Facebook was actually beneficial…

Today is my day off so I’m getting some stuff done. Applying for jobs, cleaning the house, and continuing to downsize to get ready for tiny house living. 

I love when I feel productive on my days off. Depression and anxiety are literally crippling, so to not have it affecting me for once is always nice. I’m trying hard to not let it control my life but damn it’s hard. 

I had a little moment last night where I feel like I understand why my anxiety and depression have gotten so bad over the last year or so. It’s because my life got good. Doesn’t make much sense, right? Wrong. 

Facebook was actually beneficial to me for once in my life. Social media is the devil of the internet. Social media causes us to view the world in a completely different way than we should be. It allows us to be jealous and hateful towards each other and glamorize our shitty little lives. I am 150% addicted to social media and won’t be leaving anytime soon, but I am fully aware that it puts me in a bad mood sometimes.

Once in a while someone will post something worth reading. Humans of New York is a Facebook page by Brandon Stanton. It’s a photo blog that tells the real life stories of people, not only in New York City, but all over the world. Recently Brandon posted a story of a man who has had his fair share of hardships in his life and he is currently struggling with anxiety and panic attacks, even though those hardships have left his life. He said he’s been dealing with them for so long now that he’s not sure how to handle the quiet. 

Holy. Fucking. Shit. 

I have NEVER related to something that HONY has posted, or anyone has posted really. I haven’t been able to understand what has been going on in my life. I haven’t been able to figure out why these things were happening when my life has gotten so good over the last year. I have an amazing boyfriend with an amazing family who loves and cares for me like their own. My own family has been through a lot but those problems have been long gone and we are all recovered/recovering. I have a job, I’m paying off my debt, I’m planning and preparing for my future. I can honestly say my life is good. My life is so good, so why am I so not…

The chaos that I’ve dealt with for a good chunk of my life is gone and I have been so occupied with it that now I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know how to just let my guard down and accept the fact that my life has gotten better, that I’m safe now. No ones going to hurt me anymore, no one is going to try to control my life anymore. I’m no longer fighting every day to defend myself from these demons that I have lived with for so long. 

Now that I feel like I’ve found out why this is all happening, I feel like I can have more control over it. I can acknowledge everything good in my life when I’m feeling down. I can keep the shitty memories at bay and hopefully slowly but surely forget them. I don’t have to let these demons continue tormenting me. They are gone, done with, out of my life for good. I don’t have to let them back in. I can’t. 

It’s a good feeling when I have these little revelations because it gives me some sort of sense of control in my life. It has been an absolute roller coaster ride and I just want to get off this damn thing. I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

I know I will still have my bad days, some way worse than others. I will still feel suicidal, I will still lose motivation to do anything at all. This isn’t going to get better overnight just because I realized what might be going on. It’s going to take a lot of time and a lot of work to get better but I want to get better. I want to be myself again. 

I will be myself again. 

I’m done counting…

It’s been quite some time since I’ve written anything. I’m a fucking mess. 

I can’t escape my own head. I am absolutely my own worst enemy. I don’t want to be anymore. I want to be able to shut my brain off. The only time I can ever do that is when I’m sleeping, and even then my dreams don’t help the situation. I’m exhausted and no one knows why but I do. I’m depressed and my anxiety is controlling my life. 

I feel like I’m officially at the point in depression where I don’t want to do anything. Nothing at all. I don’t want to be alive, I don’t want to exist anymore. Fuck it’s a shitty feeling. To constantly think about how much relief I would get out of being dead is not only terrifying but it’s not fucking normal. No one should ever feel this way and I feel it on a daily basis. I don’t know what to do anymore and if I think of something I’m afraid it’s too late. I have no motivation. I have been forcing myself to do things, normal basic daily tasks and fun hobbies. Forcing myself. That’s not normal. I shouldn’t have to force myself to do daily tasks and especially things that I should be enjoying. 

I felt like I was getting better but the suicidal thoughts never really leave. It’s not necessarily thinking of ways to do it, I never do that. I just think it would be a great thing if I was dead. I just want to be dead. 

My job has been extremely stressful and I know that’s not helping. I think that when/if my job straightens itself out it will help a little but barely make a difference. I’m just going to work, getting shit done, and coming home. Trying not to let it get to me but it does. I get home and all I think about it work. Last night I had to tell myself to stop thinking about work because I was trying to go to sleep and couldn’t get my mind to stop running. I can’t seem to turn off work once I leave the building. It just follows me home. I know my brain is weak and tired right now and things are just really bad there but I’m hoping it gets better. I don’t mind the job and want to keep working there but my mental health is at stake (again).

Something that’s really been getting to me the past couple days is the fact that I ran into the guy who decided it would be a good idea to rape me 5 years ago. 5 fucking years. I haven’t seen this “man” in 5 fucking years and was finally feeling like that night that completely destroyed me wasn’t anymore. And now it is again. 

I forgot what he looked like and now I know again. I close my eyes and I see his face. I try not to think about it but it’s all I can think about. I broke down at work thinking about it. I keep zoning out and not listening to others because I can’t stop thinking about it. That was the worst night of my life and the worst relationship I’ve ever been in and I just had the worst flashback when I saw him. 

I don’t know what to do anymore. 

Day 9

Today was a good day overall but I couldn’t shake the clouds. I think yesterday kind of messed me up and I’m just kind of trying to pull myself together. 

I just felt so depressed today and nothing could get my mind off it. I went to visit my mom and ended up getting stuck in the driveway. I had to shovel my way out and had an asthma attack and couldn’t finish. When I got home, I made my boyfriend lunch and went to his work office. He ended up telling me his schedule changed so I wasted 40 minutes of driving. We ended up going home. And I did so much driving today and I have a tiny ass car that can’t handle the New York snow. Everything just felt like it was going bad. It demotivated me from doing anything I wanted to do today. 

On the bright side, this morning I did get out for a nice walk through the snow at a local park. I love this time of year. ​​