Step One…and a half

I just finished my first therapy appointment about an hour ago. I feel better now that it’s done and over with. I felt so nervous about it before going in and felt like I was going to throw up in the waiting room. I knew I was going to feel bad about it but I didn’t think it would be as bad as it was.

Once I was in the room with the therapist I felt more comfortable. I didn’t hold back, just let stuff start pouring out. She asked me a lot of questions because it was the evaluation and we ended up scheduling s second and third appointment over the next couple weeks. As difficult as it was talking, I felt like she was understand what I was saying and she seems like she is going to be able to at least get me going in the right direction.

She told me I should see my primary doctor about getting some blood work done and a general check up to make sure that it isn’t a hormone imbalance or anything like that. She also said I can talk to him about going on medication for depression and anxiety, if that is something I wanted to do. I’m going to call my doctor and schedule an appointment to get all that taken care of. In all honesty, I kind of want it to be a hormonal imbalance because medicine would fix that. I just feel like having a physical problem would be much easier to deal with than having it be a legitimate mental problem. I don’t really know how any of it works though, so I guess I should be careful what I wish for.

I feel better about the whole situation now that it’s been a little bit after the appointment and I’ve kind of settled down. I was a crying mess at the appointment and it just wasn’t fun, but I feel like it did actually already start to help.

I think it was actually easier to talk to her about what’s been going on because there isn’t going to be that biased opinion that I would get from people who know me personally. I think a huge part of not wanting to talk to people about this is because I would be receiving their opinion rather than advice or just a shoulder to cry on.

We’ll see what my next appointment brings and what some blood work uncovers.

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Step One

Tomorrow is my first therapy appointment. I’m not sure what to expect, I’m not even sure what’s going to happen because it’s an evaluation. I’m a little nervous and I don’t want to do it.

I went out to my moms house for a little bit this morning. I talked to her about the appointment and she offered to go with me but I’m going to go alone. I told her I have a hard time doing this stuff with Joe, so I’m not sure how I’m going to do it with anyone else. I don’t like talking about my feelings, I never have, but maybe that’s the issue.

I’ve had a great lack of motivation over the past couple weeks and it’s starting to really get to me. I can’t figure out how to get myself out of this slump. I’m able to keep myself distracted throughout the day but as soon as I settle in with my boyfriend and the end of the day I start piling on the unnecessary thoughts of who knows what and it throws my anxiety and depression through the roof. Lately it’s been bouts of depression towards the end of the day and anxiety in the morning about the day. It’s annoying, frustrating, and honestly just really confusing.

I was able to get out of the house today though. I know the weather lately hasn’t been helping my situation at all. I know the weather has a direct affect on my mood, and I definitely have some type of seasonal depression. I can’t wait until I’m able to move to a sunnier place. I know it’s going to benefit my mental state just as much as my physical state once I’m out and about regularly. Beedle and I were able to go for a nice walk today, and it’s finally supposed to warm up next week.

Beedle in Parma Park 4/17/18

Joe and I are planning a mini camping trip this weekend. I’m very excited! We are going to try to go to the Watkins Glen area, hike through there with Beedle all weekend and visit our favorite restaurant out there, Seneca Farms! They have outdoor seating areas and are officially open for the 2018 season so I’m super excited to bring Beedle. That day we will probably give him more people food than he should have and he’s definitely going to get an ice cream cone!

I’m so excited for the summer. If I’m being honest, I don’t usually look forward to it. No matter how much I love summer, I’m never satisfied with how I spend it. We only get a few months of warm weather, and I’m sick of wasting it. I think having Beedle is really going to motivate us to actually live through the summer than we want. Not only is having Beedle going to help, but having the van is going to help! We are already planning our first trip for this weekend, and it’s still winter in NY. I don’t care if it’s actually spring, there is still snow in our forecast! It’s winter! WE DON’T MAKE PLANS IN WINTER! We literally do nothing all winter long unless we plan a vacation to someplace warm, which we didn’t get to do this winter. So the fact that we have a camping trip planned out for this weekend, and it’s going to SNOW today, it’s awesome. The van is a huge motivation to get off our asses as go explore NYS.

I guess this week is my first step into actually getting better. I’ve spent the last year struggling with this openly, and the last 10 years or so before that struggling with it privately. I’m sick of it controlling my life. I don’t want to not do something because I’m depressed or anxious about it. I have missed little things here and there because of it, and I’m not trying to have it make me miss something much bigger, something more important that I’ll actually regret missing. I don’t want it getting to that point. I won’t let it get to that point.

Life is a B

I’m going to attempt to start writing blogs again. It felt good to get the last one out. I know that writing helps me, so why not do it? Why ever stop? Oh right, depression.

Taking care of yourself is a learning process. I’m finding out what it actually takes to take care of myself. Figuring out what makes me feel good and what makes me feel bad is going to allow me to remove the things from my life that make me feel bad, and bring in more of the things that make me feel good.

I know life is a bitch, and some bad things are just unavoidable. I don’t want these things to affect me poorly anymore and I feel like I’ve been doing a good job at improving with that. As much as I dislike overly positive people, I’m trying to be more like that.

For the most part, when I don’t want to do something it’s because I’m depressed. When my depression makes its way to the surface, I lose all motivation. That usually causes anxiety, which causes a whole bunch of other problems. It’s a really crappy cycle to get stuck into and I don’t want any part of it anymore. I’ve been trying to force myself to keep moving when depression wants to take over, and it seems to be helping. Its exhausting and I fail a lot, but I’m hoping it will get easier with time.

Having gone down this road before is a little demotivating. I know that I’ve said this before, I know that I have tried to improve before, and I know that I failed. I can’t really call it a fail until I stop trying though.

I’m generally happy with the way things are going in my life. My boyfriend and I have been trying to plan for our future and determine what the best option is for us. We’ve been talking about moving out and eventually getting another dog. We’ve wanted a second dog since before we got the first one. Over the last 5 months of owning Beedle we are realizing that he needs a permanent playmate. At this point we are pretty sure we won’t be able to get a second dog until we move out and it has really pushed me to want to move out sooner rather than later. I say me in this case because Joe has been wanting to move out since before he met me.

For years I have wanted to get rid of debt before moving out of my parents house. I was unfortunately young and dumb once, and opened too many credit card accounts. Those accounts are now being paid off but putting a halt on my future. I never wanted debt when I moved out, so I never wanted to move out until I paid that off. After being convinced we aren’t going to get another dog until we moved out, I quickly changed my mind about moving out with debt.

I’ve been budgeting myself and keeping close track of my bills to get rid of them, and I finally feel like I’m getting somewhere. I was able to pay off a small credit card recently, and every time I check Credit Karma, my credit card debt balance decreases. Its nice to be able to see the progress you’re making through your credit report, but it can be very discouraging at the same time if I go months without seeing any changes. As long as there are good changes or no changes at all, I should be happy with my progress.

My boyfriend just bought a van that we are going to convert to a camper. This will be used for the majority of our future trips and is going to make our ADK trips a lot easier. I don’t get out of work until late on Friday night so leaving to go to the ADK would have been an issue since we would be setting up camp in the dark. With a van, we can just hop in the back of the van with our bed and sleep without any set up. Everything will already be good to go. With the van, we will also be able to keep warm at night easier. On our last Colorado trip, the temperature dropped into the 30’s every night and got pretty chilly in the tent.

Right now we are working on getting the van street legal and cleared up of any mechanical issues that may be there. We are also working on figuring out the inside layout. The guy Joe bought the van from had already started converting the van and gave us information on what his plans were. We completely took out everything that he had done and are trying to figure out a new plan. Once we figure out what we want to do, we will start bringing it all together.

We are hoping to have everything finished up and ready to go for the first warm weekend where we will feel comfortable testing it out. We are eager to start making trips to the Adirondacks so the sooner the van is finished the better. We took Beedle for a ride in the van and he honestly seemed to like it better than a car. He has always been afraid of vehicles, and I don’t blame him considering what he has been through. On our drive he was able to sit right in between the driver and passenger seats, and I think he liked being able to be in between us. When he is in one of our cars he is confined to the back and just wants to be up front with us.

We are thinking of putting a bed for him right in between the driver and passenger seats instead of having a center console. Like I said, he seemed to enjoy being able to sit in between us, so that will be a great place for his “seat”. We had a bed platform in the back, with a small “kitchen” area with a sink, counters, and a fridge in the middle. Joe ripped all that out, and we are going to re-design. We are going to keep the fridge and the sink that came with it. I’m not sure what Joe wants to do with the counters, if they will be thrown out, re-purposed within the van or fixed up and re-sold separately. If we don’t use them, I’m going to try to fix them up because I believe it is real wood that I could sand down and re-stain really nice. It would be nice to sell them and use the money for the van anyway. For our sleeping arrangements, I’m pretty sure we are going to be rebuilding the bed platform about 8″-12″ lower than it originally was. Reason being the platform stopped right under the windows and our mattress would be covering 8 inches of the windows on both sides. We also can’t access the inside handle to open the back doors of the van with the platform raised so high. If we get a little crazy, we might ditch the bed idea as a whole and set up hooks in the van that we can hang our hammocks onto. I think I would have to sleep in my hammock a few times to see if I would actually be willing to do this.

There are a bunch of little additions that we are going to get quotes for to see how much it would cost us if it were even possible to do that. I’m excited to start seeing what this van ends up turning into and I’m even more excited for the adventures we will take it on. I’m not excited for the debt that I feel like this van is going to cause. When Joe got the van I was really excited but I didn’t think about how big of a money pit it would be. Joe keeps talking about all these things and all I see are dollar signs coming out of his mouth. I don’t want money to be an issue, I never want money to be an issue. Its always an issue.

I hate being broke. Even though I know it could be much worse, it still sucks. Like I said earlier, I’m slowly paying off my debt, but I don’t want other things holding that back anymore. I want to get rid of my debt, I just want it gone. I don’t want to put money into something when I owe so many companies money that my teenage self so carelessly took advantage of. A lot of the stresses of my last relationship came from finances, and I don’t want that to become an issue in my current relationship.

I guess I need to weigh the pros and cons and remember that even though this may be a money pit, its going to provide me with (hopefully) years of adventures and building memories with my two favorite men and that we will figure out the money part.

New Plans

That New Year New Me Bullshit

Let’s talk about it!

Honestly, I know it’s dumb. I know that I should be ready to change for the better right now instead of waiting until 2018. But New Years resolutions bring a little hope, so let people have their fun!

I guess you could say that I reached my goal. Go back and read my first blog ever. All I wanted was to be alive on 12/8/17, and clearly I was. But I’m not better, and I’m not even close to better.

Lately I’ve been feeling good, even if I haven’t been showing it. Things have been adding up and it’s been putting a lot of weight on my shoulders but I feel happier. I just need to learn to put everything that’s been going on aside and just never let it show it’s ugly head again.

I guess we should get into what’s been going on. I honestly can’t remember when the last time I wrote was, what it was about, and I didn’t go back and look before starting this. I’m pretty sure I wrote about my brother being a dick. I still want nothing to do with him, but I did see him on Christmas. It was fine but I can’t stand hypocrites. Once a year will be fine though.

My father friend requested me on Facebook. I left it alone for a couple days before declining. I just don’t know. I don’t see a benefit in having contact with him. I don’t see a benefit in him knowing what’s going on in my life. And frankly I don’t give a crap about what’s going on in his. The thing is, every time he talks to me he just wants to talk shit about what happened and about my mom. I don’t want to talk about that. I want to move past that. If you want to better your relationship with your kids, let go of the past and actually be a better father.

I’ve been avoiding the next subject for a while now. I have about 10 drafted blogs that start to talk about this but I haven’t been able to find the words to finish them. Whatever I come up with, I’m going to post.

So Joe and I got a puppy! His name is Beedle and he is about 5.5 months old. He’s a supposed golden retriever/yellow lab mix but we are confident he is something else!

I know I talked about this adoption process in an earlier blog but I can’t remember how in depth. To shorten it up, for October and November we were being lied to constantly while our puppy was being mistreated and on death row. At this point we are not sure if our original puppy is even alive.

I will eventually write up a blog about every single thing that happened, but I can’t right now.

We have our baby Beedle though. He is the smartest and sweetest pup we could’ve possibly asked for. Training him has been really easy. We are going to crack down on training and get him to where he needs to be with obedience and everything.

He has brought so much joy to my life. More than I would have ever thought possible. I am so excited to be his mommy!

This adoption brought a lot of stress to our life. We are slowly recovering, and having him in our life is helping.

We ordered a DNA test off amazon. I can’t wait to get the results! We want to take votes on breeds people think he is. It would be a fun game. We might get the result of mixed breed if he’s too much of a mutt, which he very well could be. We really have no definite on his breed!

Some ideas:

Golden Retriever

Labrador Retriever

Beagle

Bloodhound

Great Dane

Pitbull

Shepherd

Terrier

So who really knows πŸ˜‚.

All I want out of 2018 is justice for this whole ordeal and I hope I get to share that some day. Hopefully some day soon.

I feel like this is keeping me in a depressive slump. I feel generally happy but can’t shake this feeling and it’s because I can’t stop thinking about this. It’s just weighing heavy on my mind. I want to tell the world everything and I can’t.

I’m enjoying my life currently. I have a good job that is looking like it’s going to go permanent for me if I keep working like I have been. I have the most amazing boyfriend and best friend I could ever ask for. He is so supportive of everything I do and I don’t know where I’d be without him. We started a family with our little buddy Beedle. He is 150% our child and I love him so much! My absolute favorite is morning snuggles on the weekends 🐢🐾 The amount of love in my heart for Joe is overwhelming. I never thought that feeling could double. My heart is just constantly flooded with love for my little family πŸ’πŸΆπŸ’š We are doing better financially. The holidays kind of kicked our asses but I’m feeling comfortable with how things have been.

All I can hope for is that this good life transfers over into 2018. I want to continue bettering my life and enjoying it to the fullest. Happy New Year ❀️

Anxiety

I feel like I’m on a never ending street called anxiety, but this street isn’t intersecting with anything, so I just have to keep going. 

I’ve felt this way for a while and it’s been really strong lately. For the past couple weeks I have had very little control over my anxiety. It’s affecting my sleeping habits and eating habits like it usually does when it gets this bad. I have no reason for it. There’s not really anything going on in my life that I’m anxious about. It’s just there. 

I really think that’s the worst. When I’m anxious or depressed with a reason, it’s fine because once that reason goes away I generally feel better. With this no reason at all nonsense I have NO idea why I’m feeling this way and NO idea when it’s going to go away. I don’t know how to turn it off. I even try to think of things that might be causing it but  I usually come up with nothing. 

Lately I’ve been thinking maybe it’s my vacation coming up, but when I think about all aspects of the vacation I don’t feel anxious at all. Maybe it’s finances, but I’m in a decent situation financially that I can only hope will continue to improve. My relationships are all good. I’m starting a new job that’s going to be a great opportunity for me again and that I’m actually going to enjoy. Nothing in my life is “bad” right now. That’s the worst part. 

I hope one day I don’t feel this kind of anxious anymore. It’s always the worst feeling kind and it seems to have the longest episodes. I think this is week 3. I’ve woken up every day with anxiety for 3 weeks. I’ve lost sleep throughout the night from nightmares, struggled getting to sleep at night because I can’t shut off my brain, for 3 weeks. 

I honestly just want a good night of sleep. Maybe I’ll feel better then. 

Day 69-82

So I definitely didn’t write a blog each day like I said I would. Any time I had down time I was dead tired and didn’t even think about writing. Just sleep. 

Day 69 was the day before the cruise. At this point I can’t even really remember what we did. I think my boyfriend and I went to the  Florida Keys this day for the majority of the day. We wanted to check it out and attempt to go snorkeling and hammock up. 

Unfortunately the water was really murky that day and we couldn’t test out our snorkel masks. The beach we went to was kind of dirty, in a natural way though. Just wasn’t that perfect white sandy beach I expected, but was still beautiful. We found a place to hammock up, which is extremely difficult on the beaches on the east coast of Florida and in the keys where we went. There are NO TREES! I don’t know how people survive without them bad boys shading everything, especially in that Florida sun. 

There was another place in the keys we went that was a little more private because it was right next to private property. It was a dead end that lead to someone’s private beach and mansion. There were no signs in the loop around indicating we couldn’t be there so we stayed. There was no beach where we were but there were reef rocks all over the place and my boyfriend started picking up all the snails and telling me all about everything. He loves the water. 

That night we had to prep for boarding the ship. We just made sure all of our stuff was ready to go and that everyone knew the plan for the next day. 

Day 70 was cruise day! My boyfriend had to drive the first car load of people and luggage to the cruise port. A 20 minute drive (40 total) turned into a 40 minute drive (80 total) because of that wonderful Miami traffic. When my boyfriend was driving the first load I hung out with his parents in the hotel. Me and his mom talked a lot and his dad just sat there ignoring us like men usually do when women get together haha. When we heard from my boyfriend, we headed down to the lobby with our luggage. Everything was great, we were about to be on a cruise to Mexico. 

When my boyfriend made it back to the hotel something was wrong. He was being completely rude to everyone and didn’t even look me in the eye once. Didn’t say a word to me. Instant bad mood. I hate when he gets in shitty moods because of traffic and I can’t do anything about it unless I’m in the car with him when it happens. I tried to not let it bother me but when you see your boyfriend you usually get a hello or a hug not a cold shoulder. The whole way to the cruise port I was pissed off. I really tried not to let his mood affect mine but I didn’t really succeed. 

I knew t wasn’t the time or place to talk to him about it with his parents in the car so I waited until we boarded the ship. 

The boarding process was a lot smoother than I remember it being. We got there kind of late so the main crowd was gone but it was still decently packed. When we got to our room I told him about how his attitude towards me made me feel and we both broke down. We both had been so stressed out, him especially, with making this vacation work. I think we both really needed that break down. 

For the rest of the evening we hung out until going to bed. I wanted to take a nap all day long but couldn’t, so I slept hard the first night. 

Day 71 – first day at sea!

Today we were at sea. The ship we went on, empress of the seas, didn’t have much to offer to people like my boyfriend and I. The ship’s activities overall favored drunks and teens. Our days at sea were spent eating food, taking naps, and hot tubbing. We went to the casino as well on those days. Today was actually my boyfriends birthday. I wanted to make sure he did everything he wanted to do. It was a great day for sure. 

Day 72- Cozumel, Mexico! I can’t believe we went to Mexico! My boyfriend and I got up and off the ship decently early. We walked from the port to an opening to the coast off the side of a very populated beach. When we got there we saw in the distance the cruise ship’s snorkeling excursion. We ended up snorkeling in the same spot for free!! It was absolutely beautiful. I have never snorkeled before and was just completely blown away by the life under the water. You don’t really realize it’s there until you see it. After snorkeling we headed back to the ship. I finally got a nap in and we ended up missing bingo but it was a well needed nap. 

Day 73 – Belize City, Belize. The majority of our day in Belize was actually spent on the boat. We went off the ship for maybe an hour, Belize is not a place I wanna be. There’s pretty much just one relatively small strip of shops. Along those shops are several signs indicating a security level, luckily it was at 1 in most places, 2 in one place…not even sure what they mean. And behind those shops were fences and barriers spiked with barbed wire. We bought a cutting board and got the fuck back on the ship. 

Day 74 – Costa Maya, Mexico. Back to Mexico! Costa Maya was just as beautiful as Cozumel, but the water was too choppy to snorkel. The current pushed and pulled too much. My boyfriend and I spent the day on the beach. It was amazing! 

Day 75 & 76 – our last day was at sea. On Friday morning we got off the ship and had to grab everyone’s luggage before heading to our next destination. We found a nice rest stop that night not too far from Cocoa Beach, which is where we spent Saturday. 

Day 77 – Cocoa Beach, Florida. Like to drink? Like to be surrounded by a bunch of annoyed people who can’t escape the sun? Come to Cocoa Beach!! I’m sorry if anyone who reads this lives there, it’s just not the place for me. My boyfriend and I spent the day playing chess on the beach and trying to escape the sun. We stopped at Cocoa Beach Pier, which was by far the most upsetting pier ive ever been on. When I walk on a pier I want to walk down a long open path into the middle of a body of water. I want to look to my left and see water, not shops. I want to look to my right and see more water, not a bar. 

That night we had the Dirty Heads concert, which was amazing and terrible all in one. Amazing because Ballyhoo and Dirty Heads put on a damn good show, but holy crap. THE SOUND WAS HORRENDOUS. Alan Shepard Park in Cocoa Beach has the crappiest sound system I’ve ever heard. I will never go see a show there again. I will definitely see Ballyhoo and Dirty Heads again though! 

After the show we drove about an hour north then went to bed. We got up early on Sunday and started our journey home. My boyfriend wasn’t feeling good so I took the first shift of driving. I got us to North Carolina, my boyfriend brought us to Virginia I think and we split the rest of the way home. This was my first road trip where I was actually a part of the driving. The only other road trip I’ve been on was almost 10 years ago so I don’t even like counting it. I did a lot better at driving than I thought I would, and it was a lot of fun hanging out with my boyfriend. 

During our vacation my boyfriend and I both had moments where we were paranoid or depressed or anxious. Some were a lot worse than the others, but we got through it all. It was really hard on both of us and I think it almost opened our eyes even more to the things we need to work on as individuals and as a couple. I have never wanted to try with someone so much in my life. I love this man to pieces and I’m so lucky to have him. He really keeps me together and I know I help him too. 

Since vacation has been over I’ve been applying to jobs. I’m hoping to get something soon, anything. I need money bad, I have bills coming up and I really don’t want to ask people for money. I hate borrowing money and the amount I need to borrow is honestly just embarrassing. I made some bad choices over the past few months of not having a job and it’s catching up to me and I’m starting to regret that decision but at the time I didn’t know what else to do. Hopefully I can get money rolling in soon. I just want to pay off all my debt, start putting money away every time I get paid. Being forced to spend my money on things that are necessities rather than wants is going to help me for sure. 

So I’ll probably just keep applying until I get something and slowly just start building myself up again. I’m feeling good, feeling motivated. It feels so good to feel this way.