Day 21

This morning was pretty rough. I woke up in an off mood because last night my boyfriend “accidentally” lied straight to my face. I’m not going to go into detail but he forgets things a lot and it ends up turning him into a liar. It’s not something I can get used to, it’s something he needs to fix. 

I was in an off mood all morning, some things I saw on Facebook, including a comment from my brother, kept upsetting me even more. Eventually I calmed down. 

My boyfriend had to go to work so I went to my moms house for a bit. Whenever I want to stay distracted I’ll go to her house. Unfortunately no one was around so I drove back home and took a nap til around 3. 

When I woke up, my boyfriend was home from work and we just hung out for the rest of the night. I’ve been depressed all day but it’s not that bad. Sometimes I just can’t shake the feeling. I’m going to keep working on changing things in my living environment to hopefully promote a healthier brain. One of those things will be getting rid of/limiting my social media use. 

I’m going on a cruise in less than 2 months. I’m not going to have phone service for at least a week but probably longer, so it will be a good way to stop using those platforms. I’m going to delete all the apps from my phone before vacation, and I’m not going to re download. After my vacation I’ll decide whether I want to delete the accounts completely or start using them only when I have some down time at home. I don’t want to be glued to my phone anymore. 

I’m hoping tomorrow is a better day. Trying to keep my head up, but it’s so hard to do sometimes. 

Day 20

This morning I went shopping with my mom. It was nice to hang out with her alone. Having 9 siblings can be obnoxious sometimes. 

When I got home, my boyfriend and I just hung out and played video games. He read the last blog and we talked about the whole situation with Christmas night again. He thinks I don’t like his friends. Sometimes I don’t, but sometimes I don’t like a lot of people I love, including himself. It’s not that I hate them, or view them any less than others. I love his friends, they’re absolutely one of the most loyal group of people and I know he’s in good hands with them. However, they’re the most irresponsible group of people I’ve ever met. 

I asked him what he’d say if I asked him to stop reading my blogs. It’s not like I’m hiding anything, this is one public diary, but this is a diary and I’m going to speak my mind. I just don’t want to hurt him. 

Honestly, I want him to forget about it. He forgets a lot of things, so maybe he could forget to check up on the blog. He’s forgotten a couple times but goes back and reads them. I don’t know…I just don’t want to hurt his feelings. I don’t want him to take what I wrote the wrong way either. 

He went back to work. Will actually be home soon. I’ve just been laying in bed depressed since he left. I wasn’t even depressed at first. I like to lay in bed and watch tv or YouTube videos and was just doing that. But someone that lead to another thing and I ended up just thinking about things and getting depressed. I don’t get it. I was perfectly fine. Maybe not perfectly fine at all, because when I felt fine I felt like I wanted to kill myself. I usually only want to kill myself when I feel okay. That’s kind of scary…but I just think on all the things that are going on and all my bills that are coming up and I just get stressed out and think that death is the best way out. Things would be so much better if I were just dead. 

Of course, I’m being selfish. It’s selfish of me to think that killing myself would be best, when it would be worst for most others in my life. Honestly, I think I want to be selfish. 

So here I am, laying in a room with the blinds closed and the lights off. This seems to be a common scene for me when I’m depressed. The literal darkness is almost comforting, unlike the darkness in my head. But I should open the blinds. 

I don’t know what I want from life anymore. I feel like I’ve found myself over the past few months and it’s not necessarily what I wanted to find. I want to be happy and be able to live the life that I can envision in my future but there is always a part of my brain that thinks it would be better if all that never happened and if I just stopped breathing, that would be true peace. That’s how I feel on a daily basis. I have so much to look forward to, so much love and happiness and adventure and experiences to live through and memories to make, but I’d much rather curl up in a ball and close my eyes and just never open them again. 

Thoughts of suicide upsets me, not because I don’t want to kill myself or be dead, but because I know it will hurt 2 people in my life. My mother and my boyfriend. I don’t necessarily care what my friends or the rest of my family or strangers think on the topic, but my mom and my boyfriend would be devasted (I hope 😂). I love them both so much and I hate seeing them hurt. I don’t know what happens after you die, but what if I stay on this earth and I’m actually haunted by the pain that I brought them. Or maybe, like the atheist I am, I could just believe that nothing happens when you die and I will suffer no consequences if I succeed at killing myself. I will suffer no consequences. Selfish. 

Still, at this point in time, I don’t know if I’d actually ever act on these thoughts. I’m a very strong person, but I think when it comes to harming myself in any way, I’m weak. Probably shouldn’t let that let my guard down. 

I’m going to try to take a nap now. I’ll eat dinner when I wake up and hopefully just have a relaxed evening. If anything crazy happens, I’ll update this blog. 

Goodnight world, here’s to a better tomorrow. 

I deleted most of the pics off my phone so here is a side view mirror sunset 

Day 8

I’ve been avoiding writing this blog because of how bad today was.

I knew as soon as I woke up that it was going to be a bad day, and I think that made things worse than they needed to be. I don’t really want to go into detail but I got really upset over something that wasn’t a big deal at all. I should have handled the situation way differently. 

I ended up scaring my boyfriend into thinking I was going to kill myself because I wanted to go for a drive. The whole situation was bad and I really don’t even want to think about it. But in that moment, I did want to kill myself. I am sick of getting in these moods and having to overreact to every little thing. I can’t control it and I feel like I’m a completely different person. I feel like a monster. I don’t want to go through these episodes anymore, and that is why I have suicidal thoughts. 

I hate it, but it’s something I’m going to have to deal with for a little while longer. Once I’m all healed up everything else will stop. These crazy mood swings will stop. 

I really fear that one day I’m going to be so terrible that it ends up breaking me and my boyfriend up. I would be completely devastated if that happened. I need to control it for the sake of our relationship. I know he says he’s there for me and we will get through everything, you just never know. I can’t risk losing him. 

I finally calmed down and apologized to my boyfriend. I want to keep apologizing. I feel like a complete asshole who doesn’t deserve him. 

I really hope tomorrow is a better day. Today was a mess. 

Photo by my boyfriend 

Day 6

Hello blog world. 

Today it kept really sinking in that my birthday is just next week. Less than a week away now. I’m really excited for it, I feel like it’s going to be a really fun and relaxing day. I look forward to the days where I have plans because it keeps me occupied and keeps my mind from overthinking. I hope one day I won’t have to think that way about making plans. I should make them to have fun or to get stuff done, not to make sure I don’t go crazy. 

Today was a decent day overall. My boyfriend woke up early this morning but we did manage to fall back asleep. I slept so hard it actually felt like I just turned into stone while sleeping. I didn’t move a muscle all night! I haven’t had a nights sleep like that in a long time. I’m very thankful. 

My boyfriend and I just relaxed for most of the day. We worked out before he had to go to work and both beat our record from last time. Progress! After he went to work I went to my moms house. 

I originally went to my moms house to ask her questions about our family history that I needed for the egg donor application. I told her about everything that’s been going on the last time I visited and she texted me today just checking up on me. When I visited today we ended up getting a little more in depth about what’s been going on but she still barely scratched the surface. The problem with my mom is she never thinks there is anything wrong with her kids. And that’s fine, I mean I guess I wouldn’t want to believe that my son or daughter could have a mental illness, but sometimes it really affects our conversations. She thinks she understands what’s going on but she thinks it’s the bare minimum. I do understand this and it helps me keep the conversation on track and helps me not flip out on my mom for not getting it.

She did actually ask some questions that sparked better conversation and made me feel better about the whole thing though. She thinks I made the right choice with trying to self heal instead of jumping straight to therapy or medication. I told her about the blog too, but she doesn’t know what a blog is so it was kind of useless. I just told her I’m using it as sort of an online diary. A way to vent, and a way to reflect on my day. 

After I went back home I ended up having to face a trigger. My boyfriend has issues controlling his anger. He has been working to change that and has been doing amazing but every once in a while it pokes its head out. I unfortunately have dealt with an abusive father who has anger issues and everytime my boyfriend reacts that way I just see my father. It’s absolutely terrifying. I honestly don’t think he’d ever do anything to me but there is always that “what if?”. And if he ever did, I think I’m strong enough to leave. As much as I love him, I won’t put up with another abusive man. 

I don’t fear my boyfriend at all. I am the most comfortable around him than I am with anyone else but when the anger bubbles up to the surface I get really scared. We are going to keep working on it though. He really wants to change and he has already done so good and has come so far. I know he can overcome it. 

Now I’m probably just going to relax for the rest of the night. I kind of want to go to bed early and try to get another good nights sleep…but I also want to go for a drive and just blast music. Decisions, decisions. 

Photo by me

Day 7

It’s been one week since I started this blog.

I want to keep going with it. I think it is really helping me already. I only know of one person in my personal life who reads it, my boyfriend. He says it’s helping him, too. He wants me to talk to him more about this stuff, but I’m not a talker so being able to read my thoughts has been working well. He has been extremely supportive of this and has noticed a difference in me too.

I have noticed a difference in myself. I’m overall happier and I think it’s because at the end of every day I now reflect on everything that has happened instead of sit on it. Any issues I have will be written about, any good things will be as well. It’s been a great way to release some of the emotions that have built up throughout the day.

Today I’ve been a little on the down side, but I think it’s more PMS than anything. I actually believe I have PMDD which is Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder. In short, it’s just extreme PMS. If I wasn’t on birth control, my PMS would truly be 100 times worse than it is. I think my overall depression and anxiety would be worse too. I think if I wasn’t on birth control, I may have successfully acted on my suicidal thoughts. Maybe I just want to think that though.

Sometimes I feel like I actually want to die and I’m not having a depression episode. I will just be going about my day like normal and in the back of my mind I will be thinking about how much better things would be if I was dead. I try so hard not to think that way but it’s nearly impossible. I can’t really control my thoughts. If I didn’t have my family and my boyfriend, and now his family in my life, I would probably be dead.

It’s always scary when those thoughts come around. I hate it. I try to keep my mind off it but sometimes you just can’t. It’s like I’m trapped in my own head and swallowed the key myself. I want to break free so hard but I’m the only one keeping myself from that freedom. I just have to keep working on it. Every day.

Anyway, today was a pretty relaxed day. I had to stop at the store to finish up Christmas shopping. I went to my mom’s house this morning and hung out there for a bit. Whenever I go to my mom’s house I never do what I meant to do when I got there. I always end up just hanging out and talking to my mom and my siblings. I think it’s because I feel rushed when I go there. I am always on a time crunch and have to be finished by a certain time, but I want to spend my time there catching up with my mom and siblings. I should work on time management a little bit more or just make more time for them. My family is very important to me, I should make more time for them.

After my mom’s house I went back home, watched a movie with my boyfriend, and went to take pictures. I also worked on my boyfriend’s Christmas gift a little bit too. Since we are both struggling financially this Christmas we decided to not spend money on each other and if any gifts were to be exchanged they would have to be made. I like this idea a lot. I’m not a very materialistic person so a gift from the heart is always better to me.

It is now 6:35pm and I’m hungry so I’m going to make dinner and just relax for the night. I would like to read a little bit tonight before bed. I started a book called The Sun Is Also A Star. It is an extremely easy read but I think I will really enjoy it. Next I want to read a book called A Better Way To Think. It’s supposed to help people who have negative thoughts think differently. Maybe it can help me!

I think that’s it for today’s blog. Goodnight world.

Here’s a cute little duck I shot earlier.