. 

I think I’m just going to stay in tonight and relax before a fun filled day of training tomorrow. My shift is a little later tomorrow which sucks, but it’s only by an hour. It makes the day feel 10 hours longer though! I love early shifts. The girl who is training me is super awesome too. She’s my age, and she told me she was afraid I was going to be some old crotchety lady like most are in that department. Its just so much better that I’ve been working with people my age. It makes the work environment much more comfortable for some reason. 

So back to the employees I’m having trouble with… there’s one guy who has brought up a sexual harassment charge on him from his old job multiple times and he’s a very handsy person. I just don’t want him putting his hands on me or on anyone else, especially with a history like that. I’m not even sure why you would tell people that someone reported you for sexual harassment, then proceed to put your hands in places they don’t belong. I am going to talk to my manager about it and see what happens. 

The other guy I’m having trouble with is this punky kid my age who I’m pretty sure is just hardcore into drugs and alcohol. I’m ok if you want to have a little fun on the weekends, fine whatever, but this kid comes in looking like he’s on drugs, complained about the “don’t come to work smelling like alcohol or you will be investigated” rule, and is he laziest employee I have ever met at any job. Ever. He is abusing the break system which I absolutely will mention to my manager, and he takes any opportunity he gets to slack off. I have always been a hard worker and it pisses me off that employees can get away with such laziness like that. If you don’t wanna be there, leave! They’re not paying you to stand around and do nothing. 

I don’t like getting people fired, I don’t want these people to lose their jobs but if you’re bad for the company then peace the fuck out. 

Enough about work, I need to talk about me. Over the past month or so I’ve felt more in control of my mental state than I have in a very long time. But it’s still sooo bad. I know this isn’t an overnight healing process, I know that I have about 10 years of fucked up history built up and it’s not going to go away anytime soon. I am just getting so fed up with feeling any type of depression, just wanting to break down and cry my eyes out for no reason whatsoever, or for reasons that are so ridiculous or completely made up in my head. I don’t want to feel anxious to the point where I can’t function normally. I can’t fucking poop normal when I’m anxious. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t hold a conversation or even keep my attention on something long enough to comprehend whatever it is that’s going on. I don’t want to feel that way anymore. For the most part I don’t, but every now and then, including now, I just want to break down. 

I think I’m just going to try relaxing for the night. It might be an early night for me, I’m really tired from today. I wanna get up early and grab Denny’s before work too, so the earlier I get to sleep the better. 

I know I’ve said this 100 times before but I’m going to try to write these every day. Bye for now 

Day 4

Today I was able to sleep in a little bit. It was very well needed. My boyfriend wasn’t feeling too good again so I comforted him. After he started feeling a bit better we just spent the morning playing video games. We have been trying to get healthier physically too so we worked out together and started to keep a little exercise log so we can track our progress. I think it’s gonna help us to keep going with it. I’m really proud of how well we have been doing, especially my boyfriend. We got into the habit of making excuses to not go to the gym and to go eat out. Now we are exercising and eating good meals in. Our wallets are pretty thankful.

I think working on my physical health is going to help me continue to have better moods and feel more energized. When I get into the depressing or anxious moods, I lose all motivation to do anything. I just want to curl up in a ball on the couch or in bed and sleep. Over the past couple days I think exercising and eating better has already improved my energy levels and overall mood. I just have to remember I need to take care of my body and that will help me take care of my mind.

All of these good days scare me. I’m afraid to get used to them. I’m afraid to let my guard down. It’s weird having your guard up over something that can’t even physically hurt you, but I know depression and anxiety is still there. I can’t heal myself in a couple days, it’s gonna take a long time to be back to myself again. I’m just afraid that I’ll have days, weeks, maybe even months being free of this curse but then it’ll just pop up really bad at the worst time possible. That seems to be how it works on me.

I should take Awolnation’s advice; Never let your fear decide your fate. I shouldn’t let these little fears make me overthink and cause an episode. I need to try to keep those thoughts out of my head. They may seem harmless at first but if you keep thinking something over and over, maybe you’ll start to believe it. I don’t want to believe that I can be okay for a long time and then just be not okay again. I want to believe I WILL be okay for a long time, period.

Anyway, today was just a typical lazy Sunday. Tomorrow is the most hated day of the week, so we’all see what tomorrow’s blog ends up reading.

I’m typing this from my boyfriends phone, so I can’t add a picture so here’s a smiley face πŸ™‚πŸ™ƒ


Day 2

I woke up early again this morning but not entirely from myself. My boyfriend woke up feeling sick so I did my best to make him as comfortable as possible and help him with stuff. Luckily he is feeling better now. We were up bright and early because of it, which was nice because as I mentioned in my last post, I love those mornings :). I just love hanging out with him and it seems like early in the morning and late at night hold our best conversations and memories.

I had to drop my car off at the dealership this morning for some general service. I don’t have a job, so I’m tight on money and probably won’t be able to afford it for January, but I’m gonna try. I love my little car and worked so hard to get it. I would really hate to see it go. My boyfriend wants to turn in his car and share mine and with the discussion we had about it that is the most logical thing to do. I could get into details but I honestly don’t think I’ll care about it down the line when I read this again. I’m just really lucky to have an amazing man in my life who is willing to make changes like that for me. He is the best <3. 

After we dropped off my car we went Christmas shopping. I started not feeling well so we headed back home. I did manage to find my secret Santa a hilarious gag gift though!

I think not feeling well made me a little depressed. I tried my best to keep it down and it worked, I’m just afraid that’s not the best idea. I don’t think it’s a good idea to hold back the feelings that I have. There has to be a better way to release the feelings without just holding them back or covering them up. If I keep doing that it’ll just keep building up and I think that’s how my really bad episodes happen. The suicidal episodes. 

It really is a scary thing when the thought of killing yourself or the thought of being dead doesn’t scare you. A little contradicting, right? I’m afraid I’m not sick enough to go through with it, and that’s the scary part. What if I try and I don’t die? What if I try but I wimp out at the last second and end up only hurting myself and having to live with it? What if I’m not strong enough (or weak enough?) to even have a serious attempt at suicide and I just have to live with these horrid visions of me crashing my car into a tree at 100mph? So, the thought of killing myself and being dead doesn’t scare me. The chance that I might fail and still have to live with this does. That’s terrifying. 

These feelings have been ongoing for a long time. I feel like they’ve gotten a little worse since I’ve gotten a car…maybe because I see it as a way out. Maybe having a vehicle isn’t the best idea for me. Sometimes when I think back on previous suicidal episodes it makes sense as to why I didn’t do it. It wasn’t guaranteed. I could swallow a bunch of pills and go to bed…and wake up in the middle of the night just sick to my stomach. I could hang myself…but whatever I was trying to hang myself from breaks or the rope breaks and I end up with a broken neck, but still living. I could shoot myself, no guns though and I don’t steal. Maybe I am always making excuses  because I don’t actually want to die. Maybe it’s because I’m too smart for my own good and psych myself out by creating all these little “what if” scenarios. At this point in my life, I honestly have no idea. But no matter what I think or visualize in my head, the feelings never seem strong enough to act upon, and that gives me hope. I just need to heal my brain. 

Today I just had a couple moments when I wanted to cry, most of them for good reasons though. I’ve been very sensitive today, so the most random things made me want to tear up. 

One huge thing was when I was talking to my boyfriend about becoming an egg donor. See, I don’t want kids myself. And I absolutely hate that, because I’m fertile. I can have kids, and I just don’t want to. What a waste! What an insult to women who can’t have kids and want them! So I started to fill out an application to become an egg donor. If I don’t want kids myself, the least I can do is help another couple start a family themselves. Hopefully the local hospital here accepts my application and the screenings and background checks go smoothly. I’m very excited. I need things like this in my life. I want my life to have purpose, and this is definitely something I’ve wanted to do for a long time and something that could potentially help a ton of people. 

I can’t really remember the other things that made me really sensitive today but they weren’t bad.  

Now I’m just hanging out with my boyfriend for the rest of the night, snuggling up and watching TV. Another day just getting by. Here’s to tomorrow. Hopefully a slightly better tomorrow. I’d like all my future days to be better than the last. 

 Photo by me 🌾🌼