I feel like I’m on a never ending street called anxiety, but this street isn’t intersecting with anything, so I just have to keep going. 

I’ve felt this way for a while and it’s been really strong lately. For the past couple weeks I have had very little control over my anxiety. It’s affecting my sleeping habits and eating habits like it usually does when it gets this bad. I have no reason for it. There’s not really anything going on in my life that I’m anxious about. It’s just there. 

I really think that’s the worst. When I’m anxious or depressed with a reason, it’s fine because once that reason goes away I generally feel better. With this no reason at all nonsense I have NO idea why I’m feeling this way and NO idea when it’s going to go away. I don’t know how to turn it off. I even try to think of things that might be causing it but  I usually come up with nothing. 

Lately I’ve been thinking maybe it’s my vacation coming up, but when I think about all aspects of the vacation I don’t feel anxious at all. Maybe it’s finances, but I’m in a decent situation financially that I can only hope will continue to improve. My relationships are all good. I’m starting a new job that’s going to be a great opportunity for me again and that I’m actually going to enjoy. Nothing in my life is “bad” right now. That’s the worst part. 

I hope one day I don’t feel this kind of anxious anymore. It’s always the worst feeling kind and it seems to have the longest episodes. I think this is week 3. I’ve woken up every day with anxiety for 3 weeks. I’ve lost sleep throughout the night from nightmares, struggled getting to sleep at night because I can’t shut off my brain, for 3 weeks. 

I honestly just want a good night of sleep. Maybe I’ll feel better then. 

My favorite leggings…

There has been something I’ve wanted to get off my chest for a while now. I frequently think of things I want to write about, just to let it out, and I never do because of what this blog was originally intended for. The more I think about it though, the more I realize that this blog is actually my outlet and I need to use it for ANYTHING I need to get off my chest, not necessarily just my depression and anxiety. This recovery process is a part of my whole life, and my whole life has an affect on my depression and anxiety, so why not write about anything that comes to mind? With that said…

My favorite leggings. 

Something I’ve owned for years and years, but stopped wearing shortly after entering a relationship that I’d end up being in for 2 years. A relationship I thought at the time was perfect. A relationship that sometimes I feel destroyed me more than my physically abusive relationships. 

I have always wondered how people  stay in bad relationships. I always thought that if I was ever in a crappy relationship, whatever the reasoning may be, that I would leave immediately. I have been in physically and verbally abusive relationships. I grew up with an abusive father and a mother who gave too many second chances. As soon as the opportunity presented itself, I left those relationships, and broke off contact with my father. I always felt like I was strong enough to leave, and I always did. 

However, my last relationship before my current one was a little bit different. I didn’t realize how bad it was, how bad I was actually treated, how twisted that family was. I didn’t realize any of this until my current relationship, where I truly have a man who loves me, a man deserving of the title of “man”, and a man who’s family is like my own. 

My last boyfriend never hit me, he never yelled at me, he didn’t cheat on me or really even hurt me in any way except one. He allowed me to lose myself. He allowed me to forget who I am and what I love. Once you have lost yourself, it’s really really hard to find yourself again. I’ve been slowly putting the pieces back together but I feel like I’ve still got a long way to go. 

During this relationship I was constantly put down for the things I loved, for the things I believed in. I was disliked for the things that I liked, for the things that made me who I am. It was everything, from my hobbies to my clothes to my beliefs. I actually stopped wearing my favorite leggings because every time I put them on I was made fun of. I stopped doing the things I love, I couldn’t ever express my opinions or beliefs without backlash. I could no longer be myself. 

Unfortunately I didn’t realize what was happening until the damage was done. It was a slow process that took a long time. I can’t say I wasn’t happy, in the moment I absolutely was, but when I think back on it now, I wasn’t happy. This girl, that was no longer me, was happy. 

It’s little moments like just changing out of my work clothes and putting on my favorite leggings without a care in the world that make me realize how shitty my last relationship actually was. I know even reading this I want to tell myself to stop being a bitch about it because it wasn’t that bad, but that’s why the stigma is still there, because people think that because it wasn’t “that bad” that it is ok.

It. Is. Not. Ok.  

It’s not ok to, for lack of a better term, harass someone to the point where they stop being themselves. It’s not ok to be hateful towards people with different views, interests, preferences, etc. It’s not ok to do this to anyone, let alone your own girlfriend. 

You need people in your life who will support your interests, your beliefs, and you in general. To have someone knock everything you do will destroy you. 

I am so beyond lucky to have gotten out of that relationship and now into one where when I put on these leggings, I hear my boyfriend jokingly catcall me and tell me my ass is out of this world (so punny 😂). I am able to do the things that I love, express my opinions and beliefs and actually have conversations about them. I’m able to just be myself around this man.

After I broke off the relationship, I was talking to someone about the whole thing. They ended up breaking off their relationship after hearing about what I went through and realized myself. I was able to help someone else get out of a bad situation with my personal experiences. I really liked that and I think that’s another reason why I want to start writing about anything I think of. It might just help someone else.

Too much to think…

I have been having an extremely difficult time turning off my brain after work. It has been stressing me out because all I ever think about is work. It’s very draining.

I’ve been trying to keep my mind occupied with other things but that’s the issue, my mind is always occupied. If I’m not thinking about work, I’m thinking about other things so I’m not thinking about work. It’s terrible! I feel like I never really rest my brain. Even at night, my dreams keep getting more and more vivid and I wake up frequently and automatically think of work. 

Gardening has helped me tremendously and I’ve really been enjoying doing it. It is one of the most relaxing hobbies I’ve ever picked up and I want to do it forever. Hopefully I can get back in the swing of things and start feeling good about life in general. I feel like I’m heading in that direction, but there’s still a very rough road to it. 

Facebook was actually beneficial…

Today is my day off so I’m getting some stuff done. Applying for jobs, cleaning the house, and continuing to downsize to get ready for tiny house living. 

I love when I feel productive on my days off. Depression and anxiety are literally crippling, so to not have it affecting me for once is always nice. I’m trying hard to not let it control my life but damn it’s hard. 

I had a little moment last night where I feel like I understand why my anxiety and depression have gotten so bad over the last year or so. It’s because my life got good. Doesn’t make much sense, right? Wrong. 

Facebook was actually beneficial to me for once in my life. Social media is the devil of the internet. Social media causes us to view the world in a completely different way than we should be. It allows us to be jealous and hateful towards each other and glamorize our shitty little lives. I am 150% addicted to social media and won’t be leaving anytime soon, but I am fully aware that it puts me in a bad mood sometimes.

Once in a while someone will post something worth reading. Humans of New York is a Facebook page by Brandon Stanton. It’s a photo blog that tells the real life stories of people, not only in New York City, but all over the world. Recently Brandon posted a story of a man who has had his fair share of hardships in his life and he is currently struggling with anxiety and panic attacks, even though those hardships have left his life. He said he’s been dealing with them for so long now that he’s not sure how to handle the quiet. 

Holy. Fucking. Shit. 

I have NEVER related to something that HONY has posted, or anyone has posted really. I haven’t been able to understand what has been going on in my life. I haven’t been able to figure out why these things were happening when my life has gotten so good over the last year. I have an amazing boyfriend with an amazing family who loves and cares for me like their own. My own family has been through a lot but those problems have been long gone and we are all recovered/recovering. I have a job, I’m paying off my debt, I’m planning and preparing for my future. I can honestly say my life is good. My life is so good, so why am I so not…

The chaos that I’ve dealt with for a good chunk of my life is gone and I have been so occupied with it that now I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know how to just let my guard down and accept the fact that my life has gotten better, that I’m safe now. No ones going to hurt me anymore, no one is going to try to control my life anymore. I’m no longer fighting every day to defend myself from these demons that I have lived with for so long. 

Now that I feel like I’ve found out why this is all happening, I feel like I can have more control over it. I can acknowledge everything good in my life when I’m feeling down. I can keep the shitty memories at bay and hopefully slowly but surely forget them. I don’t have to let these demons continue tormenting me. They are gone, done with, out of my life for good. I don’t have to let them back in. I can’t. 

It’s a good feeling when I have these little revelations because it gives me some sort of sense of control in my life. It has been an absolute roller coaster ride and I just want to get off this damn thing. I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

I know I will still have my bad days, some way worse than others. I will still feel suicidal, I will still lose motivation to do anything at all. This isn’t going to get better overnight just because I realized what might be going on. It’s going to take a lot of time and a lot of work to get better but I want to get better. I want to be myself again. 

I will be myself again. 

I’m done counting…

It’s been quite some time since I’ve written anything. I’m a fucking mess. 

I can’t escape my own head. I am absolutely my own worst enemy. I don’t want to be anymore. I want to be able to shut my brain off. The only time I can ever do that is when I’m sleeping, and even then my dreams don’t help the situation. I’m exhausted and no one knows why but I do. I’m depressed and my anxiety is controlling my life. 

I feel like I’m officially at the point in depression where I don’t want to do anything. Nothing at all. I don’t want to be alive, I don’t want to exist anymore. Fuck it’s a shitty feeling. To constantly think about how much relief I would get out of being dead is not only terrifying but it’s not fucking normal. No one should ever feel this way and I feel it on a daily basis. I don’t know what to do anymore and if I think of something I’m afraid it’s too late. I have no motivation. I have been forcing myself to do things, normal basic daily tasks and fun hobbies. Forcing myself. That’s not normal. I shouldn’t have to force myself to do daily tasks and especially things that I should be enjoying. 

I felt like I was getting better but the suicidal thoughts never really leave. It’s not necessarily thinking of ways to do it, I never do that. I just think it would be a great thing if I was dead. I just want to be dead. 

My job has been extremely stressful and I know that’s not helping. I think that when/if my job straightens itself out it will help a little but barely make a difference. I’m just going to work, getting shit done, and coming home. Trying not to let it get to me but it does. I get home and all I think about it work. Last night I had to tell myself to stop thinking about work because I was trying to go to sleep and couldn’t get my mind to stop running. I can’t seem to turn off work once I leave the building. It just follows me home. I know my brain is weak and tired right now and things are just really bad there but I’m hoping it gets better. I don’t mind the job and want to keep working there but my mental health is at stake (again).

Something that’s really been getting to me the past couple days is the fact that I ran into the guy who decided it would be a good idea to rape me 5 years ago. 5 fucking years. I haven’t seen this “man” in 5 fucking years and was finally feeling like that night that completely destroyed me wasn’t anymore. And now it is again. 

I forgot what he looked like and now I know again. I close my eyes and I see his face. I try not to think about it but it’s all I can think about. I broke down at work thinking about it. I keep zoning out and not listening to others because I can’t stop thinking about it. That was the worst night of my life and the worst relationship I’ve ever been in and I just had the worst flashback when I saw him. 

I don’t know what to do anymore. 

Day 110-129

Slack-a-lackin on these posts. 

It’s been 129 days since I’ve started this blog, since I’ve felt so weak and so empowered all at the same time. I finally gained the strength to start doing something about my depression and anxiety. How am I feeling today? Anxious. As. Fuck. 

I’m 3 hours away from home, family, friends, my boyfriend. Im all alone in a foreign place and I fucking hate it. 

I’m here for work, I’m training to hopefully get promoted…so lets backtrack a little bit to 4/3, the day I started working again since November. 

My first day back to work was pretty scary up until I actually got to work and it was fine. I met 2 other full time employees that were new hires and a few employees that have been working for this company for a while and are relocating to this store. My coworkers for the most part are super nice, there might be a potential sexual harassment situation and another employee who I am absolutely going to have a problem with but other than that, everyone is golden. 

The job itself has been a whole clusterfuck of “what am I doing, why am I doing it, do I want to do it” etc… I am having a less hard time than I thought I would but it’s still harder than I want it to be, for my mental health. 

I feel ok when I’m at work, there was one time when I went in feeling like the lowest of the low, like I was doing everything wrong and I should just stop wasting their time. But then my boss told me that I was doing really well and one of the stock guys thanked me for paying attention to detail and not only fixing people’s mistakes, but showing the other employees and advising management that they might want to touch on that specific thing in training again. My assistant manager has been actually listening to what I want and is willing to make it happen. I have NEVER had management like this. My last job was great, management was even better, but it took much longer for them to recognize my hard work and eventually I got too mentally unstable to even continue with that job. It’s unfortunate, but it’s ok. 

So right now I’m training 3 hours away from home and I’m freaking out. I don’t know why. I just miss my boyfriend, I miss my bed. I miss the comfort of my own home. I miss being able to go to the fridge for food instead of eating out. I bought pizza for lunch today and I’m eating the leftovers for dinner because I absolutely don’t want to leave this hotel room. I’m tired, my feet hurt, my joints hurt in general from being on my feet for 8 hours. 

These all seem like little things, even to me. I wish they didn’t affect me so much, so poorly. I wish I could be excited about being here and I’m really excited for this promotion, I just can’t wait til I’m back in my own town. 

I honestly think I’d be ok if I had someone here, I feel like I’m the biggest threat to myself when I’m alone. I still think about killing myself occasionally, and it’s been more frequent since I’ve been here. I don’t want to die, I just want to sleep for a very very long time…maybe forever. 

I’m trying to keep myself occupied but it’s really hard when you’re alone for 16 hours out of the day. Luckily I sleep for like 6 of those 16 hours but 10 is still too much time to think. I just wanna go home. 

I get to go home on Thursday after work. I should be leaving around 3 and I’m probably just gonna head straight home from work and just dive into my boyfriends arms. I miss him soooo much more than I expected. I obviously expected to miss him, but I literally want to cry just typing this. I love this man so fucking much it physically hurts to be away from him. Call me obsessed! I don’t care, I am 150% addicted to this man. 

I think I’m just going to stay in tonight and relax before a fun filled day of training tomorrow. My shift is a little later tomorrow which sucks, but it’s only by an hour. It makes the day feel 10 hours longer though! I love early shifts. The girl who is training me is super awesome too. She’s my age, and she told me she was afraid I was going to be some old crotchety lady like most are in that department. Its just so much better that I’ve been working with people my age. It makes the work environment much more comfortable for some reason. 

So back to the employees I’m having trouble with… there’s one guy who has brought up a sexual harassment charge on him from his old job multiple times and he’s a very handsy person. I just don’t want him putting his hands on me or on anyone else, especially with a history like that. I’m not even sure why you would tell people that someone reported you for sexual harassment, then proceed to put your hands in places they don’t belong. I am going to talk to my manager about it and see what happens. 

The other guy I’m having trouble with is this punky kid my age who I’m pretty sure is just hardcore into drugs and alcohol. I’m ok if you want to have a little fun on the weekends, fine whatever, but this kid comes in looking like he’s on drugs, complained about the “don’t come to work smelling like alcohol or you will be investigated” rule, and is he laziest employee I have ever met at any job. Ever. He is abusing the break system which I absolutely will mention to my manager, and he takes any opportunity he gets to slack off. I have always been a hard worker and it pisses me off that employees can get away with such laziness like that. If you don’t wanna be there, leave! They’re not paying you to stand around and do nothing. 

I don’t like getting people fired, I don’t want these people to lose their jobs but if you’re bad for the company then peace the fuck out. 

Enough about work, I need to talk about me. Over the past month or so I’ve felt more in control of my mental state than I have in a very long time. But it’s still sooo bad. I know this isn’t an overnight healing process, I know that I have about 10 years of fucked up history built up and it’s not going to go away anytime soon. I am just getting so fed up with feeling any type of depression, just wanting to break down and cry my eyes out for no reason whatsoever, or for reasons that are so ridiculous or completely made up in my head. I don’t want to feel anxious to the point where I can’t function normally. I can’t fucking poop normal when I’m anxious. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t hold a conversation or even keep my attention on something long enough to comprehend whatever it is that’s going on. I don’t want to feel that way anymore. For the most part I don’t, but every now and then, including now, I just want to break down. 

I think I’m just going to try relaxing for the night. It might be an early night for me, I’m really tired from today. I wanna get up early and grab Denny’s before work too, so the earlier I get to sleep the better. 

I know I’ve said this 100 times before but I’m going to try to write these every day. Bye for now 

Day 109

Today was a pretty good day but I’ve felt off for most of it. 

I woke up this morning and my boyfriend seemed to have a rough night. He was downstairs for a few hours before I got up. He ended up having a rough night because I had a rough night so it was kind of just a big mess but we were fine after talking and snuggling. I think we are both at the point where we don’t want our “little” problems to be big problems for the other person anymore. I say “little” because they may seem like minor issues to the other but to ourselves it’s a big deal. Anxiety makes everything a big deal…

Speaking of anxiety, I took a stupid little anxiety test a couple weeks ago when I was having a really bad attack. I wanted to try taking it while I was feeling those emotions. I feel like I can’t quite explain it unless I’m actually feeling it. I just remember that it’s a really shitty feeling. Anyway, I took the test and it spat out all of this stuff about the different types of anxiety I have and all that jazz. I have been getting emails from the lady who made the test and I kind of want to go through her program. I know it’s stupid, it’s some random quiz I found on the internet, this lady probably doesn’t exist and if she does she probably isn’t certified to give any type of advice…but I want to try it. While I can tell her emails are all automated, they were definitely written by a real person with real understanding of anxiety. I just feel calmer reading them. It’s weird… but once I start getting a paycheck and get back on track I might actually do it. 

Back to my day today…

After my boyfriend went to work I drove to my moms house to pick up my sister. We decided to go to Corbetts Glenn, a park with a gorgeous view. I love it here!

I want to keep going for walks every day that I can. Nature makes me happy, I am always just so relaxed and stress free when I’m out in nature. I want to feel that way at least once every day. It’s getting warmer so I can get outside more, hopefully that will lead to brighter days. I feel like my depression is pretty seasonal. But my anxiety has been non stop for a few years now. 

After we got back I hung out a little until my mom got up. We planned on going to my grandmas house to visit for her birthday. She is 90 years old! It was really nice seeing my grandma. I honestly think the last time I saw her was a year ago, for her 89th. I don’t want to only visit her once a year. I want to start seeing her more. I love my grandma and I think regular company will be good for her. My aunt lives with her but we all know my aunt drives her crazy 😂. 

I went home after and my boyfriend quickly greeted me and told me not to take my shoes off. I felt like I was in the car all day! I didn’t want to get in the car again. We went to run a quick errand and finally got back home, made dinner, and are probably going to bed soon. 

All day I felt anxious. I don’t know why. I’m not sure if it’s because my job is starting soon and that’s always a little nerve wracking or if it’s just all this other mysterious bullshit that anxiety likes to be triggered by. I guess we will find out when I start work. 

My boyfriend talked to me about that too. He said when my job starts I’m probably going to feel really anxious and stressed and I’ll want to give up but I have to just push through it and it will get easier. I know he’s right, I know that probably will happen and I’ll want to quit. The thought of backing out of this job has crossed my mind. I just keep pushing those thoughts out of my head though. I’m honestly excited to be working for the company that I am and I’m really excited to be working in this setting again. I’m glad that I interviewed with the store manager because now I have a good idea of how the management will be, and with this kind of management comes good employees which is a huge plus. I have had great luck with jobs when it comes to the employees and management, this streak is continuing it seems. 

So I’m definitely excited and definitely terrified but I know I can’t do it. I’m 108 days in since I started this little blog diary thing and at this point I’m feeling so much better than I did on day 1. It’s been 146 days of unemployment which has driven me mad, and I am really excited to get back to work.

I’m going to try to stay relaxed tonight. Just try to not have an anxious night. It’s impossible to control, but positive thoughts might do something.