On my mind…

There has been something weighing heavy on my mind for the past couple days. At this point I don’t really know how to feel about it, but it’s putting a dark cloud over my head. 

My boyfriend and I have been looking into adopting a dog and actually did, but more about that in another post. While going through the adoption process, the rescue we had chosen wanted 4 letters of recommendation since we didn’t have a vet to get a recommendation from them. So my boyfriend decided to ask 2 people he knew and I asked 2 people I knew. It ended up being 4 people he knew, but in all honesty, his family knows us better than my family so it was probably best that way. 

Anyway, I asked my brother if he would write a letter for us. He proceeded to accuse me of abandoning my cat, and saying I should learn to take care of my cat before trying with a dog. When I told him he should asked what’s going on in his sisters life before accusing her of abandoning her pet, and I explained that Jasper (my cat) is living at my moms house because I’m living in a house with people who are allergic to cats and my boyfriend has been looking into shots and treatments to get rid of his allergies so Jasper can move in with us when we move out. I buy my cat special expensive ass cat food because his urine crystallized and he needs to be on that diet for the rest of his life. I bought him a nice brush and brush him when I visit. I buy him and the other family cats flea treatment. I don’t understand how that is abandonment. If I could bring him into my current home, I would. But I would have to confine him to the musty moldy basement and I am NEVER doing that to any animal. 

Anyway, when I told him all of this he said it’s only a matter of time before I leave my boyfriend for the next guy. Don’t believe me?


Now I am pretty sure I openly admitted what happened between me and ex on my blog. I’m pretty sure NONE of my family ever bothered to ask. My oldest sister was there for me when I was going through it all but at that time I barely even knew what was going on. 

Not a single person in my immediate family had any concern for why I actually ended things. They just assumed what they wanted to. It took months for people to start warming up to my current boyfriend. My mom still seems very fake towards him and I actually want to talk to her about it. My younger siblings and a few older siblings are good to him and treat him like he deserves. But then this happened and it just completely through me off guard. 

Not only was that whole situation almost 2 years ago now, but I thought my family moved past this at least like 6 months ago. At least! 

If my brother gave a shit about his sister he would not have acted that way. He would not have just assumed I’m some whore who’s just dick hopping. He would’ve realized how happy my boyfriend now makes me. How much happier I’ve been since I met him is crazy. He’d realize how good my boyfriend is to me and how terrible my ex was for me. He would realize that he has probably made more mistakes this past year than I have in my lifetime, simply because I learn from my mistakes and he doesn’t. At this point in my life, I don’t have time to try to fix everyone, even if it’s my own brother.

The second I had the ability to cut ties with my father was the second my life got significantly better. I’m not afraid to cut ties with negative people in my life, not even family. Maybe he will learn from this mistake, but now it’s just too late. 

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The Weight of Living

In a few short months it will have been one year since I’ve started this blog. My ultimate goal was to feel better, and I am happy to say that a few short months from my “goal” I am feeling genuinely happy. The thing is, happiness isn’t stopping certain thoughts. 

I think I have always felt emotions a little differently than the people I grew up around. My personality as a whole has been more “down” than most people’s, and its natural for me. I don’t know if anyone could ever understand what I mean by that, but as long as I know that is all that matters.

Growing up I remember very vividly moments where people have acknowledged my personality. They almost always assumed I was depressed or a bitch because I liked to keep to myself, and I still give off the same impressions today. The only difference today is, I am depressed. I might be a bitch, but I am definitely depressed.

Why? Why did I develop depression? Maybe it’s genetics. Maybe not. I don’t know, and I probably never will.

I’d like to believe that my depression and anxiety both stem from genetics, that way I have someone to blame, mom and dad! But putting the blame on someone else is never a way to solve your problems, so I won’t do that (even if it is one day proven that it is 100% genetics).

Most days I think that I am too smart for my own good. My brain knows about the bad in the world, and simply doesn’t think life is worth living in this world. Maybe I think too much about the things that might not even matter, but those things weigh heavy on my brain and my heart and give me those suicidal thoughts.

Now these things that I keep mentioning vary. I know that some of them are actual real life issues that are affecting the human race and this planet as a whole, and others are as simple as people not following the rules of the road when I’m driving home from work. Whether its big or small doesn’t matter, they all weigh the same on me. Heavy. As. Fuck.

So just imagine EVERY SINGLE ISSUE in the world, big and small. That is the weight on my shoulders. That is the weight I just can’t shake, no matter what I do. It holds me back in my day-to-day life and it is holding me back from a good future. I can’t stop thinking about these issues, about the actions of others, about the straight stupidity of others that is destroying this world. It pisses me off to no end. I wish I could vent about these things to someone, I wish I could vent about these things to the people who are doing them. I wish I could educate every single person on this planet who is doing something that is causing more harm than good, or is GOING to cause more harm than good. I wish I could say all of these things, but without sounding like I’m full of myself, or a know-it-all. I wish I could say these things without making people feel stupid, without sounding conceded or like I think I’m better than anyone else. Because I really don’t feel that way, I understand that I make mistakes all the time. I do bad things, I will own up to anything that I do. I just see people going about their daily lives in a fashion that I just see as so wrong, and I know that I can’t change people like that, but it would be so nice if I could. At least on the things that put my life and other’s at risk.

Maybe I will start a new blog strictly venting about these things that I think about. Maybe that will help me.

Anyway, I feel like I went off about the weight on my shoulders. Back to the rest of this blog…

When I was growing up people would assume I was depressed. My brother’s (now ex) girlfriend even asked my other siblings if I was depressed. All because I liked to keep to myself. So, I guess what I’m getting at is that depression doesn’t give a fuck what your personality is like. I don’t think that if I was a more “bubbly” person that I wouldn’t be depressed. I don’t think people should assume that a smile on the outside means a smile on the inside, because it really doesn’t. People may be able to “see” my depression (or so they think, because back then I actually wasn’t depressed), but they can’t see it all. I know tons of people who are the happiest people you’ll ever meet, and they suffer every day with this. Even when I feel happy, it’s still there. In the back of my head, I’m still thinking that I’d rather be dead.

So, I’d rather be dead. Let’s talk about that.

It’s never like a “I’m going to kill myself right now” type of deal. It is just a thought that stays on my mind until I start thinking of ways to actually do it. Luckily, depression hasn’t completely taken over, and I can usually get those feelings to subside for a little bit. But I think about it a lot, almost every day of my life. Yeah, almost every day of my life I think to myself that I’d rather be dead.

I could be at work. Rather be dead.

Visiting my mom. Rather be dead.

Playing with my nieces and nephews. Rather be dead.

Loving my boyfriend. Rather be dead.

Snuggling my cat. Rather be dead.

Playing video games. Rather be dead.

Stargazing. Rather be dead.

I truly would rather be dead. I have never just completely come to terms with that until now. Until writing this particular blog and actually typing that out over and over again, it put me in a position just now where I am okay with having those thoughts. I don’t know if they will ever go away, but for now they’re there. 

I am and will continue to do everything in my power to never act on this feeling. But it’s definitely there, and I don’t want to pretend like it isn’t. 

Anxiety

I feel like I’m on a never ending street called anxiety, but this street isn’t intersecting with anything, so I just have to keep going. 

I’ve felt this way for a while and it’s been really strong lately. For the past couple weeks I have had very little control over my anxiety. It’s affecting my sleeping habits and eating habits like it usually does when it gets this bad. I have no reason for it. There’s not really anything going on in my life that I’m anxious about. It’s just there. 

I really think that’s the worst. When I’m anxious or depressed with a reason, it’s fine because once that reason goes away I generally feel better. With this no reason at all nonsense I have NO idea why I’m feeling this way and NO idea when it’s going to go away. I don’t know how to turn it off. I even try to think of things that might be causing it but  I usually come up with nothing. 

Lately I’ve been thinking maybe it’s my vacation coming up, but when I think about all aspects of the vacation I don’t feel anxious at all. Maybe it’s finances, but I’m in a decent situation financially that I can only hope will continue to improve. My relationships are all good. I’m starting a new job that’s going to be a great opportunity for me again and that I’m actually going to enjoy. Nothing in my life is “bad” right now. That’s the worst part. 

I hope one day I don’t feel this kind of anxious anymore. It’s always the worst feeling kind and it seems to have the longest episodes. I think this is week 3. I’ve woken up every day with anxiety for 3 weeks. I’ve lost sleep throughout the night from nightmares, struggled getting to sleep at night because I can’t shut off my brain, for 3 weeks. 

I honestly just want a good night of sleep. Maybe I’ll feel better then. 

I’m done counting…

It’s been quite some time since I’ve written anything. I’m a fucking mess. 

I can’t escape my own head. I am absolutely my own worst enemy. I don’t want to be anymore. I want to be able to shut my brain off. The only time I can ever do that is when I’m sleeping, and even then my dreams don’t help the situation. I’m exhausted and no one knows why but I do. I’m depressed and my anxiety is controlling my life. 

I feel like I’m officially at the point in depression where I don’t want to do anything. Nothing at all. I don’t want to be alive, I don’t want to exist anymore. Fuck it’s a shitty feeling. To constantly think about how much relief I would get out of being dead is not only terrifying but it’s not fucking normal. No one should ever feel this way and I feel it on a daily basis. I don’t know what to do anymore and if I think of something I’m afraid it’s too late. I have no motivation. I have been forcing myself to do things, normal basic daily tasks and fun hobbies. Forcing myself. That’s not normal. I shouldn’t have to force myself to do daily tasks and especially things that I should be enjoying. 

I felt like I was getting better but the suicidal thoughts never really leave. It’s not necessarily thinking of ways to do it, I never do that. I just think it would be a great thing if I was dead. I just want to be dead. 

My job has been extremely stressful and I know that’s not helping. I think that when/if my job straightens itself out it will help a little but barely make a difference. I’m just going to work, getting shit done, and coming home. Trying not to let it get to me but it does. I get home and all I think about it work. Last night I had to tell myself to stop thinking about work because I was trying to go to sleep and couldn’t get my mind to stop running. I can’t seem to turn off work once I leave the building. It just follows me home. I know my brain is weak and tired right now and things are just really bad there but I’m hoping it gets better. I don’t mind the job and want to keep working there but my mental health is at stake (again).

Something that’s really been getting to me the past couple days is the fact that I ran into the guy who decided it would be a good idea to rape me 5 years ago. 5 fucking years. I haven’t seen this “man” in 5 fucking years and was finally feeling like that night that completely destroyed me wasn’t anymore. And now it is again. 

I forgot what he looked like and now I know again. I close my eyes and I see his face. I try not to think about it but it’s all I can think about. I broke down at work thinking about it. I keep zoning out and not listening to others because I can’t stop thinking about it. That was the worst night of my life and the worst relationship I’ve ever been in and I just had the worst flashback when I saw him. 

I don’t know what to do anymore. 

Day 10

I can’t believe I’m on day 10 already. I feel like this year is going to go by really fast and I don’t want it to. I have so many things to look forward to. 

For starters, my birthday is in 2 days and I am super excited to be spending it in Buffalo. Me and my boyfriend are going to go up and enjoy ourselves. It’s going to be amazing!! I love our mini getaways! 

Christmas is also coming. I’m actually meeting some of my boyfriend’s family tomorrow. They live about an hour away so his family here goes down there for Christmas. It’s usually on Christmas Eve but this year Christmas Eve didn’t work for everyone. I’m excited but scared at the same time. Meeting new people is probably my least favorite thing to do. And meeting my boyfriends family is nerve wrecking to begin with. I just hope I’m not the center of attention because I’m his new girlfriend. I don’t like being the center of attention. Either way, it’s going to be fun meeting the rest of his family. I love the family I’ve already met! 

We also have a cruise planned in February. That is going to be amazing!! I need that cruise so bad! And I’m super excited to be spending it with amazing people 💕 and for my boyfriends birthday!

There’s just a lot to look forward to. And everyday I get to spend with my boyfriend is amazing. I seriously don’t think I’d be alive if I didn’t have him. 

Anyway, today was a decent day. I did feel sad for a little bit but it wasn’t anything major. I was able to keep it under control and it eventually went away. 

I didn’t do much today but I am going to edit pictures before bed. I am going to be at a Christmas event for my boyfriends family tomorrow and celebrating my birthday on Monday. I will try to write a blog but I kind of want to turn off my brain for a couple days. We will see if I go to day 11 or skip to day 13. 

I’ll be okay, I promise. 


If I could go back to this day I would take more pictures. I want to remember everything with the man behind this camera 💕