Anxiety

I feel like I’m on a never ending street called anxiety, but this street isn’t intersecting with anything, so I just have to keep going. 

I’ve felt this way for a while and it’s been really strong lately. For the past couple weeks I have had very little control over my anxiety. It’s affecting my sleeping habits and eating habits like it usually does when it gets this bad. I have no reason for it. There’s not really anything going on in my life that I’m anxious about. It’s just there. 

I really think that’s the worst. When I’m anxious or depressed with a reason, it’s fine because once that reason goes away I generally feel better. With this no reason at all nonsense I have NO idea why I’m feeling this way and NO idea when it’s going to go away. I don’t know how to turn it off. I even try to think of things that might be causing it but  I usually come up with nothing. 

Lately I’ve been thinking maybe it’s my vacation coming up, but when I think about all aspects of the vacation I don’t feel anxious at all. Maybe it’s finances, but I’m in a decent situation financially that I can only hope will continue to improve. My relationships are all good. I’m starting a new job that’s going to be a great opportunity for me again and that I’m actually going to enjoy. Nothing in my life is “bad” right now. That’s the worst part. 

I hope one day I don’t feel this kind of anxious anymore. It’s always the worst feeling kind and it seems to have the longest episodes. I think this is week 3. I’ve woken up every day with anxiety for 3 weeks. I’ve lost sleep throughout the night from nightmares, struggled getting to sleep at night because I can’t shut off my brain, for 3 weeks. 

I honestly just want a good night of sleep. Maybe I’ll feel better then. 

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Day 69-82

So I definitely didn’t write a blog each day like I said I would. Any time I had down time I was dead tired and didn’t even think about writing. Just sleep. 

Day 69 was the day before the cruise. At this point I can’t even really remember what we did. I think my boyfriend and I went to the  Florida Keys this day for the majority of the day. We wanted to check it out and attempt to go snorkeling and hammock up. 

Unfortunately the water was really murky that day and we couldn’t test out our snorkel masks. The beach we went to was kind of dirty, in a natural way though. Just wasn’t that perfect white sandy beach I expected, but was still beautiful. We found a place to hammock up, which is extremely difficult on the beaches on the east coast of Florida and in the keys where we went. There are NO TREES! I don’t know how people survive without them bad boys shading everything, especially in that Florida sun. 

There was another place in the keys we went that was a little more private because it was right next to private property. It was a dead end that lead to someone’s private beach and mansion. There were no signs in the loop around indicating we couldn’t be there so we stayed. There was no beach where we were but there were reef rocks all over the place and my boyfriend started picking up all the snails and telling me all about everything. He loves the water. 

That night we had to prep for boarding the ship. We just made sure all of our stuff was ready to go and that everyone knew the plan for the next day. 

Day 70 was cruise day! My boyfriend had to drive the first car load of people and luggage to the cruise port. A 20 minute drive (40 total) turned into a 40 minute drive (80 total) because of that wonderful Miami traffic. When my boyfriend was driving the first load I hung out with his parents in the hotel. Me and his mom talked a lot and his dad just sat there ignoring us like men usually do when women get together haha. When we heard from my boyfriend, we headed down to the lobby with our luggage. Everything was great, we were about to be on a cruise to Mexico. 

When my boyfriend made it back to the hotel something was wrong. He was being completely rude to everyone and didn’t even look me in the eye once. Didn’t say a word to me. Instant bad mood. I hate when he gets in shitty moods because of traffic and I can’t do anything about it unless I’m in the car with him when it happens. I tried to not let it bother me but when you see your boyfriend you usually get a hello or a hug not a cold shoulder. The whole way to the cruise port I was pissed off. I really tried not to let his mood affect mine but I didn’t really succeed. 

I knew t wasn’t the time or place to talk to him about it with his parents in the car so I waited until we boarded the ship. 

The boarding process was a lot smoother than I remember it being. We got there kind of late so the main crowd was gone but it was still decently packed. When we got to our room I told him about how his attitude towards me made me feel and we both broke down. We both had been so stressed out, him especially, with making this vacation work. I think we both really needed that break down. 

For the rest of the evening we hung out until going to bed. I wanted to take a nap all day long but couldn’t, so I slept hard the first night. 

Day 71 – first day at sea!

Today we were at sea. The ship we went on, empress of the seas, didn’t have much to offer to people like my boyfriend and I. The ship’s activities overall favored drunks and teens. Our days at sea were spent eating food, taking naps, and hot tubbing. We went to the casino as well on those days. Today was actually my boyfriends birthday. I wanted to make sure he did everything he wanted to do. It was a great day for sure. 

Day 72- Cozumel, Mexico! I can’t believe we went to Mexico! My boyfriend and I got up and off the ship decently early. We walked from the port to an opening to the coast off the side of a very populated beach. When we got there we saw in the distance the cruise ship’s snorkeling excursion. We ended up snorkeling in the same spot for free!! It was absolutely beautiful. I have never snorkeled before and was just completely blown away by the life under the water. You don’t really realize it’s there until you see it. After snorkeling we headed back to the ship. I finally got a nap in and we ended up missing bingo but it was a well needed nap. 

Day 73 – Belize City, Belize. The majority of our day in Belize was actually spent on the boat. We went off the ship for maybe an hour, Belize is not a place I wanna be. There’s pretty much just one relatively small strip of shops. Along those shops are several signs indicating a security level, luckily it was at 1 in most places, 2 in one place…not even sure what they mean. And behind those shops were fences and barriers spiked with barbed wire. We bought a cutting board and got the fuck back on the ship. 

Day 74 – Costa Maya, Mexico. Back to Mexico! Costa Maya was just as beautiful as Cozumel, but the water was too choppy to snorkel. The current pushed and pulled too much. My boyfriend and I spent the day on the beach. It was amazing! 

Day 75 & 76 – our last day was at sea. On Friday morning we got off the ship and had to grab everyone’s luggage before heading to our next destination. We found a nice rest stop that night not too far from Cocoa Beach, which is where we spent Saturday. 

Day 77 – Cocoa Beach, Florida. Like to drink? Like to be surrounded by a bunch of annoyed people who can’t escape the sun? Come to Cocoa Beach!! I’m sorry if anyone who reads this lives there, it’s just not the place for me. My boyfriend and I spent the day playing chess on the beach and trying to escape the sun. We stopped at Cocoa Beach Pier, which was by far the most upsetting pier ive ever been on. When I walk on a pier I want to walk down a long open path into the middle of a body of water. I want to look to my left and see water, not shops. I want to look to my right and see more water, not a bar. 

That night we had the Dirty Heads concert, which was amazing and terrible all in one. Amazing because Ballyhoo and Dirty Heads put on a damn good show, but holy crap. THE SOUND WAS HORRENDOUS. Alan Shepard Park in Cocoa Beach has the crappiest sound system I’ve ever heard. I will never go see a show there again. I will definitely see Ballyhoo and Dirty Heads again though! 

After the show we drove about an hour north then went to bed. We got up early on Sunday and started our journey home. My boyfriend wasn’t feeling good so I took the first shift of driving. I got us to North Carolina, my boyfriend brought us to Virginia I think and we split the rest of the way home. This was my first road trip where I was actually a part of the driving. The only other road trip I’ve been on was almost 10 years ago so I don’t even like counting it. I did a lot better at driving than I thought I would, and it was a lot of fun hanging out with my boyfriend. 

During our vacation my boyfriend and I both had moments where we were paranoid or depressed or anxious. Some were a lot worse than the others, but we got through it all. It was really hard on both of us and I think it almost opened our eyes even more to the things we need to work on as individuals and as a couple. I have never wanted to try with someone so much in my life. I love this man to pieces and I’m so lucky to have him. He really keeps me together and I know I help him too. 

Since vacation has been over I’ve been applying to jobs. I’m hoping to get something soon, anything. I need money bad, I have bills coming up and I really don’t want to ask people for money. I hate borrowing money and the amount I need to borrow is honestly just embarrassing. I made some bad choices over the past few months of not having a job and it’s catching up to me and I’m starting to regret that decision but at the time I didn’t know what else to do. Hopefully I can get money rolling in soon. I just want to pay off all my debt, start putting money away every time I get paid. Being forced to spend my money on things that are necessities rather than wants is going to help me for sure. 

So I’ll probably just keep applying until I get something and slowly just start building myself up again. I’m feeling good, feeling motivated. It feels so good to feel this way. 

Day 65 & 66

The last 2 days have been pretty crazy with finishing up everything for vacation. We got the car all packed and are leaving first thing in the morning! I’m so excited. 

My mood has been kind of off the past couple days. I think I know what’s causing it and I think that’s helping it not develop into anything completely outrageous and stupid. I’m just trying to not let these stupid little things bother me anymore. It’s not worth the stress and anxiety it’s been causing me. 

I’m going to continue writing my blog throughout vacation on a nightly basis. I’ll just leave them in my notes and will post them when I return. I want to remember these happy moments as well as possible so I think this will be a great idea. It’ll help me reflect on each day of vacation better too. 

I’m so excited to be leaving this crappy 20 degree weather for gorgeous 80 degree weather 😍. I can’t wait to start the trip!

Day 38

Officially less that 30 days before vacation. I can’t freakin wait!

Today was a very lazy day with my boyfriend. We didn’t do much at all so this blog is gonna be extremely short. 

No feelings of depression or anxiety today. I love these days.

Tomorrow I want to get up pretty early to start tanning for vacation. My boyfriend and I want to go on a hike too. It’s supposed to be pretty nice tomorrow! 

Hopefully my mood today carries over into tomorrow. 

Day 35 & 36

Yesterday (35) I was in an off mood. I know why but I just wish it was for a different reason. I hate this reason. 

I hate when the reason I’m “off” is my boyfriend. It makes me doubt the relationship. Sometimes it makes me feel worthless, unneeded…other times I feel suffocated, trapped. I know that my mental health makes these feelings stronger than they actually are but it is scary. 

Sometimes my boyfriend can be really clingy, we both are. But sometimes it feels like too much. Yesterday I told him I was going to go to a local park with my sister and he got pretty upset over it because he couldn’t come (he had work). It made me feel like I shouldn’t go, like I have to do everything with him. I know I don’t have to, but when he reacts that way it makes everything feel like it’s too much. It’s not the first time that’s happened and probably won’t be the last. I don’t really know what to do. 

I’ve been getting better at turning my mood around before it gets to the point of no return. I haven’t been getting better at eating though. I feel like my eating habits have been getting worse actually. I just have zero appetite lately. I keep trying to eat things but I can’t build up my appetite enough to stomach any of it. I’ve tried all sorts of different foods to see if anything sparked my interest. Nothing. It’s not normal for me. I normally eat like a fat kid with an overactive appetite. The lack of food in me is obviously preventing me from getting the nutrients I need, which is in turn making me feel extremely weak, tired all the time, and with every moment that goes by I feel like my appetite just isn’t coming back. It’s bothering me in multiple ways, I just need to get some food in me. 

Today (36) was an ok day. I had a hard time sleeping last night but got up early anyway and went to my moms house. My sister and I went to the mall and we were going to go to a local park but it was pouring rain. I stayed at my moms house for a bit then went home. Since I’ve been home I just did some things for vacation and browsed all my social media. My boyfriend is home from work now so I’ll probably just hang out with him for the rest of the night. 

I just feel down right now. Could be just the gloominess of the day though. Here’s to a brighter tomorrow. 


Durand Beach

Day 34

Today was another relaxed day for the most part.

I unfortunately started it off having an asthma attack at like midnight. My boyfriend has been so good to me since I’ve developed it and he’s always up and helping me when I’m having a hard time breathing. I know you’re not supposed to, but I compare my relationships and I just think back on my exes and think about how lucky I am to have my boyfriend now. I never thought I had bad relationships. I thought they were pretty standard and I never really got treated badly. Cheated on, raped in one, but I was never treated bad throughout the duration of the relationship like I feel most abusive situations are, physical or emotional. When I started hanging out with my boyfriend now, it was completely different. This is how a relationship should be, this is how a man should treat a woman. Yeah, we have bad days. We argue, I want to kill him sometimes, I’m sure I annoy him a lot and we both struggle with a lot of trust issues. But at the end of the day (or the middle of the day, or the beginning, night time etc etc…) I just snuggle up against him and I feel the safest, happiest, and most trusting ever. He just makes everything better. 

I’m not really sure why I went on a little rant about how amazing my boyfriend is haha. I feel like when I started typing it there was a specific purpose to it. Oh well. 

Anyway, we fell back asleep pretty quickly but I was in and out of sleep for the rest of the night. I keep waking up just sweaty and itchy. I don’t know what’s been going on! 

I ended up taking one of those St. John’s Wort pills this morning. I felt in a down mood and I think it actually helped. My boyfriend and I hung out before he had to go to work. I took a nap when he left for work and now we are probably going to have dinner and plan our vacation a little more. 

I. Can’t. Wait. Til. February. It’s going to be so much fun!

I won’t be able to write a blog for 8 days I think. I will try to write a little update right before we set sail then a recap of the vacation after we get back to the US. 

I’m so excited!

Day 28/29

Yesterday and today were decent days. 

The past week or so has sort of been a wake up call. I have been in a very bad place this week. Some things happened that I would rather not write about but I wanted to reflect on what the outcome of those situations were. 

Like I said, it’s been a bad week. My boyfriends mom has actually gone through exactly what I’m going through. She also has a similar background relating to the “trauma” we both have faced. So she just really understands. I’m not saying other people I talk to don’t understand, but they don’t fully get it. They don’t know what it’s like to have had an abusive father, to know their rapist is still running around the streets probably ruining other girls’ lives too. They don’t know what it’s like to actually want to die, even when you are completely content with life. They don’t know that trusting people is nearly impossible for me. They don’t know that my brain messes with me so bad that I create giant problems out of tiny little things that wouldn’t normally matter on a good day. But my boyfriends mom has been through it, she knows almost exactly how I feel. 

I talked to her about everything after a really bad night/freak out/panic attack/suicidal feeling and it made me feel better practically instantly. Just talking to someone who has been through the same thing and truly understands, and someone who is now better really gave me hope. It lifted my spirits up so high that I actually feel better. I feel like it’s just not going to be bad anymore. I feel like I will be able to handle any situations way better. Obviously I can’t predict the future so I have no idea if I’m suddenly “better”, but I feel pretty amazing right now. 

I called my doctor today and made an appointment to talk to him about everything that’s been going on. Last time I mentioned it I didn’t necessarily tell how bad it actually was. I need to actually tell him what’s going on so he can actually help me. 

I don’t know if I want to do therapy honestly. I really just feel like if I open up to people around me more it will help me just as good as a therapist would. And for free and waaaaaaay less nerve racking. I will see what my doctor thinks. Maybe he will just prescribe a pill. 

I also took a St. John’s Wort pill. It’s just a natural mood enhancer herb. I don’t know if it worked because I think I threw it up before it got into my system. The pill didn’t make me throw up, so I’m considering trying it again if I wake up one morning feeling like it’s going to be a bad day. 

But the past 2 days have been pretty good. Things are looking up so I’m going to try to enjoy this wave of happiness. I think the majority of January and February I am going to be very happy. I am going on vacation in February, so I’m gonna be happy for like 2 weeks while cruising to Mexico while everyone back in Rochester freezes. I hope there’s a blizzard when we are gone 😂. But not really, because I hate when my mom has to shovel the driveway 😳. 

This month I am going to start tanning too. I hate tanning, it’s scary. I’m putting myself at such a risk for skin cancer and I actually have a spot that I would like to get checked out for cancer. But I’m a young dumb girl who is going on vacation next month. I am a very very pasty person. My winter skin tone is so sickly and ghostly white. So I will FRY in Mexico! I have to start tanning a month before to gradually build a tan instead of burning myself. I just don’t want to burn. But anyway, tanning always makes me happy. Being in a warm cozy little enclosed bed and coming out gorgeous is the best feeling ever. I really love tanning because I have freckles scattered across the bridge of my nose and my cheeks and the tops of my shoulders. When I tan they really pop and I love it!! I just think it’s so cute, call me cocky. 

So I’ll be tanning until vacation then having a blast for 2 weeks with my amazing boyfriend, his cool best friend, and his awesome family! I’m so excited to be surrounded by such a great group of people for a nice long vacation. 

After vacation, it’s serious job hunting time. I am broke. I am really broke. I am depending on my tax return to get myself back on my feet and find a job. 

I am going to give a local bus garage a call about being a school bus driver. It’s part time, it’s pretty laid back and easy, I’d be keeping kids safe, doing something a little more meaningful, and the pay is really good. They also pay you during training in which they provide you with what you need to get your CDL, for free! 

My boyfriend and I would like to have a job driving a truck so already having my CDL would be amazing. 

There is just a lot of stuff going on that seems so good. 


Niagara Falls walk on New Years Day. 💚