We’re pregnant! It’s a…

…PUPPY!

My boyfriend and I have adopted a dog! According to the Rescue, she is a 2 month old Akita/Golden Retriever mix. We think she might be mixed with an Australian Shepherd as well, since her color pattern and face doesn’t resemble an Akita too much. She looks like she is very built and her tail curls over her back like an Akita does. She has cute floppy ears like a Golden or Australian Shepherd.

She is the sweetest thing we haven’t even met yet! We love her so much already.

We get to pick her up on Saturday night. As long as all goes as planned, we will head out to get her around 5pm. Hopefully she will be home and getting settled in by 9pm, but we’ve heard stories of the transport getting stuck in traffic and not arriving until midnight. We don’t care, as long as we get to bring her home safely!

I have never been at the stage in a relationship where I would be willing to adopt an animal with that person. This is the first time I’ve ever felt 100% comfortable with committing to a long term thing with another person. I’m so glad we found this sweet girl and I am so excited to raise her with my boyfriend.

The adoption process was a hot mess from the beginning, but we eventually found a Rescue we were very comfortable with and they continuously prove they were the right choice. We fell in love with a Great Pyrenees/Collie mix from another rescue, but she was very quickly adopted. We had interest in another dog from that rescue, but they were very unresponsive. We made several attempts to contact this rescue, and only received a reply after telling them what they were doing wrong. We decided to keep looking for other Rescues.

We came across Global K9 Rescue, based out of Alabama. Very shortly after submitting an inquiry about adopting a dog, they gave us a phone call and explained the Rescue and the process of adopting a dog through the Rescue. Nikole informed us they have adopted out over 400 dogs by using their transportation method. They receive applications and if approved, you get sent an invoice with the adoption donation fee and a contract to sign. They then have the dog we adopted scheduled to be transported to our location of choice, from their list of locations. They have a decent chunk of locations along the east coast if you don’t mind driving a little distance. We got lucky and only live about an hour and a half away from their north-most location. They used to transport dogs to Canada as well, but stopped that because the hassle of crossing the boarder was too much for the Rescue. They inform you and provide the necessary documents to cross the border if you were willing to come into the US to pick up the dog.

We messaged 2 people who previously adopted from this Rescue and they said mostly good things. Anything that was bad they were aware of before agreeing to adopt the dogs. We haven’t had any bad experience with them at this point in time. We have been in contact with the girl who runs the Rescue and she has been extremely responsive and very helpful. She even sent us a video of our puppy when we asked!

We wanted to get a better look at her since the pictures on the website weren’t the best quality. The video proved she is the perfect fit for our family! She is such a happy bouncy puppy. While the other puppies in the video were more interested in the human recording them, ours was jumping around trying to get them to play with her.

We have been puppy-proofing the house. Anything that looks slightly interesting to a puppy we made sure was put away. We had to buy bins for our entertainment system downstairs and for our clothes in the bedroom. We did major cleaning and still have quite a bit to get done before Saturday. I wish we were this motivated to clean at all times, the house looks really good!

We ordered a custom collar for her. It’ll have her name on it and our phone number. We decided on teal and orange and a little football pattern for the Miami Dolphins. She’s gotta rep our favorite team!

Her name from the Rescue is Izzy, but we are changing it to Nymeria. Nymeria is our favorite direwolf from Game of Thrones. Arya is one of my favorite characters, and has been since season 1. She was always a favorite of mine in the books as well. We love the name Nymeria for a dog so we decided on that when we found out we were getting a girl.

This week is going by way too slow. We want her home so badly! She is going to make our lives so much better and bring so much life into the house. We are going to give her the furever home she deserves.

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On my mind…

There has been something weighing heavy on my mind for the past couple days. At this point I don’t really know how to feel about it, but it’s putting a dark cloud over my head. 

My boyfriend and I have been looking into adopting a dog and actually did, but more about that in another post. While going through the adoption process, the rescue we had chosen wanted 4 letters of recommendation since we didn’t have a vet to get a recommendation from them. So my boyfriend decided to ask 2 people he knew and I asked 2 people I knew. It ended up being 4 people he knew, but in all honesty, his family knows us better than my family so it was probably best that way. 

Anyway, I asked my brother if he would write a letter for us. He proceeded to accuse me of abandoning my cat, and saying I should learn to take care of my cat before trying with a dog. When I told him he should asked what’s going on in his sisters life before accusing her of abandoning her pet, and I explained that Jasper (my cat) is living at my moms house because I’m living in a house with people who are allergic to cats and my boyfriend has been looking into shots and treatments to get rid of his allergies so Jasper can move in with us when we move out. I buy my cat special expensive ass cat food because his urine crystallized and he needs to be on that diet for the rest of his life. I bought him a nice brush and brush him when I visit. I buy him and the other family cats flea treatment. I don’t understand how that is abandonment. If I could bring him into my current home, I would. But I would have to confine him to the musty moldy basement and I am NEVER doing that to any animal. 

Anyway, when I told him all of this he said it’s only a matter of time before I leave my boyfriend for the next guy. Don’t believe me?


Now I am pretty sure I openly admitted what happened between me and ex on my blog. I’m pretty sure NONE of my family ever bothered to ask. My oldest sister was there for me when I was going through it all but at that time I barely even knew what was going on. 

Not a single person in my immediate family had any concern for why I actually ended things. They just assumed what they wanted to. It took months for people to start warming up to my current boyfriend. My mom still seems very fake towards him and I actually want to talk to her about it. My younger siblings and a few older siblings are good to him and treat him like he deserves. But then this happened and it just completely through me off guard. 

Not only was that whole situation almost 2 years ago now, but I thought my family moved past this at least like 6 months ago. At least! 

If my brother gave a shit about his sister he would not have acted that way. He would not have just assumed I’m some whore who’s just dick hopping. He would’ve realized how happy my boyfriend now makes me. How much happier I’ve been since I met him is crazy. He’d realize how good my boyfriend is to me and how terrible my ex was for me. He would realize that he has probably made more mistakes this past year than I have in my lifetime, simply because I learn from my mistakes and he doesn’t. At this point in my life, I don’t have time to try to fix everyone, even if it’s my own brother.

The second I had the ability to cut ties with my father was the second my life got significantly better. I’m not afraid to cut ties with negative people in my life, not even family. Maybe he will learn from this mistake, but now it’s just too late. 

I Lost 10 Pounds!

Yay! Right? 

Wrong. 

Lately I’ve been feeling skinnier than normal so I decided to hop on the scale this morning to discover that I had dropped 10 pounds in a week. In a week. 

I dropped 10 pounds in a week from the most unfortunate diet in the world, anxiety.

I know that I haven’t been eating. I’ve been skipping breakfast or just eating a few pretzels or goldfish. I’ve been eating very light meals for lunch, if anything at all, and when I get home from work I can usually scarf down dinner, but it’s not as much as I used to eat. As I write this blog, I’m forcing myself to finish my lunch and it’s making me want to puke. 

When I feel physically sick I don’t want to eat, and that’s what anxiety does to me. It completely destroys my appetite, usually for no reason at all. It prevents me from having normal bodily functions like a normal bowel movement, because there’s no food in me to even process, or not enough food to allow me to poop. 

At this point, I really don’t know what to do. I’m lost. I’ve never been able to force myself to eat when I feel this way, and I don’t see it happening in the future. I will try, but it makes me sick. So I can either eat and be sick or not eat and be sick. I guess I should probably eat. 

I never thought of myself to have any type of eating disorders, but anxiety sure the hell makes me feel like I have one. It is terrible. 

I think I’m going to try to start taking St Johns Wort again to see if that helps keep my anxiety at bay and keeps my appetite. We shall see. 

For now, I gotta start eating. I gotta gain those 10 pounds back, but I am going to take this opportunity to try to gain some muscle instead of fat. Wish me luck!

F O C U S E D

Another daily prompt. I actually like these a lot. It gives me something to write about on days like today when my mind is completely blank.

My mind hasn’t been blank in a very long time. It feels pretty damn good to not be thinking about anything (right now). I’m just hanging out at work, listening to a lot of music I haven’t heard in a while. I’m just enjoying myself.

Today’s word of the day is focused, something I feel like I haven’t been in a long time. My mind is always wandering, I’m always thinking about things. To actually have a day where I feel like I can focus on the tasks ahead of me is really amazing. Maybe today will actually be a productive day after work.

Until then, I am stuck in this chair, being unproductive. It’s relatively slow at my job right now because they just hired a shit ton of people for the open enrollment period, so now there are double the people working on the same stuff. Its getting done really quick, so we end up having nothing to do for the rest of the day. Open enrollment will change that, but is still over a month away.

I try to keep myself occupied at work but its hard because they have so many restrictions on what you can and cant do. Honestly, I probably shouldn’t even be on WordPress, but no one has said anything yet so I will keep doing it. It’ll keep me busy, keep me sane, and help the day move along a little faster.

I started reading a series of novels by Ursula K. Le Guin after reading an article about her blog. The person who wrote the article had described her series called the Hainish Cycle, and it completely drew me in. I had to go on Amazon and buy it immediately. I read what I believe to be the first book in the series, but I’m still not entirely sure. It’s  called Rocannon’s World, and it was one of the best books I’ve read in a very long time. If you like science fiction, or just reading in general, I would highly recommend it. It has helped me in my down time at work, and I’m really looking forward to reading the rest and more by Le Guin.

I don’t think there is really anything else I want to talk about right now. I guess I just hope I can start feeling better physically now that my mental state is a little bit more stable than it has been this past week or so. Let me focus on that.

 

via Daily Prompt: Focused

Anxiety Always Wins – Not Anymore

My anxiety has been really bad so I wanted to write in the hopes that I find out why. I’ve been having really bad anxiety due to a few things going on in my life all at once.

My period. My sickness. My asthma.

I have really felt like shit for the past week because of all of these things, and on top of trying to feel physically better, I’m an emotional wreck. It’s lovely.

This morning I woke up feeling okay, but to a coughing fit. I slept in the basement which probably wasn’t the best idea for my lungs, since it’s always humid down there and I’m 99.9% sure there is mold somewhere down there. So I probably didn’t help my situation too much, but it was easier to sleep down in the basement rather than up in the bed. My coughing fit this morning woke up my boyfriend, who hadn’t slept well that night, so that made me feel kind of shitty too. I never thought I’d be the person in the relationship to be the one who always wakes up my significant other, but its been happening a lot lately.

I have been taking all sorts of different medicines, allergy medicine, OTC cold & flu medicines, teas, pills, etc. I’ve tried everything and my cough is FINALLY breaking up after taking Mucinex over the weekend. Mucinex is the only thing that actually seems to be helping so I stopped everything else and am only taking that.

I’ve had to use my inhaler so often during this sickness. The slightest bit of energy exertion completely destroys me when I’m sick because of asthma. A simple walk up stairs takes my breath away almost completely and I have to use my inhaler to keep breathing, or spend the next 10 minutes to an hour catching my breath depending on the severity. The issue with this cold is I am producing a ridiculous amount of mucus and its affecting my asthma way worse. I can’t cough up the mucus just yet so I’ve just been having an overall difficult time to breath, even when my lungs seem to be working properly.

It feels pretty similar to the issue I had last year, when I got sick and actually developed asthma. I haven’t had asthma attacks this bad since that time, so I’m assuming it’s just going to be kinda shitty any time I get sick for the rest of my life. At least with anything respiratory related. I need to go to the doctor to talk about it more and get a regular inhaler instead of the rescue inhaler I’ve been using. What I really need to do it get a new primary doctor so I can actually do all these things I always talk about doing.

It’s a little hard to take time off from work right now because I’m on a 90 day period where I can’t get time off approved, so any absences I have go against my attendance score. Maybe I can find a doctor who is open on Saturdays for regular appointments, but it just seems really unlikely.

Today on my lunch break at work I got a call from my boyfriend. He was really upset and I always feel so bad cause I can’t do anything to comfort him over the phone. All I can do is talk and I’m not really good at that in situations like today. I also don’t feel good myself so it was a little hard to focus on anything anyway, which made everything that much more difficult.

I have felt nauseous today, holding back throwing up several times. My bowels are screaming to me that I’m sick with some sort of stomach bug now. So I went from my period to a cold to a stomach bug, all while dealing with my anxiety and asthma. How am I not dead?

My overall mood has been surprisingly positive. I think it’s because all other aspects of my life right now are going really well. My relationships are all in good standing, my finances are under control, I’m working towards my future, I’m doing amazing at my new job and my supervisors are recognizing that. Life is pretty damn good right now. But I can’t help but get in moods of extreme depression and anxiety, to the point where I can’t stop shaking and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry then die. It keeps happening at random times, at any place. It’s gotten to the point now where I haven’t had an appetite in a few days and want to throw up anything I can choke down. These are always the worst times. I would deal with depression and anxiety every day for the rest of my life if I could just stop losing my appetite because of it. When I lose my appetite and stop eating, it causes a ridiculous amount of other problems for me. Particularly, I can’t poop, I feel like I’m developing a UTI, and I get really really weak to the point where I feel like I’ll pass out if I try to go make myself something to eat. It’s disgusting, its frustrating, and it affects my physical health and mental health.

But that’s whats going on today. I have no appetite, I tried choking down my lunch but only could manage a little less than half of it. I wanted to eat breakfast pizza this morning but I couldn’t bring myself to actually go through with it because every time I thought of it I wanted to throw up. So I had pretzels for breakfast this morning at work and a few spoonfuls of mac n cheese for lunch. I can honestly say I’m making progress when it comes to handling my anxiety, since I am forcing myself to eat today. Normally I would just starve until my appetite came back. I just don’t want to harm myself, I don’t want my anxiety to hurt me anymore, so I’m going to try to choke down dinner later too.

I need to try to keep myself occupied at work. When I have down time and I’m not doing anything I start to think, which leads to overthinking. Anxiety kicks in and all hell breaks loose. I want to stop that from happening.

I hope one day I can actually relax and just rest my brain without it leading to overthinking and anxiety attacks. One day.

Be Good

From a very young age we are told to set goals. These goals are usually on a timeline, and are pretty generalized from the beginning. They may develop into more specific goals as you get older and figure out what it is you really want from life, but I feel like people don’t always get to that point in there life. This one is for those people, including myself.

The goals people set for themselves are generally the same across the board. Get an education, get a career, fall in love, get married, have kids, live happily ever after. Riiiight.

These goals and this life that we are practically expected to live is just not realistic. We are human, we have individuality. We can’t be limited to one set of goals, but society likes to make it seem like we are. I promise, you’re not limited.

This blog was sparked by another blog I had just read that started making me think about my life, my goals, and whether or not I’ve reached them. It made me realize that at this time in my life I don’t have a single goal. I don’t know what I want from life, if anything. I don’t know where I want to be right now, and I don’t know where I want to be in the future. And that’s okay.

So, just like the blog linked above, I’m going to reflect on my goals from high school, 5 years ago. But I’m going to talk about my goals during high school first.

I remember in Freshman year my English teacher had us write our future selves a letter. In this letter we had to list our goals, and during our Senior year we would get these letters back and see what we have accomplished in our high school career. I was really excited about it, and honestly couldn’t wait for the next 4 years of my life to go by so I could see what I accomplished.

If I can recall correctly, my goal was simple. I wanted to graduate high school with a high GPA, and I wanted to make academic merit (I believe that was a 95% GPA or higher, could be wrong) at least for one quarter. I graduated high school (yay!), but I never made academic merit. How did I expect to when I spent my first quarter of high school failing English simply because I didn’t want to do homework? Pft, stupid little freshman.

There was one more goal in my letter that I think I did achieve. I wanted to “be good”.

Now, what does that really even mean? That was left up to me to interpret.

My middle school consisted of 2 grades, 7th and 8th. I know a lot of middle schools have 3 grades, usually including 6th, but mine only had 2. That is irrelevant to this story, but my middle school science teacher told us at the end of 8th grade, to “be good”.

He told us a story that I can’t really remember too much of, but it had to do with his father constantly telling him to be good. He didn’t really understand what that meant, because he felt he was good, and his brother was never told that, and was never good. He asked his father why he tells him to be good when he always is, and in all honestly I can’t remember why, but the moral of the story was to literally do what you were told, and be good.

Be good in everything you do. Put in 100% of your effort into the things that you do and that you want to accomplish. Be good to yourself, to your friends, family, strangers. Be good. Do what’s right. Do what you believe to be good.

This stuck with me this whole time, almost 10 years later. Whether or not it was a true story doesn’t matter. It stuck, I wanted to be good. And I truly believe I have reached that goal and will continue to do so throughout the rest of my life.

Everything that I have done in my life I have tried to do the right way. I am kind to everyone that I meet, and help anyone that I can. I obey the law, follow the unwritten rules. I show up to work on time, I do what I’m supposed to. I try my best to care for myself and my loved ones. I respect nature, I respect the life I’ve been given and try not to abuse any privileges I have. I try not to take anything for granted. Being good is hard, it really is, but I’m doing it.

When I was in my senior year, reading my letter to myself, I reflected on the things that had happened specifically that made me feel like I achieved that goal, my friend circle. In elementary school and middle school, I befriended a couple people that I would later find to be terrible people. Since 6th grade, the one friend was really rude to others all the time. She would always talk to me about another girls’ weight in class, and I never understood why. In middle school, it was her and another girl that I was close with. Both terribly judgmental and just all around negative people. When I got to high school and set that goal to “be good”, I dropped my friends like a hot pan and found another group of people who turned out to be amazing. There was definitely still typical friend drama, but they were all genuinely kind-hearted souls.

I’m proud to say I made friends with good people, and in turn I think they helped me reach my goal. I really believe that the people you associate yourself with affects your life directly. Some people can befriend all types of people and still remain the same humble person that they are. But most people’s personalities, likes, dislikes, etc, can be molded based on the kind of people that person hangs out with. At this point in my life I feel like I have a very accurate perception of people and can limit my contact with negative people and befriend good people. Whenever I get bad vibes about someone, some future event proves me to be right, so I’ve stuck by my gut.

Unfortunately, reaching my goal in high school did not mean that I would make viable goals and reach them after high school. Let’s talk about those.

My goals after high school were very standard. Go to college, become an Earth Science teacher, move out of the house and potentially the state, and somewhere within the chaos of life, fall in love and get married. I never wanted kids, so that was never a part of my goal (and still isn’t), but I know a lot of other people have that on their list.

So, what did I accomplish? Nothing. I’m technically moved out of my house, but my legal address is still my mom’s house, so I’m not counting it, especially since my rent has been non-existent for my whole life, up until October 2017 where I’ll start paying only $100/month. That reminds me, I only have 10 more days living rent free. Adulting sucks!

I almost achieved my goal of falling in love and getting married, but I cannot express enough how glad I am that I didn’t. We’ll leave the rest of that in the past, but I am happy to say that now I actually reached half of that goal by falling in love. I’m madly in love with my boyfriend, like it’s the real deal this time. It’s the nicest feeling in the world to be in real love. We can worry about the marriage thing when we’re ready for that chapter of our lives.

I didn’t go to college, I’m never going to be a teacher unless I get some job that doesn’t require a degree that is a training position. That’s okay though, because I don’t want to be a teacher anymore. I stopped wanting to be a teacher 5 years ago.

I am honestly glad I didn’t reach the goals that I set for myself after high school, because they were unrealistic for me from the beginning. I was never going to go to college, I fell out of love with teaching while I was coming to the end of my senior year. Without a steady income or a hefty savings account, you can’t (you can, but shouldn’t) move out, especially to a new state. And you can’t force yourself to fall in love, and shouldn’t get married for any reason other than love. Why I thought these were achievable goals for me was simple, society said that’s how it should be.

When we are all setting the same goals like that, something is wrong. We set these silly rules and expectations that we all must follow or we won’t be “normal”. We will be different and different is bad in society’s eyes. But normal is bad in my eyes. Why would I set goals for myself that I couldn’t possibly reach, or if I did reach them I would be unhappy, I wouldn’t be myself. Why would anyone want that for themselves? We don’t.

I challenge anyone who reads this to really think about the goals that you have set for yourself. Throw them away if you have to, completely start over. Set new goals for yourself, goals that actually pertain to you. Don’t generalize them, specify them. And if you don’t achieve your goal, extend the date! Or don’t set a date at all. Don’t give up! You have your whole life ahead of you to accomplish what you need to. Make sure it is truly what you want and need for yourself to be truly happy.

And remember, be good.

The Weight of Living

In a few short months it will have been one year since I’ve started this blog. My ultimate goal was to feel better, and I am happy to say that a few short months from my “goal” I am feeling genuinely happy. The thing is, happiness isn’t stopping certain thoughts. 

I think I have always felt emotions a little differently than the people I grew up around. My personality as a whole has been more “down” than most people’s, and its natural for me. I don’t know if anyone could ever understand what I mean by that, but as long as I know that is all that matters.

Growing up I remember very vividly moments where people have acknowledged my personality. They almost always assumed I was depressed or a bitch because I liked to keep to myself, and I still give off the same impressions today. The only difference today is, I am depressed. I might be a bitch, but I am definitely depressed.

Why? Why did I develop depression? Maybe it’s genetics. Maybe not. I don’t know, and I probably never will.

I’d like to believe that my depression and anxiety both stem from genetics, that way I have someone to blame, mom and dad! But putting the blame on someone else is never a way to solve your problems, so I won’t do that (even if it is one day proven that it is 100% genetics).

Most days I think that I am too smart for my own good. My brain knows about the bad in the world, and simply doesn’t think life is worth living in this world. Maybe I think too much about the things that might not even matter, but those things weigh heavy on my brain and my heart and give me those suicidal thoughts.

Now these things that I keep mentioning vary. I know that some of them are actual real life issues that are affecting the human race and this planet as a whole, and others are as simple as people not following the rules of the road when I’m driving home from work. Whether its big or small doesn’t matter, they all weigh the same on me. Heavy. As. Fuck.

So just imagine EVERY SINGLE ISSUE in the world, big and small. That is the weight on my shoulders. That is the weight I just can’t shake, no matter what I do. It holds me back in my day-to-day life and it is holding me back from a good future. I can’t stop thinking about these issues, about the actions of others, about the straight stupidity of others that is destroying this world. It pisses me off to no end. I wish I could vent about these things to someone, I wish I could vent about these things to the people who are doing them. I wish I could educate every single person on this planet who is doing something that is causing more harm than good, or is GOING to cause more harm than good. I wish I could say all of these things, but without sounding like I’m full of myself, or a know-it-all. I wish I could say these things without making people feel stupid, without sounding conceded or like I think I’m better than anyone else. Because I really don’t feel that way, I understand that I make mistakes all the time. I do bad things, I will own up to anything that I do. I just see people going about their daily lives in a fashion that I just see as so wrong, and I know that I can’t change people like that, but it would be so nice if I could. At least on the things that put my life and other’s at risk.

Maybe I will start a new blog strictly venting about these things that I think about. Maybe that will help me.

Anyway, I feel like I went off about the weight on my shoulders. Back to the rest of this blog…

When I was growing up people would assume I was depressed. My brother’s (now ex) girlfriend even asked my other siblings if I was depressed. All because I liked to keep to myself. So, I guess what I’m getting at is that depression doesn’t give a fuck what your personality is like. I don’t think that if I was a more “bubbly” person that I wouldn’t be depressed. I don’t think people should assume that a smile on the outside means a smile on the inside, because it really doesn’t. People may be able to “see” my depression (or so they think, because back then I actually wasn’t depressed), but they can’t see it all. I know tons of people who are the happiest people you’ll ever meet, and they suffer every day with this. Even when I feel happy, it’s still there. In the back of my head, I’m still thinking that I’d rather be dead.

So, I’d rather be dead. Let’s talk about that.

It’s never like a “I’m going to kill myself right now” type of deal. It is just a thought that stays on my mind until I start thinking of ways to actually do it. Luckily, depression hasn’t completely taken over, and I can usually get those feelings to subside for a little bit. But I think about it a lot, almost every day of my life. Yeah, almost every day of my life I think to myself that I’d rather be dead.

I could be at work. Rather be dead.

Visiting my mom. Rather be dead.

Playing with my nieces and nephews. Rather be dead.

Loving my boyfriend. Rather be dead.

Snuggling my cat. Rather be dead.

Playing video games. Rather be dead.

Stargazing. Rather be dead.

I truly would rather be dead. I have never just completely come to terms with that until now. Until writing this particular blog and actually typing that out over and over again, it put me in a position just now where I am okay with having those thoughts. I don’t know if they will ever go away, but for now they’re there. 

I am and will continue to do everything in my power to never act on this feeling. But it’s definitely there, and I don’t want to pretend like it isn’t.