I feel like I’m on a never ending street called anxiety, but this street isn’t intersecting with anything, so I just have to keep going. 

I’ve felt this way for a while and it’s been really strong lately. For the past couple weeks I have had very little control over my anxiety. It’s affecting my sleeping habits and eating habits like it usually does when it gets this bad. I have no reason for it. There’s not really anything going on in my life that I’m anxious about. It’s just there. 

I really think that’s the worst. When I’m anxious or depressed with a reason, it’s fine because once that reason goes away I generally feel better. With this no reason at all nonsense I have NO idea why I’m feeling this way and NO idea when it’s going to go away. I don’t know how to turn it off. I even try to think of things that might be causing it but  I usually come up with nothing. 

Lately I’ve been thinking maybe it’s my vacation coming up, but when I think about all aspects of the vacation I don’t feel anxious at all. Maybe it’s finances, but I’m in a decent situation financially that I can only hope will continue to improve. My relationships are all good. I’m starting a new job that’s going to be a great opportunity for me again and that I’m actually going to enjoy. Nothing in my life is “bad” right now. That’s the worst part. 

I hope one day I don’t feel this kind of anxious anymore. It’s always the worst feeling kind and it seems to have the longest episodes. I think this is week 3. I’ve woken up every day with anxiety for 3 weeks. I’ve lost sleep throughout the night from nightmares, struggled getting to sleep at night because I can’t shut off my brain, for 3 weeks. 

I honestly just want a good night of sleep. Maybe I’ll feel better then. 

I’m done counting…

It’s been quite some time since I’ve written anything. I’m a fucking mess. 

I can’t escape my own head. I am absolutely my own worst enemy. I don’t want to be anymore. I want to be able to shut my brain off. The only time I can ever do that is when I’m sleeping, and even then my dreams don’t help the situation. I’m exhausted and no one knows why but I do. I’m depressed and my anxiety is controlling my life. 

I feel like I’m officially at the point in depression where I don’t want to do anything. Nothing at all. I don’t want to be alive, I don’t want to exist anymore. Fuck it’s a shitty feeling. To constantly think about how much relief I would get out of being dead is not only terrifying but it’s not fucking normal. No one should ever feel this way and I feel it on a daily basis. I don’t know what to do anymore and if I think of something I’m afraid it’s too late. I have no motivation. I have been forcing myself to do things, normal basic daily tasks and fun hobbies. Forcing myself. That’s not normal. I shouldn’t have to force myself to do daily tasks and especially things that I should be enjoying. 

I felt like I was getting better but the suicidal thoughts never really leave. It’s not necessarily thinking of ways to do it, I never do that. I just think it would be a great thing if I was dead. I just want to be dead. 

My job has been extremely stressful and I know that’s not helping. I think that when/if my job straightens itself out it will help a little but barely make a difference. I’m just going to work, getting shit done, and coming home. Trying not to let it get to me but it does. I get home and all I think about it work. Last night I had to tell myself to stop thinking about work because I was trying to go to sleep and couldn’t get my mind to stop running. I can’t seem to turn off work once I leave the building. It just follows me home. I know my brain is weak and tired right now and things are just really bad there but I’m hoping it gets better. I don’t mind the job and want to keep working there but my mental health is at stake (again).

Something that’s really been getting to me the past couple days is the fact that I ran into the guy who decided it would be a good idea to rape me 5 years ago. 5 fucking years. I haven’t seen this “man” in 5 fucking years and was finally feeling like that night that completely destroyed me wasn’t anymore. And now it is again. 

I forgot what he looked like and now I know again. I close my eyes and I see his face. I try not to think about it but it’s all I can think about. I broke down at work thinking about it. I keep zoning out and not listening to others because I can’t stop thinking about it. That was the worst night of my life and the worst relationship I’ve ever been in and I just had the worst flashback when I saw him. 

I don’t know what to do anymore. 

Day 10

I can’t believe I’m on day 10 already. I feel like this year is going to go by really fast and I don’t want it to. I have so many things to look forward to. 

For starters, my birthday is in 2 days and I am super excited to be spending it in Buffalo. Me and my boyfriend are going to go up and enjoy ourselves. It’s going to be amazing!! I love our mini getaways! 

Christmas is also coming. I’m actually meeting some of my boyfriend’s family tomorrow. They live about an hour away so his family here goes down there for Christmas. It’s usually on Christmas Eve but this year Christmas Eve didn’t work for everyone. I’m excited but scared at the same time. Meeting new people is probably my least favorite thing to do. And meeting my boyfriends family is nerve wrecking to begin with. I just hope I’m not the center of attention because I’m his new girlfriend. I don’t like being the center of attention. Either way, it’s going to be fun meeting the rest of his family. I love the family I’ve already met! 

We also have a cruise planned in February. That is going to be amazing!! I need that cruise so bad! And I’m super excited to be spending it with amazing people 💕 and for my boyfriends birthday!

There’s just a lot to look forward to. And everyday I get to spend with my boyfriend is amazing. I seriously don’t think I’d be alive if I didn’t have him. 

Anyway, today was a decent day. I did feel sad for a little bit but it wasn’t anything major. I was able to keep it under control and it eventually went away. 

I didn’t do much today but I am going to edit pictures before bed. I am going to be at a Christmas event for my boyfriends family tomorrow and celebrating my birthday on Monday. I will try to write a blog but I kind of want to turn off my brain for a couple days. We will see if I go to day 11 or skip to day 13. 

I’ll be okay, I promise. 

If I could go back to this day I would take more pictures. I want to remember everything with the man behind this camera 💕