Anxiety

I feel like I’m on a never ending street called anxiety, but this street isn’t intersecting with anything, so I just have to keep going. 

I’ve felt this way for a while and it’s been really strong lately. For the past couple weeks I have had very little control over my anxiety. It’s affecting my sleeping habits and eating habits like it usually does when it gets this bad. I have no reason for it. There’s not really anything going on in my life that I’m anxious about. It’s just there. 

I really think that’s the worst. When I’m anxious or depressed with a reason, it’s fine because once that reason goes away I generally feel better. With this no reason at all nonsense I have NO idea why I’m feeling this way and NO idea when it’s going to go away. I don’t know how to turn it off. I even try to think of things that might be causing it but  I usually come up with nothing. 

Lately I’ve been thinking maybe it’s my vacation coming up, but when I think about all aspects of the vacation I don’t feel anxious at all. Maybe it’s finances, but I’m in a decent situation financially that I can only hope will continue to improve. My relationships are all good. I’m starting a new job that’s going to be a great opportunity for me again and that I’m actually going to enjoy. Nothing in my life is “bad” right now. That’s the worst part. 

I hope one day I don’t feel this kind of anxious anymore. It’s always the worst feeling kind and it seems to have the longest episodes. I think this is week 3. I’ve woken up every day with anxiety for 3 weeks. I’ve lost sleep throughout the night from nightmares, struggled getting to sleep at night because I can’t shut off my brain, for 3 weeks. 

I honestly just want a good night of sleep. Maybe I’ll feel better then. 

My favorite leggings…

There has been something I’ve wanted to get off my chest for a while now. I frequently think of things I want to write about, just to let it out, and I never do because of what this blog was originally intended for. The more I think about it though, the more I realize that this blog is actually my outlet and I need to use it for ANYTHING I need to get off my chest, not necessarily just my depression and anxiety. This recovery process is a part of my whole life, and my whole life has an affect on my depression and anxiety, so why not write about anything that comes to mind? With that said…


My favorite leggings. 

Something I’ve owned for years and years, but stopped wearing shortly after entering a relationship that I’d end up being in for 2 years. A relationship I thought at the time was perfect. A relationship that sometimes I feel destroyed me more than my physically abusive relationships. 

I have always wondered how people  stay in bad relationships. I always thought that if I was ever in a crappy relationship, whatever the reasoning may be, that I would leave immediately. I have been in physically and verbally abusive relationships. I grew up with an abusive father and a mother who gave too many second chances. As soon as the opportunity presented itself, I left those relationships, and broke off contact with my father. I always felt like I was strong enough to leave, and I always did. 

However, my last relationship before my current one was a little bit different. I didn’t realize how bad it was, how bad I was actually treated, how twisted that family was. I didn’t realize any of this until my current relationship, where I truly have a man who loves me, a man deserving of the title of “man”, and a man who’s family is like my own. 

My last boyfriend never hit me, he never yelled at me, he didn’t cheat on me or really even hurt me in any way except one. He allowed me to lose myself. He allowed me to forget who I am and what I love. Once you have lost yourself, it’s really really hard to find yourself again. I’ve been slowly putting the pieces back together but I feel like I’ve still got a long way to go. 

During this relationship I was constantly put down for the things I loved, for the things I believed in. I was disliked for the things that I liked, for the things that made me who I am. It was everything, from my hobbies to my clothes to my beliefs. I actually stopped wearing my favorite leggings because every time I put them on I was made fun of. I stopped doing the things I love, I couldn’t ever express my opinions or beliefs without backlash. I could no longer be myself. 

Unfortunately I didn’t realize what was happening until the damage was done. It was a slow process that took a long time. I can’t say I wasn’t happy, in the moment I absolutely was, but when I think back on it now, I wasn’t happy. This girl, that was no longer me, was happy. 

It’s little moments like just changing out of my work clothes and putting on my favorite leggings without a care in the world that make me realize how shitty my last relationship actually was. I know even reading this I want to tell myself to stop being a bitch about it because it wasn’t that bad, but that’s why the stigma is still there, because people think that because it wasn’t “that bad” that it is ok.

It. Is. Not. Ok.  

It’s not ok to, for lack of a better term, harass someone to the point where they stop being themselves. It’s not ok to be hateful towards people with different views, interests, preferences, etc. It’s not ok to do this to anyone, let alone your own girlfriend. 

You need people in your life who will support your interests, your beliefs, and you in general. To have someone knock everything you do will destroy you. 

I am so beyond lucky to have gotten out of that relationship and now into one where when I put on these leggings, I hear my boyfriend jokingly catcall me and tell me my ass is out of this world (so punny 😂). I am able to do the things that I love, express my opinions and beliefs and actually have conversations about them. I’m able to just be myself around this man.

After I broke off the relationship, I was talking to someone about the whole thing. They ended up breaking off their relationship after hearing about what I went through and realized myself. I was able to help someone else get out of a bad situation with my personal experiences. I really liked that and I think that’s another reason why I want to start writing about anything I think of. It might just help someone else.

Too much to think…

I have been having an extremely difficult time turning off my brain after work. It has been stressing me out because all I ever think about is work. It’s very draining.

I’ve been trying to keep my mind occupied with other things but that’s the issue, my mind is always occupied. If I’m not thinking about work, I’m thinking about other things so I’m not thinking about work. It’s terrible! I feel like I never really rest my brain. Even at night, my dreams keep getting more and more vivid and I wake up frequently and automatically think of work. 

Gardening has helped me tremendously and I’ve really been enjoying doing it. It is one of the most relaxing hobbies I’ve ever picked up and I want to do it forever. Hopefully I can get back in the swing of things and start feeling good about life in general. I feel like I’m heading in that direction, but there’s still a very rough road to it. 

Facebook was actually beneficial…

Today is my day off so I’m getting some stuff done. Applying for jobs, cleaning the house, and continuing to downsize to get ready for tiny house living. 

I love when I feel productive on my days off. Depression and anxiety are literally crippling, so to not have it affecting me for once is always nice. I’m trying hard to not let it control my life but damn it’s hard. 

I had a little moment last night where I feel like I understand why my anxiety and depression have gotten so bad over the last year or so. It’s because my life got good. Doesn’t make much sense, right? Wrong. 

Facebook was actually beneficial to me for once in my life. Social media is the devil of the internet. Social media causes us to view the world in a completely different way than we should be. It allows us to be jealous and hateful towards each other and glamorize our shitty little lives. I am 150% addicted to social media and won’t be leaving anytime soon, but I am fully aware that it puts me in a bad mood sometimes.

Once in a while someone will post something worth reading. Humans of New York is a Facebook page by Brandon Stanton. It’s a photo blog that tells the real life stories of people, not only in New York City, but all over the world. Recently Brandon posted a story of a man who has had his fair share of hardships in his life and he is currently struggling with anxiety and panic attacks, even though those hardships have left his life. He said he’s been dealing with them for so long now that he’s not sure how to handle the quiet. 

Holy. Fucking. Shit. 

I have NEVER related to something that HONY has posted, or anyone has posted really. I haven’t been able to understand what has been going on in my life. I haven’t been able to figure out why these things were happening when my life has gotten so good over the last year. I have an amazing boyfriend with an amazing family who loves and cares for me like their own. My own family has been through a lot but those problems have been long gone and we are all recovered/recovering. I have a job, I’m paying off my debt, I’m planning and preparing for my future. I can honestly say my life is good. My life is so good, so why am I so not…

The chaos that I’ve dealt with for a good chunk of my life is gone and I have been so occupied with it that now I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know how to just let my guard down and accept the fact that my life has gotten better, that I’m safe now. No ones going to hurt me anymore, no one is going to try to control my life anymore. I’m no longer fighting every day to defend myself from these demons that I have lived with for so long. 

Now that I feel like I’ve found out why this is all happening, I feel like I can have more control over it. I can acknowledge everything good in my life when I’m feeling down. I can keep the shitty memories at bay and hopefully slowly but surely forget them. I don’t have to let these demons continue tormenting me. They are gone, done with, out of my life for good. I don’t have to let them back in. I can’t. 

It’s a good feeling when I have these little revelations because it gives me some sort of sense of control in my life. It has been an absolute roller coaster ride and I just want to get off this damn thing. I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

I know I will still have my bad days, some way worse than others. I will still feel suicidal, I will still lose motivation to do anything at all. This isn’t going to get better overnight just because I realized what might be going on. It’s going to take a lot of time and a lot of work to get better but I want to get better. I want to be myself again. 

I will be myself again. 

I’m done counting…

It’s been quite some time since I’ve written anything. I’m a fucking mess. 

I can’t escape my own head. I am absolutely my own worst enemy. I don’t want to be anymore. I want to be able to shut my brain off. The only time I can ever do that is when I’m sleeping, and even then my dreams don’t help the situation. I’m exhausted and no one knows why but I do. I’m depressed and my anxiety is controlling my life. 

I feel like I’m officially at the point in depression where I don’t want to do anything. Nothing at all. I don’t want to be alive, I don’t want to exist anymore. Fuck it’s a shitty feeling. To constantly think about how much relief I would get out of being dead is not only terrifying but it’s not fucking normal. No one should ever feel this way and I feel it on a daily basis. I don’t know what to do anymore and if I think of something I’m afraid it’s too late. I have no motivation. I have been forcing myself to do things, normal basic daily tasks and fun hobbies. Forcing myself. That’s not normal. I shouldn’t have to force myself to do daily tasks and especially things that I should be enjoying. 

I felt like I was getting better but the suicidal thoughts never really leave. It’s not necessarily thinking of ways to do it, I never do that. I just think it would be a great thing if I was dead. I just want to be dead. 

My job has been extremely stressful and I know that’s not helping. I think that when/if my job straightens itself out it will help a little but barely make a difference. I’m just going to work, getting shit done, and coming home. Trying not to let it get to me but it does. I get home and all I think about it work. Last night I had to tell myself to stop thinking about work because I was trying to go to sleep and couldn’t get my mind to stop running. I can’t seem to turn off work once I leave the building. It just follows me home. I know my brain is weak and tired right now and things are just really bad there but I’m hoping it gets better. I don’t mind the job and want to keep working there but my mental health is at stake (again).

Something that’s really been getting to me the past couple days is the fact that I ran into the guy who decided it would be a good idea to rape me 5 years ago. 5 fucking years. I haven’t seen this “man” in 5 fucking years and was finally feeling like that night that completely destroyed me wasn’t anymore. And now it is again. 

I forgot what he looked like and now I know again. I close my eyes and I see his face. I try not to think about it but it’s all I can think about. I broke down at work thinking about it. I keep zoning out and not listening to others because I can’t stop thinking about it. That was the worst night of my life and the worst relationship I’ve ever been in and I just had the worst flashback when I saw him. 

I don’t know what to do anymore. 

Day 4

Today I was able to sleep in a little bit. It was very well needed. My boyfriend wasn’t feeling too good again so I comforted him. After he started feeling a bit better we just spent the morning playing video games. We have been trying to get healthier physically too so we worked out together and started to keep a little exercise log so we can track our progress. I think it’s gonna help us to keep going with it. I’m really proud of how well we have been doing, especially my boyfriend. We got into the habit of making excuses to not go to the gym and to go eat out. Now we are exercising and eating good meals in. Our wallets are pretty thankful.

I think working on my physical health is going to help me continue to have better moods and feel more energized. When I get into the depressing or anxious moods, I lose all motivation to do anything. I just want to curl up in a ball on the couch or in bed and sleep. Over the past couple days I think exercising and eating better has already improved my energy levels and overall mood. I just have to remember I need to take care of my body and that will help me take care of my mind.

All of these good days scare me. I’m afraid to get used to them. I’m afraid to let my guard down. It’s weird having your guard up over something that can’t even physically hurt you, but I know depression and anxiety is still there. I can’t heal myself in a couple days, it’s gonna take a long time to be back to myself again. I’m just afraid that I’ll have days, weeks, maybe even months being free of this curse but then it’ll just pop up really bad at the worst time possible. That seems to be how it works on me.

I should take Awolnation’s advice; Never let your fear decide your fate. I shouldn’t let these little fears make me overthink and cause an episode. I need to try to keep those thoughts out of my head. They may seem harmless at first but if you keep thinking something over and over, maybe you’ll start to believe it. I don’t want to believe that I can be okay for a long time and then just be not okay again. I want to believe I WILL be okay for a long time, period.

Anyway, today was just a typical lazy Sunday. Tomorrow is the most hated day of the week, so we’all see what tomorrow’s blog ends up reading.

I’m typing this from my boyfriends phone, so I can’t add a picture so here’s a smiley face 🙂🙃

 

Day 1

Today was a pretty decent day. I woke up fairly early this morning, unable to fall back asleep. I hung out with my boyfriend in bed for a while, just talking and watching tv. We hung out for a little downstairs too, again just watching tv and talking. I love mornings like these. Although I’m having trouble sleeping, I’m able to enjoy some nice time alone with my boyfriend. 

Eventually he had to go to work so I ended up wrapping Christmas gifts, starting up this blog, and editing some pictures. 

Depression sucks. I got a call from my sister and was talking to her a little bit about what’s going on and  I am honestly the luckiest person in the world. Depression sucks so bad. It’s not something you can just shake. It’s not something you can easily stop from bubbling to the surface. My sister fortunately understands this and has been really supportive of my decisions. It’s important to know, no matter how lonely I feel, no matter how alone I believe myself to be, I’m not. There are countless amounts of people who love and care about me, and for that I am lucky. And extremely grateful. 
When my boyfriend got home from work, he asked me how my day was. It was fine. And not fine like when women are in a pissy mood and say they’re fine. It was truly fine. But then it wasn’t…

The stupidest things trigger depressive episodes and anxiety attacks. I got extremely sad, like so sad that I physically could not control my frown. And then come the waterworks. I don’t understand it, and I don’t think I ever will…but…I am determined to stop these depressive episodes. This particular one passed extremely quickly and I immediately wanted to write about it so I guess this is a step in the right direction.

Hopefully a step down the path to happiness. I know…I know… I have to create the path to happiness. My path to happiness. 

Nature makes me happy, so I think I’m going to be adding some of my photos at the end of these blogs.